Monday, 1 July 2013

Bianca: Right Where I Am 2013: 11 years 3 weeks

My daughter Kayleigh was born sleeping on the 9th of June 2002 at 21 weeks and 6 days of pregnancy. It had taken me many years to conceive her and then it was so suddenly taken away.

Now 11 years on we have just had her 11th birthday a few weeks ago. It gets easier, hard as that may be to believe when you are only at the beginning of this journey. It never goes away. Every day I still think about her at some point. She is part of me, my family. I was lucky and have had 3 more children since losing her. They help me in my grief but at the same time make the hole that she left bigger because through my living children I get to see every day what I missed out on with her.

I have many regrets about how things were done after her death. I don't have good pictures, don't have ashes… just a plaque at a cemetery. Thinking back I would have liked it all different but, at the time, I was incapable of making these decisions.

Losing Kayleigh has, in the long run, been part of why my relationship with her dad broke up. It's made me so much more appreciative of every cuddle, kiss or smile off my others. It's made me so much more angry with parents that do wrong to their kids or don't appreciate them.

It's made me want more and more kids, desperately trying to fill the emptiness that she left, yet knowing that that hole can not be filled.

After 11 years, I can see it's made me who I am today. A different person to who I was. Still choking up when talking about her, still crying when visiting the cemetery but also knowing I got through the very dark days and manage to enjoy life again.


  1. Thank you for sharing Kayleigh with us and where you are in your journey. 11 years sounds long but not so long at the same time, if that make sense. My gran talks about her little girl (my mum's little sister) who was stillborn at term in 1966. It was only after I lost my girls that she felt able to do that and I am grateful I was able to give her that. We have since found out where baby Angela was buried and had a stone placed for her. My gran also went on to have another child (she already had 3) and has had a good life. This gives me hope xx

  2. Thank you for sharing, it is such a hard journey but through sharing your loss you give our recent bereaved mums hope that there is a way forward through the sadness.

  3. Thank you for sharing your journey. Gives me some hope in what is to come