Right where I am... 4 years, 11 months and 25 days (written on 15 July 2018)
Tomorrow 5 years ago is the day of the scan where our world fell apart. When we realised you were so sick that you would not survive. When we realised we would have to say goodbye before we’d even had the chance to say hello.
Some might say stop living in the past. Stop torturing yourself but dates and milestones are all we have. We don’t get to watch you and kiss and cuddle you every day. But you are part of our family, our lives, our past, our present and our future.
I’ve learned to ride the waves of grief. I now accept I can be plodding along just fine, happy even, when crash the floodgates open and the pain resurfaces as raw as those early days and my heart aches all over again. Dates such as tomorrow are never far from my subconscious.
But despite the pain Findlay I would never change any of it. I am so so proud to be your mummy. I treasure every single second you lived inside me, every second we spent together, taking in every single detail of you so that it would be forever etched in my memory, never wanting to forget a single thing. In some ways I welcome the pain as it makes it real. Makes you real.
In two days time we will celebrate your little brother’s 4th birthday. He talks about you. It pains me that I will never see you play together but it makes me smile knowing you will always have a bond. We smile and enjoy family time but never a day goes by that we don’t think of you and wish you were here.
Every milestone we enjoy with your brother there is a dull ache knowing we will never experience those with you. You should start school this year. You would have the same circle of friends as your brother which is heartbreaking yet comforting all at once.
20th July is your 5th birthday we will do something as a family. I know you will be with us.
I love you and miss you more and more every day precious boy. Death cannot break our bond. I will always be your mummy and you will always be my son. The greatest privilege I could have ever dreamed of.
I love you to the moon and back Findlay always and forever. Every breath I take I take for you. You will be remembered always.
Happy 5th birthday baby boy. Love Mummy xxx
Right where I am: I am living life. I am happy. I am a very lucky mummy to two special boys.
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