Thursday, 2 July 2015

Jen: Right Where I Am 2015: 10 months 1 week 4 days

It has been almost a year since we found out the heart of our second baby had stopped beating on 30th June 2014 at 15 weeks and 5 days gestation. We had already bonded with our baby so much in the space of just 4 weeks... from those four weeks, we learnt that she was a girl, she had defects, a possible severe disability, she was a rarity and a fighter for staying with us past 12 weeks. She would wave at us during scans, she was a wriggler, and was a good average size for gestation. We felt like we had got to know our unborn daughter so well in such a small space of time so when I heard no heartbeat, only eery whooshing, I covered my eyes and wished I was somewhere else. I couldn't identify the motionless blurry image on the screen as our feisty baby, We had faith that she was going to survive. Instead of being handed an appointment card for the next scan I sat there thinking about having empty arms in December on her due date and carrying on as normal.

Since then I have carried on, functioned, been busy with my son,  trying to give him a good life without a sibling. I feel genuinely hurt by the word 'only child', I cannot identify my son with this term. I feel he carries a part of his sister, as do I. She exists in our everyday lives, in very subtle but special ways. A pretty baby dress catches my eye or a nice plaque and I instantly think of her. We miscarried our rainbow baby in January, at only 10 weeks. It was a big blow, especially so soon after Charlie's due date. We were not ready for another loss.

So where am I in 2015? I'm in a better place, I'm healing, I'm gradually learning to live a wholesome, happy life with Charlie living only within my heart.

(written 12th May 2015)

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