Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Coral: Right Where I Am 2015: 11 months 2 weeks 6 days

As the anniversary of her birthday approaches I feel the anxiety creeping back. I can’t concentrate or focus and have plenty of unfinished tasks. I also went back to crying at night, at least not as before, but the tears still come down. If I stay home during the entire day I start replaying in my head what a lonely year this have been. Our dreams as family, friendships, support, that motherly feeling, the depression, even my job… all gone. Not that I blame her. I will never blame her. Grief is just complicated, too complicated for people to understand.

I feel flattered that some remember. The thoughtful suggestions and ideas on how to celebrate her birthday really surprised me. But am I ready to “celebrate” her birthday, knowing that she died on the same day?

I wish to be strong enough, as others keep on recalling, to prepare and organize something special. I just can’t wrap my head around it… maybe I’m not ready yet. Who is ready for that? Especially after seeing friends and colleagues celebrate their baby’s firsts? Is just a little too much for me at this time. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful or that I don’t acknowledge her life. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love her. We will always love her. But we can’t celebrate a birthday, just an anniversary of the happiest and saddest day of my life.


You can read Coral’s previous post here: