Monday, 11 May 2015

Jessica: Liminality

Jessica Zucker is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who specializes in women’s reproductive and maternal mental health. Find her online www.drjessicazucker.com and on Twitter @DrZucker. This poem is republished with kind permission from Jessica and was originally published on the online literary magazine Mothers Always Write.

~~~~~

Are you real, darling?

I study those turquoise pools of curiosity for verification
as they twinkle.
I smell your nascent toes
as you suckle my breasts.
Our breath rhymes as we lay spooned.

When our lips meet, we brighten.

All of this is evidence of you
being real
hearty
here.

Swaddled in health.
Whole.

But how do I know for sure?

Trauma harangued assuredness,
banged it up, bruised it.
Nothing is for certain, it seems.

Loving you so fully
stupefies
reverberations of loss.

Who was the girl who came before,
but isn’t?
If she was,
you wouldn’t be,
confounding.

My Miscarriage
turned me upside down,
though it all looks right-side up
now
from the outside.

Anxiety visits
previously a stranger
unwanted alarm bell
a reminder
not to take life or love for granted.

I yearn for pre-miscarriage me.
Fresh faced, na├»ve maybe
bucolic burgeoning belly
without reserve
or preoccupation.

Grief grips.

Fifteen months should prove your staying power.
Nevertheless
my mind
wanders
to stormy places.

The trauma of this second trimester loss
lives in me
harnessed me, harasses me
will be here
is me.

Wishing won’t yield change.
I’ll settle on hybridity, even
Re-find. Refined.

Her mommy
is me
this me
inverted
for now, for always.

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