Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Natalie: Right Where I Am 2013: 8 weeks 5 days

Where I am today I never expected myself to be. There are two 'should be' outcomes; one before I got pregnant and the other once I'd got pregnant.

If you had asked me on 19th February 2013 where I should be today I would tell you I would be finishing my first year of my nursing degree eagerly anticipating the start of my second year.

If you had asked me on 20th February 2013 my answer would have been finishing my first year of my nursing degree weighing a couple of pounds heavier due to the 25 week old baby in my belly eagerly anticipating the arrival of my baby in October.

Sadly neither of these are true. Unfortunately life never goes quite how you expect it, sometimes for the better and sometimes for worse.

I had never planned on getting pregnant. I'd wanted to be married first, have a nice house, get a degree and a good job etc first but when the second line appeared on the pregnancy test I couldn't have been any happier.

Fast forward 7 weeks to the 12 week scan and my world came tumbling down. I was told my baby had a large cystic hygroma which occurred in babies with chromosome anomalies and I should have a CVS. I was terrified of the outcome and did research into what T13 T18 T21 and turners syndrome was. It's safe to say I was devastated at what Dr Google said. One way or another my baby was very poorly.

The CVS result came back negative for the 4 above problems but discovered a deletion from chromosome 7 which revealed I had something called a balanced translocation.

I had to make the heart wrenching decision to carry on with a baby with the possibility my daughter wouldn't survive to full term and if she did would have a life with no quality to it or to save my baby from pain and to terminate for medical reasons. Deep down I knew already what I had to do.

Friday 3rd May 2013 at 16wks+3 days at 19.44 my much wanted daughter Angelica-May was born sleeping weighing 110g measuring 17cm.

Today it has been 8 weeks & 5 days since she was born and 7 weeks 2 days since she was buried but there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about her.

So where am I today? I am sat in grieving unable to finish my first year of Uni facing the possibility of having to restart my first year if I can pull myself together. Cuddling the build a bear teddy I got with her heartbeat in it.

Not only am I grieving my daughter that never lived but I am also having to deal with the fact I have a chromosome formation that means this could happen again so easily. My only option is to have IVF PGD and if that fails ill never have my own children.

I may have made the decision to end my pregnancy but that doesn't make it any less painful.

1 comment:

  1. It is so hard not to think about what could/should have been. I do it all the time.

    What a horrendous and brave decision you had to make and you are right, it doesn't take away from the loss of your little girl.

    I really hope that the IVF PGD works for you x