Juliet: Right Where I Am 2018: 1 year 8 months 3 days

It's been a while since I've put my feelings about the loss of you down on paper, a while since I have written to you, as I used to do all the time. Realising that fills me with guilt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry my sweet girl.

So where am I now? It's difficult to say, difficult to know. I'm sitting here now, your little brother asleep in my arms and I'm happy. I'm happy. How can that be? I'm happy that he's here, happy he arrived safely (after a bumpy start), happy the wait for him is over, happy because he was worth every second of worry, he was worth every tear. I'm happy I have your big sister and your Daddy, happy we are all together, happy because I love my little family. And for that I feel guilty. Guilty that you might feel left out, loved less, forgotten - replaced. None of that is true, it never could be, yet still the guilt persists.

I'm happy, yet I'm still sad. Often when I'm alone, or just before I sleep, the familiar ache of your loss fills my chest. When I give in and cry, when I feel the pain, when I wonder and regret ~ what would you look like now? What would you feel like in my arms? What would you sound like? Why didn't I undress you again? Why don't I remember what you tummy looked like? Your legs? Your bottom? ~ when I am overcome with grief and sadness, I feel guilty again. Guilty because I know I'm blessed, guilty because I should be happy.

Guilty because I am, guilty because I am not.

Right where I am now is learning to navigate a baby after loss. Learning to navigate life again. With you and without you. Our little family of five.

My Grace you are loved. You will forever be loved. Please know that.

~~~~~

You can read Juliet’s previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2017: 8 months 15 days

Donna: Right Where I Am 2017: 2 years 7 months 3 weeks 3 days

Our beautiful Maisie you’re a big sister now. Sophie has the same hair colour as you, she’s 7 months old now and into everything. Your older brother and sister adore her, which is beautiful to see but also painful, as they would have adored you too.

Having Sophie has helped us to heal a bit but opened up so many other wounds I didn’t know were possible. The mixed emotions are never ending and the rawness has come back again of missing you.

I feel isolated once again, the dark clouds of grief are clouding me again. The why question is nearly always on my mind again.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for your baby sister, but the guilt I am finding hard to bear. When I’m woken by teething cries I wish she wouldn’t, and then the guilt sets in as you never woke me with teething you didn’t get the chance, so I should be grateful that Sophie does, and I mentally tell myself off for doing so, it’s a viscous circle.

Life is hectic most of the time but we always remember you and always will.

Our beautiful Maisie, your headstone is finally on order, I found what I could envisage and it will be perfect. Just as you are, those 55 minutes you spent with us I will treasure forever.

You are the first star we see at night.

Mummy loves you baby girl xxxxx

Juliet: Right Where I Am 2017: 8 months 15 days

You were supposed to be our rainbow.

We had passed the stages of our previous losses, you were really coming. This was really happening, we were on the home stretch. We were on the countdown...two. Two. I've never wiped the chalk from the board. Two days.

Two days until you were supposed to be here and you were gone. Our precious, longed for, wanted, loved, baby girl had died.

It's hard to remember the very first days and weeks after we lost you. Not because I can't, but because even remembering that depth of darkness is difficult.  It's hard to look back to the   days where I could do nothing. The days when the darkness was all I could see. The days when I could barely breathe. The days when the grief that felt so much like fear was all I could feel.  It's still dark sometimes. It's dark but we can breathe.

So where are we now? We're juggling. Juggling the pain of losing you. Juggling learning to live without you. Juggling the guilt. Juggling the hope.

Your little brother is set to arrive 5 days after your first birthday. I can't call him my rainbow. You were my rainbow. I can't feel the same excitement for his arrival as I did for yours. I'm too scared to do that. But I love him.  I love him, as I love your big sister, and as I love you.

I want you to know you will always be a part of our lives. You have changed us all irrevocably. We will always love you and we speak your name every day.

I’m so grateful to have known you. Those who don't know may question how I can have known you, but I did. I do. I am so grateful for all the gifts you have given me - new friends I feel I've know forever, a gratitude for what I have and a desire to do more and be more. But I wish every day that we never had to say goodbye to you. I still question why and have so many 'what ifs', I wonder if that will ever pass.

Right where I am is a difficult place. I hope and pray every day that you know that we still love you beyond words. I hope you know that you will always be ours and we will always be yours. Death cannot change that. Life cannot change that.

You are etched into my heart and soul, Grace Elizabeth.  I love you, I miss you.

Jennifer: Right Where I Am 2016: 1 year exactly

(written 9th June 2016)

I still can't believe it's been a whole year since my perfect little girl was stillborn at full term. Happy birthday Beth, I love you more with every passing day. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about you or stop and stare at your pictures around the house.

The pain hasn't eased - I never expected it to.

Where am I? Well I've decorated the house for Beth's first birthday celebrations, balloons, banners, and some cards and presents have come in the post. Cake iced and ready to eat… Everything is ready except my birthday girl is missing…

I never expected to be where I am right now this time last year. I've only managed to get through it because I have my rainbow baby in my arms. Beth's little sister is here, born on the 20th May… 2 babies less than a year apart… One in heaven and one in my arms.

I'm filled with so much happiness, yet so much pain and heartache. Violet looks so much like her big sister especially when she is sleeping. I'm scared of leaving her for too long incase she's taken from me too. I'm trying to grasp every single moment I have with her just incase. Every single nappy change and extreme tiredness I am embracing just incase. Plenty of photos and videos taken just incase.

So here I am… Realising just how much I'm missing out on with Beth and maybe over protecting my little Violet. Pain and joy at the same time. So very hard.

But… happy 1st birthday Beth, I hope wherever you are you can see how much we love you and wish you were here with us. Sweet dreams baby, another few items for your memory box until we meet again.

Love you more than I can ever possibly write or say X

