Saturday, 14 October 2017

Nikki: Baby Loss Awareness Week

I can still remember a night shift 15 years ago where I sat on my break making the first set of baby loss awareness ribbons to sell to raise money and awareness of those who had lost a baby. I felt I was channelling my grief into every one of those pink and blue ribbons I made, that I had a purpose, a goal and that was to make people aware that I, and many others like me had lost a child and a piece of us too.

15 years later the heartache remains, it's not as raw but it stops me in my tracks at times. Some people around me have forgotten about my first born son but I never will and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to remind people that I was made a Mum 15 years ago, not since my rainbow child was born but before him I loved and lost. I carried my first son for 9 months, I gave birth to him and held him for a few minutes, he was mine and I was happy. My life changed after that day, I changed. You may not see it but I lost a part of me and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to honour my son and let people know that I am a different me.

I use this week to let myself grieve again, to go back to the sites where I found comfort and courage all those years ago, to cry and remember how I felt. I don't allow myself back there often as I find myself going back to a dark place and I need to carry on for those still with me. I visit his grave and light a candle, not to show my son because he knows about my grief and how much I love and remember him, but to show the world.


  1. Thank you for sharing this Nikki. I still struggle after 34 years! As you say you need to allow yourself to be sad and grieve sometimes. You need to believe you can live your life too and realise there will be times which will be hard but you'll get through it xx

  2. I struggle with having lost one of identical twins at 15 weeks. We are so lucky to have our lovely survivor but I can't help wondering about the matching face that wasn't to be and how awesome they would have been together.

    The works tells me I should just be thankful for what I have and I am, but those 6 months of hell not knowing if our survivor would make it haunt me as anxiety about my 2 year old today.

    Thank you for sharing