Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Emily: Right Where I Am 2014: 56 weeks 2 days followed by 14 weeks 5 days

As I sit here and write this I still have this disbelief that I have buried my 2 little boys in just over a year. I have had to go through the painful process twice of giving birth to my sleeping babies. Second time I've not been dealing with all the emotions of my loss again, it's been easier to put my emotions away in a little compartment in my heart. It has been 14 weeks since I said hello to Finnley and a very painful goodbye all in 1 very horrific day. It was worse knowing what the process was and what was to come which is why it has made me numb and and not deal with this grief again, it just hurts far too much.

I've had post mortem results and a meeting with my consultant and it was all positive so I'm opening that little place were I've put my grief in order to be the Mum I need to be to my living children and move forward to the future. I try and reflect on my boys once a day by writing, crafting, running or listen to some music. It's just space each day to either feel sad, angry, guilty or simply reflect on how far I have come on this journey.

I sometimes wish I'd never suffered unexplained infertility and spent many months, years trying to get pregnant with my living children but then I'd never have been blessed with having Georgie and his short time that I was able to carry him in my tummy I still remember being so happy to have have fallen pregnant with out any fertility tests and was actually enjoying my pregnancy, and we would never been blessed with Finnley.

Through losing them both they have shown how strong I can be. To have gone through the immense pain of leaving with empty arms from a hospital where I have already walked out with my both my living children is so hard a constant reminder of what should be. June is bitter sweet: we had Georgie's birthday and 11 and 13 days later I have my dd and ds and I thought this year would be different from last year but I still find myself reflecting and grieving what should of been and find it so hard to be truly happy, I should have a 5yr old a 2 yr old and an 8 month old but instead I'm deep in my grief and missing 2 baby boys and not really sure of the future.

I have met some amazing women on my journey and am very proud to now call them friends but it is such a shame that we have all had to endure this journey of losing a child, but without their help I would not be as strong if I had not had their support, they understand the pain like no one else and know just what to say at the right time and don't question why you do certain things. They totally get the burring desire to have a rainbow and put yourself through the hell again of another pregnancy and don't tell you at least you you already have a boy and girl why are trying again.

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