~~~~~

You can read Jennifer’s previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2015: 6 weeks

Jo: Right Where I Am 2016: 1 year 2 weeks 4 days

I have tried to write this a few times over the last couple of weeks but it always seemed to be on a bad day, the days when it hurts to cry about them, what I produced was really bitter. In truth, on a bad day that is who I am the bitter person thinking "why me? Why my babies?"  With time I have realised it is fine to be that person. It is fine to be the person who wants to fill the house with their memory and ensure they aren't forgotten. I can be whoever I need to be to get through the day. Before the twins died I was level headed and it was commented how you always got me the same way.

As everyone who finds themselves on this site will know when your children die, it changes you. My life is now forever divided into before and after. My twins, Katie and Sophie, have taught me so much in the short time they were with us and even now as we come to terms with living without them. My girls made me a mum, the hardest kind of mum. Through being that mum I have made friends who have seen me at my very worst covered in tears and barely breathing as I have seen them the same way. Slowly those women picked me up and we all started walking forward. As hard as it is we all do keep moving forward often it's only when helping someone else we can see how far we have come and often how far we have left to go.

It has now been over year and on that day, the 9^th May 2015, life stopped for me. I didn't really grasp that life carried on. Every morning when I woke up I had the horrible realisation that the nightmare I had was actually my reality. I went numb, I got dressed every morning as I had that day. It was a very warm day so for months I was wearing maxi dresses which elected some strange looks when wearing summer clothes in October. In the first year after Katie and Sophie's life I found hard as I approached all the anniversaries of the milestones in my pregnancy. It made it slightly easier when my husband and I discussed this time last year on tough days.

Now into the second year without them it is harder, these days last year where filled with so much pain. My own life only seemed to start again in February of this year when my little take home baby was born, 8 weeks early and weighing just 3lb 2oz, but she was perfect. After months of worry and tears, I had a baby in my arms. But Olivia does bring a lovely contrast of light and happiness, she looks so much like her sisters it is lovely. She is now nearly 16 weeks old and I am coming to accept that she is benefiting from the mum Katie and Sophie created. I know how precious each milestone is, when she smiled for the first time it was as if she was smiling for all three of them, she has such a hearty giggle. When she wakes me in the early hours of the morning I love her even more as I remember the night crying over the babies I would never hold again.

I know how lucky I am to have my take home baby and while no-one will ever replace her sisters, she brings a beautiful ray of hope into the difficult days. I like to think that somehow Olivia has know her sisters and that she will always two guardian angels looking over her.

Stacey: A Second Chance at a First Birthday

Birthdays: they should be full of cake, balloons, presents, laughter and nostalgia as to how another year has passed by so quickly.

What happens if you are invited to two birthdays and both are very different?

One is full of all these beautiful things. Friends, family, gifts, cards, a new party dress and a time that so many happy memories are created.

