Thursday, 3 July 2014

Charlotte: Right Where I Am 2014: 5 weeks 2 days

It’s been 5 weeks and 2 days since I lost my twin baby girls, Scarlette & Issabelle, it feels like it’s been 5 months instead of weeks. I’m in a hard place right now, I don’t cry as much and I’m not as sad but it’s not because it doesn’t hurt, it's just because I can’t physically cry any more and the sadness leaves me exhausted.

The pregnancy was exhausting and I was constantly making trips to the hospital and I was constantly worried, I guess I was always prepared for the worst, as at 16 weeks Issabelle was diagnosed with a heart condition and they told me she wasn’t going to make it. Around 20 weeks Scarlette was diagnosed with the same heart condition. Issabelle was an amazing fighter and made it to 23 weeks and Scarlette made it to 24 weeks, although I think if I hadn’t gone into early labour Scarlette may have stayed in there longer and I might still have her now, she lived for 7 minutes and then she passed away in my arms. They were both perfect and when I went back to get the forms and paperwork to register them the midwife gave me a small piece of paper that was pink and had their names on and it said ‘too beautiful for earth’ which was lovely and so true they were perfect, I couldn’t even believe I made 2 people so beautiful.

Every Wednesday I light 2 tea lights for my girls and I will sit till the tea lights go out, and this gives me some comfort, I have the blankets they were wrapped in when they were born and sometimes I just can’t let go of them.

The last time I held them was on the day of their cremation, I didn’t want to let go, and I sat with them for 3 hours and I just cried and cuddled them, it was really sad to leave them all alone, and sometimes I regret the decision to have them cremated but there is a lot of things I regret, sometimes I think if I had noticed my pains earlier and gone to the hospital they could of stopped the early labour, or sometimes I regret telling them not to help Scarlette when she was born but her heartbeat was low and slow, and it was most likely she would pass away and she needed heart surgery which she couldn’t have 'til she was 35 weeks at least and she was only 24 so I didn’t want her poked and prodded with needles and on a machine that would keep her alive, just wanted her to go in peace in my arms.

Sometimes I can’t even go to a supermarket to the shop, because I notice that everyone has a baby, and there’s always that dreaded baby aisle. I can’t even look at my best friend and I just want to snap at her when she complains about her 27 week pregnancy being hard and her back hurting, she doesn’t know how good she has it. She drinks and smokes and has a perfect unborn baby. I didn’t drink or smoke and I lost 2 of mine, not that I would ever wish her baby to be lost at all.

It feels like I lost everything at once, don’t have much to get up for in the mornings, but I’m learning to just survive and get through the day, and hopefully eventually it might start to get a little bit better. So I guess where I am now is at a stage of sadness, regret and jealousy and just missing my perfect little angels. I would do anything to just have them here even if it was just one day.


  1. I can't even remember what I was thinking or doing 5 weeks after Oscar and Bella were born/died (17w6d). Now, almost 5 years later, I can tell you that it does get better, bit by bit. It will never BE better, but it will get a little easier. You will go forward and backwards in how you're feeling, how much you're crying and how much you're hurting. And wanting them for just one day, I still wish that.

  2. Big hugs to you. It's so raw in the early days but like Brianna says, it does ease in months & years to come. So sorry for your loss xx

  3. I'm here from Angie's blog.
    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    A friend shared a quote with me,
    "Grief is like a very sharp stone in your belly. You carry it with you and the sharp corners wear away until you just feel the weight of the stone and not the pain."

    I wish you peace.