Saturday, 4 July 2015

Clare: Right Where I Am 2015: 17 months 13 days

17 months and 14 days ago I woke to hear my OH screaming ‘Clare the baby'. I replied what and looked. My beautiful baby Henry was unresponsive. I knew he'd gone. I was right. SIDS had claimed another victim but why my baby? why my boy?

The weeks went by.  Christmas came and went. His funeral. I returned to work. I carried on.

Underneath it all I was obsessed - who else had lost a baby to SIDS. Which celebrities had been through this, which people I passed in the street. Who? Why?

I needed a baby. I needed to be a mum. My other obsession.

Luckily it happened quickly. A rainbow pregnancy ... every scan came filling me with dread. The 20 week confirmed a girl... we felt strange. But I'd lost a boy, why a girl? Then it made sense. She couldn't be compared... she'll be her own person. Girl babies are stronger, less likely to die from SIDS.

In January this year, on her due date, Beatrice, my rainbow entered the world. She is now 18 weeks old, her brother died at 7 weeks.

When we passed her 7 week mark things changed from when will we lose her to what if we lose her. Things suddenly weren’t so definite. A slight sense of relief.

Things are easier and she has filled a small hole where her brother left. I wish they would have been able to know each other but that was not to be.

Now I just pray my angel is watching down on us and smiling. I miss him every day. I want to kiss him just once more. I hope he knows how much I love him. I'm sure he does xxx

(written 14th May 2015)

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