Tuesday 17 July 2018

Clara: Right Where I Am 2018: 7 years 3 months 3 days followed by 6 years 2 months 13 days

Every year I wonder whether to even write this. And every year I do, although I wonder where to start and I struggle to find the words.



We are more than 7 years into this 'loss journey' now. I can't believe that amount of time has gone past. In the space of just 2 and a half years, we lost 5 babies - 3 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, our precious girls Molly and Grace. Some days it feels like just yesterday that I held my girls for the first and last times. Those precious hours with them are so clear in my mind. It makes me smile as much as it makes me hurt.

The grief is still there. I don't think it every really goes away. But it changes all the time. It's both happy and sad. Days when it is raw, days when it just hovers on the edge, days when it's a little sign or a little reminder. It colours everything.

The grief will never go I don't think. How could it? How could anyone ever 'get over' the loss of a child? But life comes back in around it and time makes it easier to carry. Happiness comes back. Joy comes back. Life goes on. I remember talking to my gran after Molly died about her little girl who was stillborn in the late sixties. She was still grieving for that little baby. She was never allowed to see her or hold her or name her or bury her or talk about her. Although name her she did - baby Angela. I felt lucky that I had been able to hold my girls, cuddle them, dress them, name them, bury them. Molly's death gave us the impetus as a family to find out exactly where Angela had been buried by the hospital and we did. And 46 years after she was born, my grandparents were finally able to have her name added to the registry of stillbirths (at the time, stillbirths at full term - beyond 36 weeks - had to be registered, although they were rarely given names as it wasn't encouraged). They were also able to lay a stone at her grave. I know that brought my gran great comfort.



But back to me and my own personal journey...

I continue my involvement with Sands Lothians (albeit mostly behind the scenes dealing with their Twitter account), trying to give a little back in thanks to the lifeline they threw to me in those early years. I continue to dip in and out of online forums, trying to help and support others dealing with similar types of loss. I continue to research MPFD and passing on that research to all who contact me - it makes me so happy to know that others have gone on to carry healthy babies despite this awful condition.

My main battle over the past couple of years, however, has been living with the guilt that Cara will most likely never have a living sibling. And I am at the point where I have accepted this and it's okay. I used to find the 'is she an only one' and 'plans for more' questions really difficult, particularly when I didn't get a good response to telling people she will be an only child. Sometimes I explain why, sometimes I don't. Depends on the person and the moment. What I always make clear though is that she is such a blessing and a little miracle.

She is a happy and funny 4 year old who finds absolute joy in everything. She occasionally mentions Molly and Grace in conversation but she doesn't fully understand. And how could she? How do you process that at 4 years old? I don't want her to know that babies die. She has the usual childhood questions about death, particularly around her great-grandparents. We tell her people go to Heaven when they are very old as their bodies don't work any more. She has accepted this to a point. She will say that Molly and Grace are in Heaven. She knows that she couldn't grow in my tummy because 'it didn't work properly' and that is why her big sisters are not here with us. But I dread her asking me why did this happen if they weren't old but so far she hasn't asked that question. Yet.


(Cara checking out names written in the sand by big cousin Maia - Calgary Bay, Isle of Mull)

Ultimately though, we are surviving. We are living. We are happy. We have been lucky to have held and kissed all 3 of our girls and totally blessed to be able to kiss our youngest goodnight at every bedtime.


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You can read my previous Right Where I Am posts by clicking on the links below:


You can read more about my condition and my story here:

2 comments:

  1. Bethanie Denyer19 July 2018 at 15:38

    I found it very touching about your Grandmother.
    My Nannie had multiple miscarriages and 2 still births between 43 and 50 years ago. Like you nan she wasnt allowed to name them oficially, and says she was lucky her mother intervened and said she wanted to bury the babies with my great great grandparents. She was never allowed a service, and still talks about them now. She has been a wonderful support to me through infertility and both my losses.

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    1. How sad Bethanie. Thinking of you both xx
      Clara xx

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