Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Clara: Right Where I Am 2016: 5 years 4 months 3 days followed by 4 years 3 months 13 days

As always, I include my true title to remember my 3 little stars also…

Right Where I Am: 5 years 10 months followed by 5 years 4 months 3 days followed by 5 years 1 month followed by 4 years 3 months 13 days followed by 3 years 8 months 5 days

Molly should be starting school today.

I can see her in my head. Hair plaited, shiny shoes, green blazer, red and green tie, big smile... all set to go the the primary school both myself and her daddy went to.

Social media is covered in 'first day of school' posts. It hurts to look at them. My little girl should have been part of that too. The photo of the uniform, the photo at the front door, the photo at the school gates. I can only imagine it in my head, I will never experience these things with Molly. Or with Grace, who should be starting school next year.

I often wonder what life would be like with 3 girls running around. Our little rainbow Cara brings us so much joy and laughter. I feel horrendously guilty that she will probably never have a living sibling... a playmate, a friend to grow up with, a support in later life as we grow older. She has her cousins but she will never have a living sister or brother.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we just tried again... a tiny sliver of hope says go for it. But we can't. The treatments already didn't work, why would they work now?

In all likelihood, it would just mean another silent birth, another coffin, another name on a gravestone. So here we are nearly 6 years down the line since our journey began. Despite all the heartache, we got to meet Molly and Grace and our journey brought us to Cara. She is such a miracle and a joy and she makes us grateful every day. 

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You can read my previous Right Where I Am posts by clicking on the links below:

You can read more about my condition and my story here:


  1. Dear Claire,

    Made me cry, and exactly your words it brought you to Cara. Big hugs to you.

    And your journey, story brought me to Rayan. So much thanks to your story and your help, because honestly without you I wouldn't have had him.

    Lots of love xxx Danielle

    1. Danielle,

      Reading your comments has made me emotional. I am so glad we got in contact. Your boy is just beautiful. These little people have helped so much to heal our hearts and we wouldn't change our journeys if it meant never getting to know them.