“A life is a life, no matter how brief”
These words have stayed with me since the loss of my 4 babies. 2 lost early pregnancy. One lost at 20 weeks. An infant son at 15 weeks and 2 days.
I am a devoted mother to all of my babies, although now I fiercely guard their memory and their existence, instead of guarding their lives. Like a lioness protecting her cubs, I am theirs and they are mine, and nothing can alter that, not even time.
I am now 5 years, 6 months and 7 days from the last time I held my son. The day he had no choice but to leave. I live each day as best as I can, but he is still with me every single second of every single day. If I close my eyes I can still feel his skin, hear his soft breaths, and remember everything he was.
Hearing people say his name if like a piece of heaven in my heart. Seeing so many parents receive a gift from his charity is beautiful but yet conflicted, their hearts are broken too. This loss is so large and destructive, unless you are a parent of a lost child most people still have no words or can’t think of anything to say. This loss is the greatest, but yet still the least talked about. Knowing this pain and the long lasting depth of it, I am trying to be a heard voice. Our babies matter. They will always matter.
With ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week’ approaching, I am seeing more and more posts from heartbroken parents speaking their child’s name. Remembering them in the safety of a community that knows, that cares, that understand, that won’t tell us to stop. This community is the ‘Baby Loss Community’, sites and groups where parents can come together and speak loudly and openly, speak their child’s name clearly and proudly. We miss them. We will always miss them.
Minute after minute, more parents saying and showing their love for their child, so many names, so many lives, so many futures lost…
So many stars that will forever sparkle in the memories of those who knew them, however briefly.
I light candles for each of my lost babies on the 15th October each year, and I light an extra one too. I say the names aloud of all the children who should be here and present, the names all chosen with love, the names being missed for eternity, visualising the empty chair in a room where they should be seated, I shall remember them all.
Say their names loudly, and with pride.
They matter. They will always matter.
Gentle wishes and kisses to the skies,
Helen Kennan, Mummy to Haydon, Euan and 2 tiny little angels,