2355 days since our lives changed forever. Since I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. I felt my soul shatter and I couldn’t understand why people could not see right through the hole within me.
A lot has happened since then, another child has come into our lives, our beautiful rainbow who brings us joy every day, along with his brother, who still talks of his sister at times. I’m not anywhere near where I was, that awful dark place is somewhere I never want to return to but is still there, in the shadows of my mind. Occasionally the memories rear up and the pain is there but on a daily basis I am able to function like an almost normal human being.
I watch my children grow together, play together, laugh and fight together and it doesn’t break my heart as much as it once did. I’ve worked hard to move away from the place I was, support workers, counselling, online support groups and finally after a lot of resistance (from me) I was prescribed medication. Not for depression but for PTSD and anxiety that has come from the loss of my child.
One of my biggest achievements I feel is making new friends, one has a daughter who is in the class Ayla would be in and I just know they would have been best friends. She has 2 brothers and along with my two boys and our other friends 2 sons, she is surrounded by boys. This does hurt. My heart aches when she mentions that she has no girl to play with. However, whereas before I would have pushed her and her mum away and actively avoid becoming friends this time I have stepped in, not allowed my pain to stand in the way of what has become a wonderful friendship that I truly value and has led to another equally valued friendship too. I also have a relationship with her, she’s ace, we have a great time together and she runs to me for hugs and kisses. These have helped my playground life be a bit easier and not the nerve wracking fear inducing horror that they once were for me.
Ayla has brought some truly beautiful people into my life, some from afar, some much closer, some for a short while, others to stay the distance and show me what having true friends actually means. All of them I love and appreciate more than they will ever know and because of these people I know that I’m ok, Ayla lives within me, within her Daddy, her brothers and all the many people she has touched the hearts of. What an amazing girl, it is an honour to be her Mummy, even when it hurts.