Thursday, 21 July 2016

Stacey: Right Where I Am 2016: 3 years 3 months 2 weeks 2 days

Another year has passed so quickly, here I am again sat staring at a blank screen, with deafening silence all around me, wondering what on earth I’m going to write this time. When you spend almost everyday trying to build up your walls so you can’t get hurt it’s often difficult to then brake them down to figure out how you’re actually feeling.

Apparently, there are 5 stages of grieving; shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. So maybe this is chance for me to explore which stage I am at. My initial thoughts are I’ve reached acceptance, I’m there finally, I have created a post babyloss life and I am genuinely happy. I have 2 healthy rainbows, Florence (October 2014) and Albert (January 2016), I have trained as a SANDS befriender and with the aid of my amazing colleagues have set up a local playgroup to support families whom have lost children/siblings/grandchildren/nieces/nephews/cousins. I must have reached acceptance to be able to do those things right??

(Picture credit to tweetconnection)


No way, the sonographer is wrong, my baby is fine there is not a chance my baby is going to die, she has got this wrong, any minute now she is going to stop telling me this and laugh it will all be some sick cruel awful joke. This is not happening to my baby, this happens to other people not me.

I definitely went through that stage.


Why did my baby have to die? What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this? Why didn’t we get to keep her, she was planned, loved and wanted. Why me!

It’s safe to say I went through this stage as well.


Please let this be a dream, I’ll do anything.


Blanked out from my memory, but yes that horrific stage definitely happened.


Maybe I’m there but I’m still experiencing elements of anger and bargaining.  Do we ever truly reach this stage or do we always flit between the stages?

Perhaps next year I will have the answers. But for now I’d give anything to have all 3 of my children.


You can read Stacey’s previous posts here:

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