The other; gifts were a headstone and flowers. The birthday party is only attended by 2 people, the mother and father, who are desperately trying to make sense of how it could have been an entire year since they last held their baby who died.

What if the mother or father was you? What if there was no option to choose which party you go to, which birthday you want to be involved in? Both events must happen, for one child cannot live if the other survives.

However hard you may try, you desperately want to wish it wasn’t true, it is. One of your children would always have failed to live.  If your first child was alive and well you would never have had your second child. You only have your second child because your first child died. You cannot ever have both of your children.

But the latest party was a happy one, our rainbow turned One. An entire year of happiness and joy because she lived. Regardless of the circumstances, what we had to endure for her to exist and how different things could have been, we are forever thankful to have her in our lives.

To those who are currently travelling the lonely road in search of their rainbow, keep going. It’s hard, but they are worth every moment of pain.

Stacey: Right Where I Am 2015: 2 years 4 months 3 weeks 5 days

Well firstly I am late, by almost a month, my sincerest apologies but hopefully by then end of this blog you will all understand why.

So it has been a long time since I last blogged for Loss Through The Looking Glass, my last post was just after my rainbow daughter Florence was born, after writing every week about my pregnancy I definitely used blogging as an outlet for my hope, fears and darkest thoughts. That is what I love about this page it is a safe place for those who have lost a child to write and read thoughts shared by those who are years on from having last held their child inside them and some who are only days on from this life changing event. The death of your child.

Where am I right now then?

Rambling I guess as I am not entirely sure. My life is so different now to how it used to be, I see myself as many different people; before Maisie, after Maisie, during my rainbow pregnancy and after. These events have changed me into a different person each time and I can never go back. I cannot be the person that I was before I lost Maisie because I know too much now. My innocence and naivety is gone. I can never be that person who doesn’t know about pregnancy and infant loss, I can never be that person who looks forward to announcing a pregnancy as soon as possible, I can never innocently go through life thinking that nothing will go wrong and that only good things will happen to me. After all child loss isn’t something that happens to you it happens to someone else…

Until it does happen to you.

So I am a different person now, am I a better person? The big question is has the death of my first daughter somehow enriched my life, made me a better person and in some sick way am I ‘glad’ that it happened?

Yes, no and sort of to all those things. She enriched my life because she taught me true love, the love a mother feels when she holds her child in her arms; this love is no less just because I never got to hold her alive. She lived for such a short time and there was such panic to get the placenta delivered that I never held her during her short life but the time I did hold her I will cherish in my memories forever. She taught me patience, she taught me understanding, she taught me forgiveness, she taught me not to allow others to hurt me so easily, she has made me a better mum. She showed me the strength of the bond my husband and I have that we can survive something so awful and become closer and stronger together. Because of her I don’t take anything for granted, I cherish every second of happiness in my life because I now know what true heartbreak is. Not the small meaningless upset but the true, deep, dark, monstrosity of horrendous heartbreak that comes from seeing your child die in your husbands arms, planning a funeral for your baby who never really lived, buying an outfit in a shop full of happy pregnant women to bury your daughter in and watching your husband lower a tiny white coffin into the ground with your child inside. That is true heartbreak. That has made me a better and stronger person.

So no I am not glad that my daughter died, but I am glad that she lived. I am glad that she chose me to be her mum, although it was only for a short time that I carried her inside of me and held her in my arms, I will carry her in my heart for the rest of my life. And I am glad that for the rest of my life I get the chance to honour her memory and make sure that the rest of the world doesn’t forget that she, Maisie Rose Davis, is my first child.

