Monday, 14 July 2014

Clara: Right Where I Am 2014: 3 years 3 months followed by 2 years 2 months 1 week

I am in a very different place from last year, a place I never thought I would be. After 5 losses, I am a mummy to a living child.

This time last year I had decided enough was enough. It felt like massive perivillous fibrinoid deposition had us beaten. I had tried every treatment plan available including treatments that had not been used at my hospital before. I had put my body and soul through hell. All to no avail. We had buried 2 little girls and lost 3 more in early pregnancy.

There was the tiniest sliver of hope though…

Because the girls were perfect and it was just my body that had let them down, our consultant suggested surrogacy. We could still have our own biological child if we could find someone to carry them for us. I knew of a friend with the same condition who was going down this route and all was going extremely well so I was hopeful. However, I felt I couldn't ask anyone to do this for me.

And here was where my little sister stepped in. She offered, she offered again, she kept offering... and we decided to give it a go. We transferred one embryo to my sister and our little miracle was born 2 months ago.

She is such a blessing and I still cannot believe she is here to stay. She has brought us such healing and she reminds us so much of her big sisters. I am in love.

The arrival of this little miracle has also brought to the fore a whole new set of feelings. I now KNOW what I am missing out on with Molly and Grace. I grieve for all the little things I'll never get to do for them that I get to do for their little sister. I grieve for the fact that Cara will never know her big sisters. I wonder what our life would have been like with 3 little girls running around! I also grieve for the fact that I will never carry a healthy baby to term - my body just won't do it. I always felt there would be something healing about being able to give birth to a live baby but I have accepted now that this will never happen and I am so grateful that my sister was able to keep my little lady safe for 9 months.

Mostly, I feel so very blessed to have Cara. I miss her big sisters every day but I would not change a thing. Having Molly and Grace has blessed my life in more ways than I could count. The people I have met, the relationships with family and friends that have been cemented, the legacy they have left to us…

I look at my little miracle and she reminds me of her sisters in so many ways. She has 'piano fingers' just like Molly had, she furrows her wee brow just the way Grace's was. I love that I can see them in her but she is still her own wee person. A little bundle of healing.

And we are healing. We will never be 'better', we will never 'get over it'. At the end of the day, two little girls are always going to be missing from our family but Cara has returned happiness and hope to our lives and for that I am so very grateful.

Right where I am... so bloody glad that I did not give up.

You can read my previous Right Where I Am posts by clicking on the links below:

You can read more about my condition and my story here:


  1. Such a heartwarming post Claire. Your sister is an amazing person & I am so pleased you get to offer Cara all the love you have inside you for all your children. She's a little miracle xx

  2. You are absolutely amazing Claire. And Cara is so, so beautiful incredibly lucky to have such a strong and inspirational mummy. Carrying Molly and Grace's memories so they will never ever be forgotten. She is indeed a wee miracle, and I am honoured, proud to have you in my life. Lots and lots of love Claire xxxxx

  3. Through daein' things with Cara ye are daein' things with Molly and Grace...Cara will ken weel her big sisters....Paul an' you an' Maia an' all yer family 'n' friends wull see tae that ..!!! Wee Cara is a link tae it the words o' ay Mr.Tolkien..." one wean tae bind them aw 'n' in the darkness bind them " .....special people appear fae unexpected sources....Eilish ...Maia....Urnt wee lucky....The love ye aw spread aroond is ay tangible 'n' wondrous ting.....we're blessed tae be pairt ay it aw..xxxxx

  4. Ahhhh........its so wonderful when they smile. You wonder how the others would have responded if they had just been able to open their eyes and see you. But you have someone that does now and they are your everything, that ever will be, forever here xxxx