Saturday, 25 August 2012

Clara: Déjà vu & Motivation

So for the second year in row, I returned to school after the Summer holidays when I should have been starting maternity leave. It's harsh. By now, it feels like everyone at school has forgotten. The significance of the new term for me is lost on others. I struggle again to get past the feelings of 'I shouldn't be here', especially when a day doesn't go so well.

On a positive note, I think the return to a routine is good for me. A chance to get back into a routine of work, healthy eating and exercise. I had such good intentions about this a few weeks ago. I joined slimming world and starting exercising on the cross trainer every day. That seems to have gone out of the window recently.

I have been feeling pretty down. So many new babies have joined the fold since the girls were born. I have held two tiny new born girls in the past fortnight. I loved these cuddles with these beautiful, perfect, healthy baby girls but oh it hurts my heart. I want to be holding my own girls. To look into their eyes, count their tiny fingers and toes, hear them gurgling, watch them kicking away on their playmat. It's just never going to happen. All I have are 'still' memories and I treasure those so much. But holding those little blessings makes me want to continue to strive and not lose hope. I think sometimes I am tormenting myself but it reminds me that these little people are worth fighting for.

However, in all honesty, it gets me down and consequently my willpower is zero. I comfort eat and then I feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle. I need to focus and get as healthy as I possibly can. This will help me feel better in myself and that can only be a good thing.

A friend told me about a 'wall of motivation' that she was going to try, something she learned about from an athletic friend who competed in the Olympics.

So I am going to do my own 'wall of motivation'. This will include the following: photos of me at a 'happy' weight (not a skinnymalink by any means but a time where I felt comfortable), memories of my girls, a challenge board for the cross trainer with little achievable goals, a photo of me holding a baby (my ultimate dream plus I think it suits me!), wedding photos and family/friend photos - to remind me of all the blessings I have in my life.

To finish off on a positive, I will be adding this blog space to my motivation wall. It has been a privilige to work on this with Nicole and Gemma. Since going 'live' a couple of weeks ago, we have had well over 3000 views. We have had great feedback and it has been a good project to be able to do something positive with two fantastic and inspiring silent Mums. Another thing for the wall of motivation - to remind myself of the new friends I have made on this journey and that I can still put myself out there and do something to try and help others.


  1. Clara, it's certainly been a priviledge to do this with you. I absolutely love your 'wall of motivation' idea. It's so tough some days and to give yourself goals to work towards, but forgive yourself when you get those days you just can't, is so important I think. You are a huge inspiration to me, and to lots of others too. Huge hugs to you xxx

  2. This is a wonderful post, I am so honoured to have virtually met both of you and get to know you; despite the desperately sad reasons for this I am grateful for both of you; this blog space has certainly been something that I have enjoyed and I look forward to continuing to contribute and help it grow.

    I have certainly been guilty in the last few weeks of loss if positivity and motivation and this blog has given me cause for reflection and has made me feel very humble.

  3. Thank you ladies. It is so hard to keep the positivity going sometimes so this is my attempt to do so xx

  4. I have been feeling the same recently with regards to people has forgotten and i have this problem with family. They just don't get it. Don't they realise that if they showed me they rememberd my little one that would give me some comfort.

    Your such an inspritation to us all. The fact you have found the strength to give yourself goals to work towards in giveing you some motivation

    Big hugs

  5. The ability to keep standing when you are broken is strength xx