It hadn't been the easiest pregnancy, there had been hiccups along the way. She had patches of echogenic bowel at our 20 week scan but all further tests suggested that all was fine and she should have no problems.
So where I am now? I can tell you where I should be, I should be tired from being woken several times a night by my newborn baby, not tired because I cannot sleep. Every time I do sleep the pain is so fresh and raw when I wake that I wish I hadn't. I should be holding my little girl not a beautiful box of star dust. I should have sore, cracked nipples and full, aching breasts from continuing to nourish my baby; not breasts that continue to produce milk that will never feed little Seren. I should have friends visiting to meet her and coo over her, not friends terrified to come for fear of saying the wrong thing. I should have a house full of pink cards and flowers, not sombre sympathy cards and white 'funeral' flowers. In short, I should be a mummy.
Where I actually am right now is probably the hardest question to answer… I am lost, empty, devastated and heart broken. And still disbelieving. Almost 5 weeks down the line and I still can't believe my baby girl isn't coming home, that I will never get to hold her close or do her hair or teach her to write her beautiful name.
Right now I am in Hell.