Monday, 8 July 2013

Clara: Right Where I Am 2013: 2 years 2 months 2 weeks followed by 1 year 2 months

Technically, if I was being really honest with myself, the title to this Right Where I Am should be a little different...

Truly Right Where I Am: 2 years 8 months followed by 2 years 2 months 2 weeks followed by 2 years followed by 1 year 2 months followed by 7 months

A ridiculously long title and a stark, sad reminder of 5 little babies taken from us far too soon.

So where am I right at this moment in time? Desperately clinging on to hope that someday we just might, might, might have our earth family. Massive perivillous fibrinoid deposition just about has us beaten. There are no treatment plans left to try. I have punished my body enough. I am relieved that my last pregnancy ended in December at 11 weeks... I could not have coped with another stillbirth and that is the way it would have gone. Even at that point, my placenta was a mess.

So I am clinging on to the hope of a family and wondering how on bloody earth I got to this point. When did this become my life? I am exploring options beyond options beyond options. Seeing specialist after specialist after specialist and generally leaving them shrugging their shoulders and scratching their heads. We have a positive way forward we think, although it is not something I want to talk about yet. I just need to keep believing I guess.

At the same time as all the continuing heartache though, I am counting my blessings. The amazing support network we have around us which continues to keep us going. My wonderful husband - he is my rock. My beautiful niece - my little ray of sunshine. I am also eagerly awaiting the arrival of my new niece or nephew in October. It just can't come quickly enough, I want them safely here. It has surprised me just how much I am looking forward to this little person coming into our lives, it has surprised me how well I have coped with the news of a new baby. I am so delighted I can feel this way and I am lucky because my sister in law has done everything she can to make it easier on me. I just want her to enjoy it, I just want everything to be okay for her, I am very much looking forward to being an auntie again.

I am also trying to live life again at the moment - an attempt to claw back some of the girl I used to be. I am losing weight (2 stones so far), cycling again and have also signed up for sea kayaking classes this Summer. Life is too short and I have enough to feel miserable about without feeling miserable about myself too.

Reading this post back, it sounds to me to be all over the place which is probably a true reflection of where I am at the moment. Despite this, I am trying to keep going, trying to live a life that will make my girls (and all my babies) proud of me. Still determined that I will never give up.

You can read my post for Right Where I Am 2012 here:

You can read my girls' story here:


  1. Wow, what a truly wonderful yet heart breaking story. Despite what you have been through you can still be happy for your new nephew or niece that is due to be with you soon, this is remarkable. Your babies will all be proud of you, as are the support network here on the world wide web. Keep strong.

    1. Thank you so much for your comments and your support. xx

  2. Oh Claire - you truly are an inspiration to me, I wish with all my heart I didn't have to know you in such dreadful circumstances; and I wish you had your girls with you on earth as well as in heart. Your bravery has truly helped me through some of my dark times, xx