For those of you who have managed to read this far through my ramblings well done! I said at the beginning of this blog that I would share why this post is a month late. For those of you who followed my pregnancy blogs last year you will know that there is a certain point in any pregnancy that we have to reach before we know whether the pregnancy is 80% likely to have a positive or negative outcome. Well, I’ll let you work it out yourselves…

~~~~~

You can read Stacey's previous posts for the blog here:

Right Where I Am 2013: 15 weeks
Trying Again
Christmas
A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 4 to 8
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 9 to 12
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 13 to 16
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 17 to 20
Right Where I Am 2014: 1 year 13 weeks 6 days
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 21 to 24
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 25 to 28
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 29 to 32
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 33 to 36
A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 37 to 38
A Rainbow Pregnancy: My Birth Story

Miriam: Right Where I Am 2015: 1 year 9 months 3 weeks 2 days

So, I left my last blog on 27th July 2014 wondering if there might be a future rainbow. Turns out that there would be, and sooner than I thought with a bfp just three days after writing that.

We visited a local petting farm open day in September. It was a lovely day, though I was anxiously trying to avoid touching any animals and hand washing to OCD levels. While there, we saw a man making objects from weaving willow. Without knowing I was pregnant he made a baby's rattle and gave it to me. I also made a corn dolly - symbol of fertility. They became my good luck and were tucked up safely on Gabriel's shelf.

Of course it goes without saying that the rainbow journey is an emotional one. The inner turmoil of 'what if it all happens again?' is never far away. I just felt so detached I had to force myself to buy baby clothes and took 6 weeks to pack the hospital bag. Whilst I breathed a little easier after reaching certain milestones, I don't think I really felt certain that we'd be bring a baby home until he was in my arms.

Then there are the little digs made by others. The hints that of course, everything will be fine now, because a 'replacement child' will surely make everything right. And there are all the usual antenatal appointments that are now far from that. That innocence of pregnancy before loss now robbed. It's not usual to cry before going for an ultrasound scan, but when you've heard those awful words 'I can't find a heartbeat' each and every scan was met with trepidation and held breath until a heartbeat was found.

I really do think that across the board, maternity services need to be much more aware of and sympathetic to the struggles of a rainbow pregnancy. From the stupid small talk of 'is this your first?' Have you taken a moment to read my notes? Did you not see the large count the kicks loss sticker I put right beside my name? To being told that my concerns about things that had previously happened at the time of Gabriel's birth, that should have happened to no woman, being dismissed as 'irrational' as they 'just don't usually happen'! Err... hello? They happened to me! How do I say 'you'll never get a sensible bp reading off me in that room, because of what happened previously'? Being kept waiting in triage for a ctg bringing on the tears, and when asked to explain why, being told 'Well, it's best not to think about it'. Really? Are you for real?

However, in my case it was my loss of innocence I think that saved my rainbow baby this time. I kept the pressure on my consultant to not let me go over my due date. This resulted in several failed sweeps, which in turn led to a scan the day after my due date to check my fluid levels, placenta function and baby's head position.

As the sonographer placed her probe at the top of my bump, 'Well, there's the head!' she said. My previously supposedly head down baby was now footling breech. This triggered a whole new birth plan. I was kept in for monitoring of my raised bp and plus protein, while they tried to get me on an elcs list - no mean feat the week before the Easter weekend.

A sudden feeling of relief oddly as this meant a whole different birth form Gabriel's. No fighting to get past the mw on the phone, or the woman in the desk at the ward. No sitting in triage! Small things, but they'd been massive concerns.

After my baby, a gorgeous 8lb 13oz boy, was born, the mw told me when I was back in the recovery bay, that as well as being footling breech, there was a true knot in the cord. Gabriel, I truly feel that you were watching over your little brother, and I sincerely thank you.

Today, my little rainbow isn't so little. He's rapidly approaching 4 months already. His babyhood is passing by far too quickly and I'm fighting against accepting the reality that he probably will be my last baby. I'm not a young parent and I've had truly awful SPD with all three pregnancies. I just don't think I can put me or my family through it again. And yet, I'd really love another. I'd love another baby. I'd love a little girl. I'd love.... But there's also the feeling that it wouldn't matter how many children I had: there'll always be one missing and so our family will just never feel complete.

Where am I right now?

Once again I'm wrapping birthday presents and feeling blessed. How many children do I have? I have three - I have my Sunshine, my Angel and my Rainbow. I consider myself a very lucky mummy to have each of these three.

~~~~~

You can read Miriam's previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2014: 9 months 3 weeks 2 days

Clara: Right Where I Am 2015: 4 years 3 months 1 day followed by 3 years 2 months 11 days

I wasn't going to write a post this year. I've been thinking and thinking and just couldn't find the words. I didn't really know where to start. I still don't but I was at the girls' grave today and felt I had to come home and write. Just some musings... no literary greatness... just some thoughts.

I remember thinking my title to these should always be much longer…

4 years 9 months followed by 4 years 3 months 1 day followed by 4 years followed by 3 years 2 months 11 days followed by 2 years 7 months

Just sounds ridiculous. Sad. Stupid. Depressing.  Honestly? I still can't believe that it is my story, that it all happened to me. I think I lived in a daze for a long time.

I struggled with the lead up to the girls' birthdays this year, much more so than ever before. A few days before Molly's birthday I opened an app on my phone: Timehop, 4 years ago today... my status was about a day we spent in St Andrew's. Great start to the holidays I said. I remember it clearly right down to the clothes we were both wearing. It was a beautiful warm day, we walked along the beach, I felt Molly moving. We were so full of hopes and dreams and so very happy.

Two days later she was gone and was then born on the 14th. Just reading that gave me a great big slap and I felt it right in my guts again. I struggled to keep it together for the next few days. I was such a different person then. I'll never be that girl again. I can see myself in my head on that day, so happy and so carefree. That day I just felt that it was all just shit. Those two little girls will always be missing. People just don't get that.

And then of course came the guilt. After all the loss, I was now in the position where I was a mummy to a living, breathing child. The most amazing little girl who has brought so much joy, laughter and healing into our lives. And here I was in a crying mess. What good does that do for the little miracle now here?

So I guess where I am right now is balancing the juggling act that is mothering 3 children in 2 entirely different ways: 1 who is here and 2 who are not. And realising that it is okay to still have days when I am sad. Mostly I am incredibly grateful, as always, for my little rainbow and for the support around us from friends and family. I am incredibly blessed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can read my previous Right Where I Am posts by clicking on the links below:

Right Where I Am 2014: 3 years 3 months followed by 2 years 2 months 1 week
Right Where I Am 2013: 2 years 2 months 2 weeks followed by 1 year 2 months
Right Where I Am 2012: 1 year 2 months followed by 1 month 10 days

You can read more about my condition and my story here:

Massive Perivillous Fibrinoid Deposition
My Story
When loss keeps on happening...

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: My Birth Story

This is the last in a series of posts that Stacey is writing about her rainbow pregnancy. To read the previous posts, please click on the links below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 4 to 8

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 9 to 12

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 13 to 16

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 17 to 20

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 21 to 24

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 25 to 28

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 29 to 32
Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 33 to 36
Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 37 to 38

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The birth

‘Do you want to go in the water?’ the midwife asked me during a contraction as I desperately tried to stay in any position other than on my back on the bed. I didn’t hesitate; we changed to the birth pool room and I was in the water within 5minutes, the relief as I sank into the hot water was amazing it took all the pain in my back away. I had gas and air but felt very in control and the pain wasn’t too bad. I knew I had to just get through each contraction and dilate to 10cm before I could push so all I had to do was wait for my body to be ready.

I started to get a lot of flashbacks of my labour with Maisie and became very grateful to be in the water as it was a totally different labour and environment from last time. In between my contractions I talked to my husband who was also finding the labour was bringing back a lot of memories from last time. Neither of us could believe that labour had finally started it felt like a medical process that we had to go through there was never any consideration for the fact that we were having a baby or that in just a few hours we might have a live child in our arms. It didn’t seem like that could ever be a possibility for us so seeing the cot in the corner of the room was actually very frightening.

I was aware of other women on the ward screaming, shouting and swearing all the classic noises you hear on the tv when a woman goes into labour. I occasionally heard the alarm go off and my midwife ran out of the room to go and help. None of these things helped me to believe we were there to have a baby as real as everything was around me it all felt like a dream and any moment I was going to wake up not pregnant and with no baby.

I wanted to stay in control of my labour and to try and help myself to be aware of the baby and to keep her safe I knew that I could lose her at any time so I kept my hand on my belly to try and feel her movements which became hard to feel during a contraction if I wasn’t focused. I also tried to remain composed when the midwife listened in to her heartbeat the weeks of CTGs and months of using my own Doppler meant that I knew what speed and rhythm was a normal sound for her heartbeat and each time I heard it myself I knew she was still ok.

I started to lose composure around 7cm when the midwife asked me to get out of the water for an examination. Leaving the water I felt all the pain suddenly hit me, my legs started to shake and I knew I needed to get to the bed and be examined as quickly as possible so I could get back in the pool. Hearing that I was 7cm and making good progress was a relief that the pain wasn’t for nothing. I think I was so relieved I used some choice rude words which is not normally something I would do in front of strangers!

