Five months ago today on the 18th February we met our beautiful daughter but not the way we ever imagined. Two days before, at 38 weeks and 5 days, we learned of Abbie's death. I had gone into hospital that Friday night with reduced movements to be told 'I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat' - the words that changed me forever.
Meeting Abbie was bitter sweet. She was perfect and looked like her big sister (our 3 year old, Holly). I couldn't believe we wouldn't get to take her home to meet Holly and the rest of our family.
Five months later and I wonder who Abbie would've been. Would she cry all night? Who would she look like now? Would Holly love her baby sister as much as we imagined she would?
Getting through a day is a challenge but is made easier with having a toddler keeping me busy. It's evenings I find difficult. With Holly in bed and toys away the house is very quiet and feels very empty. Abbie's things should be all around us instead of packed up in her nursery. I should be enjoying the very little precious time to myself but instead I'm counting down the hours until the next day starts again.
I still cry but not as often as before. I'm sad and miss Abbie more than I can express in words. I would do anything to bring her back and have her here with us.
What is different now though is that I'm now hopeful for the future. Hopeful that we will bring another baby home. Hopeful that we can introduce Holly to a brother or sister. Hopeful that we can experience joy again.