Friday, 18 April 2014

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start

This is the first in a series of posts that Stacey is writing about her rainbow pregnancy. Thank you Stacey for choosing to share your journey on Loss Through the Looking Glass. We think lots of bereaved parents who are trying to conceive again and going through a rainbow pregnancy will identify with many of the thoughts and issues you are writing about.

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Before Conception

Our first child Maisie was born at 21+2 on 26th March 2013 at 5.55am. She lived for half an hour. The next 11 months of trying to conceive another baby were some of the hardest, saddest, most depressing days of our lives. There was little love, desire or passion. It was all pure baby making sex with military style organisation. Every time I got my period it was another month that I had to pick myself up and prepare to try again. We had 2 very early miscarriages along the way and it began to feel like we would never get pregnant. I saw other angel parents getting pregnant, getting further along, getting past their hurdle and bringing their rainbow baby home. I even had to go to my SANDS meetings and see a lady who lost on the exact same day as me get pregnant and have her rainbow before we had even passed the first anniversary. It hurt like hell, not only did I have the constant reminder that other people’s lives went on I now had a reminder that angel parents lives go on as well. I don’t say this to upset anyone. I say it because it’s honest; it is how I feel. I think many other angel parents who struggle to conceive after loss feel this way as well and are scared to say it for fear of being judged. They have another element of loss to deal with something that makes them so angry but they dare not say.

Big Fat Positive (BFP) Day

Finally after 11 long months on Monday 10th February 2014 I saw a tiny second line on a pregnancy test. I panicked; was it really there? It was so early my period wasn’t due for another 4 days. I took another, no second line, my heart sank. I had just imagined it. Or had I? I sent my husband out before work for some more tests and took a First Response Test (FRER). It was there, the second line, it was so faint but it was definitely there! This started my obsessive compulsion to take a pregnancy test every time I went to the toilet (I’m not joking!). The lines started to get darker over the next 3 days, it was starting to look good. My miscarriages had never got darker they had started out fairly dark and just got lighter and lighter. On Wednesday 12th February it was confirmed with a darker line on a FRER. For now at least I am pregnant.

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To read Stacey’s next post, please click on the link below:

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