I got back in the pool and all of a sudden things seemed to speed up very quickly. Every contraction was too painful to control with gas and air I felt a huge urge to push and couldn’t stop myself my body seemed to naturally start to convulse with each contraction. I became more and more vocal as the pain increased screaming out that I wanted and needed to push the baby out now. The midwives kept telling me it was not time and that if I pushed now nothing would happen but that the baby’s head was very low and that was why I was feel like I needed to push. I kept waiting for the point where I desperately needed more than gas and air to ask for more pain relief but the time never came. Although it was extremely painful the time in between contractions gave me a chance to think clearly and to be able to remember that however painful they were I would soon have another rest period.

I started to behave like a wild animal I swore a lot, screeched, cried and got very angry when the gas and air was taken off me to get out for my final examination. I couldn’t walk to the bed and was vaguely aware of my husband and midwife almost carrying me to the bed to be examined. Being told I was 10cm and was now allowed to push I almost cried with relief after hours of needing to push I was now finally allowed to.

I got back into the pool to push her head kept coming out and going back in it was increasingly frustrating and felt like a burning sensation. I knew I needed to focus and my pain started to change rather than the focus being on the contractions it was the burning sensation each time I pushed that hurt. The midwife left the room and when she came back was joined by another midwife, I instantly panicked thinking that something was wrong she reassured me that when they deliver there has to be two people present. She told me that I had been pushing for an hour (thank goodness I had no concept of time as I thought I had only been pushing for about 10 minutes) and that once I had got her head out I would be able to push her body out in one contraction. She warned me that when the baby was born she wasn’t allowed to reach in and touch her straight away but she had to let the baby rise to the surface of the water by herself.

I started to push again with everyone around me shouting at me trying to encourage me to push harder; finally her head came out. The midwife told me to feel her head as she had a lot of hair it was a very surreal experience feeling a head sticking out with masses of hair and again felt very much like a dream. I soon had another contraction and felt instant physical relief when she came out.

The relief lasted for a few seconds before I was desperately asking if she was alive when the midwife finally reached in for her, placed her on me and I heard her scream all I could do was close my eyes and keep repeating ‘she’s alive’. I couldn’t even look at her for the first few minutes all I could do was listen to the sound of her crying knowing that meant she was here and everything had been worth it.

Florence Ivy Davis was born on Monday 13^th October 2014 at 9.58am weighing 6lb 9oz (much smaller than the scans had suggested!). It no longer mattered how hard pregnancy had been mentally or physically having her alive in our arms I knew I would do it all over again without hesitation.

Nearly 3 weeks later

Whilst I write this my 2 week and 5day old daughter is sleeping on my chest. I can lean down just 2 inches and kiss her head full of hair, I can hear her snore and I can see the amazing faces she pulls whilst she dreams. She will never replace her big sister but Florence gives us a reason to live again, she is helping day by day to heal wounds that run deep, too young to even know just how special she is and how many people’s lives she has enriched and completed. 4am is fast becoming my favourite time of day when I wake up to spend an hour with her feeding and changing her, there is no-one else around, my husband is still asleep and I have her all to myself in my arms. It is then that I realise how lucky we really are and how I hope that I never take a single second for granted. Of course I still have some anxieties; is she too hot, cold, hungry, has she got a dirty nappy and is she still breathing all frequently run into my mind but the few seconds spent worrying before I check her are worth it just to be near her again.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

Thank you to Loss through the Looking Glass for giving me the opportunity to have a safe place to write about my hopes, dreams and fears for the past 9 months.

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 37 to 38

This is the tenth in a series of posts that Stacey is writing about her rainbow pregnancy. To read the previous posts, please click on the links below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 4 to 8

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 9 to 12

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 13 to 16

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 17 to 20

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 21 to 24

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 25 to 28

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 29 to 32
Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 33 to 36

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

37 weeks

We have made it to full term!!! The baby is now fully developed and ready to start making her way into the world. I have finished swimming this week as my membership has run out, I have really enjoyed my swimming and would highly recommend it as a gentle form of exercise (and relaxation!) during pregnancy especially as it takes the weight off hips and ankles. I unfortunately did not take a picture of me at 20 weeks when I started swimming but I decided to take one to remember my last swim.

