I still like to write to you Isaac as I have done since we set you up an email account when I found out that I was pregnant; I emailed stories of my excitement and of feeling ill; I remember emailing you after you started to make me ill after I had eaten cheese and cordially informed you that cheese was off limits to the sickness and would be eaten regardless; I no longer email you with a view to one day opening the account with you and reading through all the trials and tribulations which we may have forgotten years later; I have forgotten the address now and wouldn't like to bother Daddy with it right now.
So now I write to and save the letters on my computer and sometimes I write and write and delete them once they are written in a moment of despair; I like to imagine you sitting on your great grandparents knees as they read my letters to you; I have written many letters to you over the year that I have been without you; some pleading for a greater understanding of why you left me and a sign that you are still there somewhere and not lost to me forever, others angry that you didn't fight harder to stay with me and some simply telling you that you are still loved and still very much treasured; I don't know if you can hear me little one but I love you and I miss you every day.
Today is your first birthday Isaac; you should have been one whole year old; full of sleepless nights and mischief and giggles that made us laugh along with you, the day would have started early for you and I no doubt and we would have had to coax Daddy out of his slumber with big kisses and noise; we would have gathered together in our bed that would have been covered with presents from mommy and daddy; I of course would have stuck some horse themed gifts in and daddy would have bought far far too much; gifts that weren't exactly age appropriate but that he would have had as much fun playing with as you would when you were finally old enough to use them. We would have helped you to open your presents and I can imagine you sitting having more fun with the wrapping paper than with any of the gifts that you had received. I can hear your squeals of laughter as daddy grabs you and throws you up in the air and I tut and tell him to please be careful, while unable to hide a smile to watch the two of you play.
You would have had your first birthday party today and the house would have been decorated and filled with streamers and balloons; if I stop and close my eyes I can see just how it would have been, and the atmosphere would have been that of outright joy as I, along with my family delighted in watching you grow. You would have had silly football themed gifts from Pop and your uncles, and designer outfits of your Auntie Laura.
This time a year ago you were born sleeping and the final hope that I had slipped through my fingers; the labour was quick but not at all what I had hoped. I promised you Isaac, that I would be brave and try to stay positive but the last few weeks have been hard and I have relived the loss of you over and over again and Daddy and I have talked and cried and opened up to each other in ways we have been reluctant to do until now. I finally understand that he feels guilty to and I have tried to put his mind at rest about his fears, I don't want him to feel he was to blame, who can be blamed? Me? God? Mother Nature? You? There is no one to blame, you were a star than shone so brightly you didn’t need to burn for long.
Today I am sad; I feel the absence of you so strongly that it makes me want to fall down weeping; however I also still feel you with me and I feel I can celebrate all that you were to me; because above all else I am happy that you were part of us. If the option was to have never had you at all then I will take all this sadness gladly; for it shows that you were loved.
You were made out of such love; your Daddy and I - we had our bumpy rides over the years the loss of you the worst one of all but it is a love that has never given up; a love that knew how to fight to keep it strong and when the worse happened we were able to weather that storm together; to have been made out of such a love I can see meant that you will have only known that - for you there will never have been any worries or doubt or fear; you will have grown knowing that you are loved and perhaps that is all that you ever needed.
I want you to know little man that you are always with me; not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and know I needed you to have been even for a short time. I know that my longing for you is caught up in the need to have a healthy living child here with me, and my guilt at wanting another child makes me anxious that you do not feel you are to be replaced; you will never be replaced.
Today Daddy and I woke to the delivery of a balloon and flowers for your garden; you are still much loved and not just by me. We will go and select a new outfit for Isaac bear and loose a balloon where we walked together as a family and I will light a candle to show you the way home should you wish to look in on us.
Happy birthday Isaac and Thank You for having been part of our lives xx