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I am slowly going insane and this journey has only just begun. I am testing constantly to make sure the lines are getting darker. I am panicking when they don’t or when they are lighter!! I am sending myself mad but yet I cannot seem to stop. I need to test; I need to see what is going on. My husband threatened to hide my tests and I went mad. Who does that? Who goes mad because they are told to stop weeing in a glass and using these little sticks to tell them what is going to happen with their life? A bereaved mother who is carrying another baby, that’s who. I have learnt this week that I am living my life for this baby and it has not even got a heartbeat yet! Every morsel of food that goes in my mouth is analysed for its nutritional value, caffeine is a thing of the past and sleep is a vital daily supplement rather than a slight escape from reality. I am questioning everything, each twinge, each time I go to the toilet I am checking for blood, each speed bump I drive over I get scared I will lose the baby. This is not normal is it? How am I going to survive this? I thought that trying to get pregnant was hard but this is something else! I have super sore boobs, I am exhausted and I am bloated and struggling to fit into my tights despite losing half a stone the month I conceived!
This week has been a real wake up call to how hard this pregnancy is going to be. I feel quite distant from it all; the words pregnant on a digital test look very foreign to me. I know I need to call my consultant to get booked in for an early scan but I keep thinking if I call her I will jinx it and lose the baby. I am so scared, now I have missed my period and I am getting symptoms the reality is setting in that I AM pregnant and I need to deal with it. This is what I wanted after all, I am so grateful to be pregnant after trying for so long and I don’t feel any guilt towards my angel yet. In fact I feel her closer than ever at the moment. I am just finding it hard to connect with this pregnancy I cannot touch my stomach or look at it as I’m scared if I bond and I lose the baby I might not survive this time.
With Maisie we had told almost everyone in the first 2 weeks of knowing we were pregnant, never for a second did we think anything would go wrong. This time we are keeping it to ourselves for now, we haven’t even told my husband’s parents. It’s as if telling anyone is an admission that it really is happening. That I have to make space in my heart and home for another baby and right now that is a hurdle I am not ready for!
The one positive thing this week is that I got this result so things are hopefully moving in the right direction.
The period like cramping and increase discharge has stopped and I have begun to experience other pregnancy symptoms including backache, nausea, hot flushes and being thirsty. The worst symptom I have had is a nose bleed. We were out walking the dogs when I felt my nose running, I went to blow it and when I took the tissue away it was bright red. I haven’t had nosebleeds since I was a young child and never before in pregnancy. I really started to panic thinking the worst, I was on the verge of tears trying to get back to the car as quickly as possible. Luckily the NHS website explained that nosebleeds in pregnancy are common and very normal. This is one symptom I am not grateful to have; I hated it! I am also very bloated (although admittedly I am 2 stone heavier than I was at 5 weeks with Maisie) and am getting concerned that I am not going to be able to hide this pregnancy for as long as I would like. I feel the size that I was at about 12 weeks with Maisie. This is me at 5 weeks now (top) and 12 weeks with Maisie (bottom).
Ok putting them together I can see that I am no where near as big!
Now I am past my own personal milestone of miscarrying the thought of missed miscarriages keep coming to mind and sending me into a panic. Nothing is going to be easy this time. The tests are still getting darker and this week I got my 3+ on a clear blue digital which I am very grateful for that slight bit of reassurance.
I promised myself that if I got to this point I would call my consultant and GP to get my first appointments arranged. I have been terrified of calling in case I am refused the early scan or I jinx the pregnancy. Finally I managed to pluck up the courage to call the hospital it took an entire week of chasing to finally get a scan date. Monday 10th March when I will be 7+4. I also called my doctor and got an appointment to see her and, as I was feeling very brave, I booked my first midwife appointment as well. There’s no going back now it is officially on my medical records. I am pregnant.
I cannot believe I am here already it is going so fast! Each day seems to drag but somehow I am now 2 weeks on from my BFP. I had my midwife appointment this week at 6+5 which I was dreading. I did not get on with my midwife last time, she kept cancelling my appointments and when I finally saw her at 16 weeks dismissed all my concerns; how wrong she was. Luckily it was a different midwife this time, she was very proactive and helpful. I am marked as high risk and she has referred me for a mental health assessment due to my anxiety. She also wants to see me every 8 weeks (minimum) which will make me around 14 weeks I asked if we could wait an extra 2 weeks as I was worried she might not be able to get the heartbeat and it would panic me, she has assured me she will find it and she wants to see me to catch up on scans and tests. So overall I feel much better cared for than last time.