I had my final growth scan at 37+2 and its good news baby is now 6lb 13oz which gives a predicted weight at 40 weeks of 8lbs not 9lb and the Doppler scan showed that the placenta is still performing well so she is still getting a good amount of oxygen and food. I haven’t had any signs of natural spontaneous labour yet but I do think I am coming down with some kind of sickness bug I have spent a few days this week in bed feel very nauseous but not actually being sick. I hope it passes soon!

Next week I have my consultant appointment that will give a final plan for when this baby will be born. I have been research the NICE guidelines and the statistics on what stage of pregnancy and induction is likely to succeed and the chances of it ‘failing’ and resulting in a caesarean section. I have decided I want to push for 39 weeks exactly as there is little evidence to suggest that waiting an extra week for the due date is actually worth it in terms of success of induction but I am also going to request a stretch and sweep to give me a final chance to go into spontaneous labour. I have been feeling very tired and sick this week and having lots of long baths as I seem to have no energy to do anything and the baths make me feel more relaxed with the hip and back pain I am now suffering from. I am very glad that whatever happens at my consultant appointment I wont have to go overdue there is no way I could physically (never mind mentally!) cope up to 42 weeks!

38 weeks

My consultant appointment went better than I hoped for! She again suggested that I should have a due date induction I refused and said I wanted 39 weeks exactly and she simply agreed and went off to book it we didn’t argue over it at all. Unfortunately I forgot that 39 weeks would be Monday 13^th October which is the day of the NHS maternity strikes therefore I could not be booked in for that day so it has been agreed that I will have 39+1 with an extra CTG and scan to help me mentally through the final stage. I was very pleased that she actually listened to me and has let me have what I want. My husband is now convinced that I will relax a bit and go into natural labour of my own accord but we will see! I also asked about a stretch and sweep which my consultant has agreed for me to have at 38+4 and she asked a midwife to do an internal check on me before we left that day. The internal showed that I was already 1-2cm dilated so things are looking positive for a successful induction!

When we got home from the hospital we saw a huge double rainbow outside our house, the first one I have seen since the day before we found out I am pregnant. I think Maisie approves the induction plan!

I had my stretch and sweep at 38+4 which was very painful, the midwife said I am now 2-3cm dilated and she could feel the top of the babies head! I lost a little bit of brown old blood after and felt very, very tired later that evening I lost my mucus plug and started to get some contractions they were very irregular but lasted for about 5 hours. I got very frustrated with them as they would get closer together and longer and then all of a sudden stop. I decided to go to bed and see what happens during the night but I woke up the next day with no signs of labour at all. The next day at 38+6 I started to get ready for my induction planning things like having food in the house, washing, cleaning and ironing all done but I still don’t believe I am going to be having a baby at all. The day ended just like every single day throughout the pregnancy with my husband and I taking our two dogs for a walk before bed at 11pm but tonight was going to be the night that everything changed. Within 10 minutes of getting home from walking the dogs I went from feeling completely normal to having contractions they started every 5 minutes lasting 30 seconds and were very painful. As the same thing has happened only 2 nights before I decided to go to bed and ignore them thinking they would stop. When I got into bed things started to feel more painful I actually started to cry with each contraction and soon I realised they were coming every 3-4 minutes. I decided to get up and have a shower as I hoped the hot water would help to ease the pain in my back, still convinced that I wasn’t having a baby and worried about going into hospital just to be sent home I tried to ignore it but soon I was having such painful contractions I was becoming quite vocal and my husband was begging me to call the hospital to go in. At 1.30am I finally called; the midwife who answered did not particularly want me to go in yet as she didn’t seem to believe I was having contractions and thought it was just part of a bloody show but towards the end of the phone call I had a really painful contraction and couldn’t speak. I had to hand the phone to my husband and whilst I completely blanked out with pain he told the midwife that we were coming in now as I was struggling to cope with the pain.

We got into the car and I started to lose control as the pain got worse. I screamed at my husband to slow down as he raced to the hospital throwing me around the car as he turned corners until we finally arrived and I knew I had to regain some kind of composure. I somehow managed to get some self control in order to check into the hospital and make our way to labour ward. Just as we approached the ward I had another contraction and although I managed to stay calm during it a midwife spotted us and came straight over. She took us through to the labour ward where I was put onto a CTG to check on the baby who was fine, I was given gas and air and had an internal examination. At 2am on Monday 13^th October at 39 weeks exactly the examination showed I was 4-5cm dilated and in active labour. I was not being sent home; I was staying to have a baby!

