Sunday, 20 July 2014

Hannah: Right Where I Am 2014: 4 months 9 days

So where are we? It is now over 4 months since we had Leela and in a week’s time we have to face what would have been her due date. But things seem to be looking a little bit brighter. There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel, some days it looks dimmer than others, but it is there.

We miss Leela yes, I think about her daily, not obsessively, just as much as any parent thinks of their child daily. I still cry yes, but it doesn't bring me down. The guilt is easing away, I no longer feel guilty for continuing on in life without her. I can face what I feel should be scary situations, such as holding a new born baby, and talking to other new/expectant parents without feeling spikes of jealously and anger. I can joke about how big I would have been now a week from my due date, without becoming choked up with tears. I can look at pictures of Leela with a smile and feel proud of my beautiful daughter born at only 19 weeks. Generally I would say I am calmer, happier and more at peace with this hand that fate has dealt us and accept it for what it is.

I have stopped searching for answers, feeling angry at the universe for taking my daughter for no apparent reason. Instead of focusing on what I don't have, I've chosen to look at what I do have, I have a daughter, she may not be here but she exists. I can speak her name and talk about her, it always feel so good to say her name aloud. I have amazing support all around me and a life which which is constantly evolving with the new knocks and turns.

So right where I am now isn't perfect but I don't think life ever is, we can get hung up on what we want or what we don't have and miss all that we do have. So in this moment I am thankful for everything in my life. Admittedly if I could wish things were different I would. I wish I could be proudly walking around with my full term bump, but getting hung up on wishes I fear will only hurt me further. Instead I am accepting life without her here, and learning that just because I don't get to see her grow up and live her life, it doesn't mean I love her any less. She is and always will be my first born child. I will always be proud to be here mummy and proud that I have an angel in sky my little Leela Jayde.

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You can read more about Hannah and her life after losing Leela on her blog:

Life after Leela

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