I am experiencing a few more symptoms now as well although they are different than last time. With Maisie I used to wake up feeling like I had drunk a bottle of vodka the night before and I gradually got better throughout the day, this time I wake up fine and get slightly worse throughout the day. I wonder if this one is a boy? I am also struggling to keep it a secret as well. I feel like I am lying to people through staying silent. We had a remembrance service at our hospital this week and I was dreading seeing other parents, them asking how we are and me having this huge secret that I keep from them. It wasn’t too bad in the end but obviously very emotional! I feel so guilty when I see my friends and I am avoiding my husband’s parents as they are both smokers. I just hope that we get to the scan quickly so we can tell them and my work. I am finding it hard as I am so tired and hungry all the time so my boss thinks I am being lazy and sitting down all the time (I work in retail) but in reality I am growing a baby!!
This week we went away for a few days to Manchester and saw Michael Buble it was great to have something to look forward to which is in no way related to babies! He was amazing and it did help to have a relaxing night but I couldn’t quite switch off. I also experienced my first ‘proper’ sickness this week at 6+6. I threw up quite a few times including throwing up what I think is my folic acid tablet. This has caused me to seriously panic about folic acid levels but I am trying to think logically that I have high levels anyway from taking the 5mg tablet for nearly a year one accident won’t hurt too much. I hope.
This week I had my first scan at 7+4, it was at 4pm. We arrived with 5 minutes to spare and sat waiting trying to stay calm, I was trying to drink knowing I needed a very full bladder to see such a small baby but the consultant was running an hour and a half late. I was beginning to get so panicked and stressed I could hear the blood pounding through my ears and felt like I was going to pass out with stress. Finally our turn came and in we went, I lay down on the bed, terrified, I closed my eyes and tried to block it all out. Finally the consultant said ‘’ok you can look now’’ I opened my eyes slowly so scared of what I was going to see to find that I am in fact pregnant with one baby. The consultant pointed out the heartbeat and gave us a picture to take away. She also gave us the date for our 16 week anomaly scan and the plan for the nuchal dating scan. I was so tired when I got home from the scan I’m not sure how I am going to cope when it actually comes to anomaly scans!
Here is a picture of my rainbow at 7+4; the baby is at the top and underneath is the yolk sac which is what baby feeds from until the placenta has grown and takes over at around 14 weeks.
I also had my booking in bloods and urine tests taken this week and went to see my GP for what I think is a urine infection. He tested my urine and said there is some microscopic spots of blood which would indicate a UTI and prescribed Amoxicillin. I am so scared about taking it but from what I have read UTIs in pregnancy are dangerous when left untreated so needs must.
This week I have also booked a private scan for 10+2 as I don’t feel that I can cope for nearly 5 weeks without any appointments or scans. My husband doesn’t know yet but hopefully he will be pleased and we can have the heartbeat confirmed again and see that the baby has grown.
As for symptoms well they seem to have really tailed off. I have been sick twice more but nothing major so I am happy that so far I do not have Hyperemesis like I did with Maisie, I am quite tired but struggle to sleep in the mornings so am often up very early and I also seem to have a cold with a dry scratchy throat this week but I am not sure if it is pregnancy related or not.
Wow here we are a month since we found out and still here! I cannot believe we have got to this milestone I feel very proud to have got so far and still be in one piece. This week we have started to tell a few close friends and family. I told 3 close bereaved parents (mums) and we also told my husband’s parents. They were pleased for us but if I am honest it just made me feel even more detached from the pregnancy like it isn’t even real. Being asked questions like when are you due? How do you feel? And reflecting on Maisie’s pregnancy has made it very painful to talk about this pregnancy.
This week has gone really slowly and I have started to panic that something may have gone wrong. My symptoms all seem to have gone and I feel great (physically) I sometimes even forget that I am actually pregnant. I have convinced myself that when we go for the next scan there will be no heartbeat. My Doppler has also arrived this week, I decided after a lot of research to go for a HI bebe as many women have reported being able to hear the heartbeat from as early as 9 weeks. I know I might not find it that early but I am hoping that if I can find it it might give me some reassurance so I may try it next week. I also finished taking my amoxicillin this week for the UTI I was diagnosed with, I went back to the doctor to have my urine tested again to make sure the blood had cleared up as all the UTI symptoms have gone. I did a sample in the urine pot and had a panic when it looked slightly pink only to remember that I had eaten beetroot the day before!
Overall, this week has been a very slow week full of anxiety.
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