Sunday, 27 July 2014

Miriam: Right Where I Am 2014: 9 months 3 weeks 2 days

Well it has been quite a year. We lost our second child and my big sister in the space of just 5 days. Two grieving mummies in one family, trying to find that new normal. One grieving those lost hopes and dreams and the other with a huge hole where a life's dedication, love and care were centred.

However, my journey to here all began last summer. Such a happy time. A June holiday, followed by a special souvenir, a BFP. This time last year as family gathered for a BBQ party, we celebrated our son George's first birthday and we also announced to the family that a little brother or sister was expected to arrive in February. I have a picture on my wall of that day. Happy, because it was George's birthday of course, but also because I had everything I ever wanted.

Now, with hindsight this day, also carries a few shadows. Shadows of that moment of happiness for our second child and also, I wasn't to know at the time, but it would be the last time I would see my sister. I often reflect how lucky I am that she shared so many special days with us - our wedding day and George's christening as well as his birthday. So I guess it is right that this happy day be the last one I remember with her.

As the next couple of months lead up to Gabriel's angelversary, it is difficult not to dwell on the 'this time last years'. I threw out my diary, but etched in my memory are the dates of the scans and consultant appointments I went to. I miss him so much and he is never far from my thoughts. Little things - seeing a butterfly will always have me whispering hello and his song (Ellie Goulding's "How long will you need me?") seems to be constantly on the radio. Painful but also comforting reminders of my own little angel, Gabriel.

And so George is rapidly approaching his second birthday as Gabriel's big brother. He has been my rock this year. It is for him that I've carried on, for he deserves to have his mummy, a smiley mummy, who can laugh and share his joy. So whilst I have those happy and now sad memories from last year, I have to put those aside and celebrate him. The happy, funny, chatty little boy that he is becoming. Where I am exactly, right now? Filling party bags, blowing up balloons, making sandwiches and baking a cake.

Looking forward to next year, I turn 40 in January, so that clock is ticking loudly I suppose. Will we have a rainbow, a much wanted third child, a sibling for George? Only time will tell.

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