Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Francesca: Right Where I Am 2014: 60 weeks 3 days

Exactly a year ago I submitted a blog post for 'Right Where I Am', 8 short weeks after the birth of our precious, sleeping bundle. Today I read back that post for the first time, and suddenly the present disappears and I am catapulted back. A time of such grief and loss, of feeling like I had fallen into a huge black hole, searching for some sort of link to 'normal’.

The most difficult year of our lives started at that point - dealing with such raw and gripping grief, coping with a difficult and stressful rainbow pregnancy, the loss of our home and DH's job.... Wondering if there would ever be a 'normal' again.

The loss of our Angel is no less real and present now, the tears are still forever close by, the 'what ifs?' always on our lips. We are just 6 days away from the first anniversary of her original due date. Our Rainbow daughter should be our second, a little sister for our eldest to love.

But for now, I sit in a darkened bedroom, with a 12 week old infant laying on my lap, lazily feeding. She suckles quietly as she drifts off to sleep, a tiny hand wrapped around my finger. I can feel her breath against my skin, see her eye lids flutter, hear her whimpers as she heads towards dreamland.

Here is my new normal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can read Francesca's post from 2013 here:

Right Where I Am 2013: 8 weeks 2 days

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