My last ever bump picture at 38+6

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To read Stacey’s next post, please click on the link below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: My Birth Story

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 33 to 36

This is the ninth in a series of posts that Stacey is writing about her rainbow pregnancy. To read the previous posts, please click on the links below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 4 to 8

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 9 to 12

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 13 to 16

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 17 to 20

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 21 to 24

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 25 to 28

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 29 to 32

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33 weeks

Fortunately I managed to get some rest after last week’s dramas and try to enjoy a bit of my weeks holiday but I am back to work again this week and I am starting to experience Braxton hicks. I always thought that they didn’t hurt and they were just little ‘practice’ contractions but mine bloody kill! They feel like period pains but almost don’t seem to go for hours sometimes then they go for days. One of my routine CTGs picked them up on the monitor there are registering as very, very small tightenings but they are strong enough to register!

We also started our antenatal classes this week, it has been very strange to learn about how to care for a baby and what emotions and things we may go through during labour and after having the baby as I truly don’t believe that any of it applies to us as I don’t believe we are going to bring this baby home. It is also hard being around true first time parents with all their innocence and naivety, I find myself very jealous that I cannot have that pure excitement and that I will never have it again no matter how many children I have. There are two more weeks of classes left and I am hoping we will be able to really get something from it if I can learn to try and relax a bit!

34 weeks

I have now finished work! I am taking 2 weeks holiday and then starting maternity leave at 36 weeks. I am very relieved to not have to deal with the stresses of anything other than baby and pregnancy worries it takes a lot of pressure off but is a bit daunting how much free time I have and how many weeks are left until the baby comes!

This week I had my 34 week consultant appointment and growth scan the scan went brilliant. I had a lovely sonographer who gave me a couple of free pictures and baby is now weighing approximately 5lb 9oz; tracking the 90th centile and potentially could be around 9lb!!

The consultant appointment I had been really nervous about. I wanted to talk about a plan for the end of the pregnancy and had done lots of research using the NICE guidelines to make a case to argue with my consultant about why I should be induced and not allowed to go overdue. It worked out that she had thought I would do exactly this and she started the appointment by asking me what I wanted from the rest of the pregnancy. I asked for an induction at 38 weeks but she advised that there is a high likelihood that this won’t be successful and will end up in medical intervention and likely a c section. She advised that I consider being induced on my due date which would mean the baby would be more likely to be ready and engaged meaning that it was less likely to take 5 days and then be followed by a caesarean section. We agreed in the end that I would go away and do some more research and we would make a final plan at my next consultant appointment at 38 weeks.

Knowing that I wont have to go overdue has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders that I now don’t have to worry about it. A due date induction would could mean I go 5 days over due maximum but I have been assured that I would be in hospital the entire time being monitored. I am also very relieved that I did not have to fight to get an induction and that it was such an easy conversation it made everything much easier. Now I just need to decided what I actually want to do, do I stand by what I originally wanted and push for slightly earlier than my due date or do I go with what my consultant says and accept due date. Its not an easy choice to make.

35 weeks

We decided to go to London for a last day trip out before (finger crossed!) two become three, we had a lovely weekend saw the musical Wicked and had dinner with a friend. It definitely opened my eyes to how different things are between London and the Midlands.  Not a single person offered me a seat on the tube despite how obviously pregnant I looked and on the train home I was told to move by a man who wanted my seat!

This week I finally finished packing my hospital bag which is something I have been putting off for weeks. Almost every appointment I go to I get asked if I have packed and when I say no I get the slight eyebrow raised as a response so I decided now was time to get organised. It was hard to pack things for a baby that we don’t know if we will bring home or not. Things like clothes we will need either way but to organise the car seat, nappies, wipes all the things that only a live baby needs was really hard. We have packed a separate bag for the baby that will stay in the car until she is safely here and then my husband can get her bits from the car. All we have for her in the interim is a blanket to wrap her in.

We also sorted Maisie’s garden this week, we normally go every 2 weeks; we clean everything and trim the grass around her, I also like to change the decorations that she has and do themes throughout the year. She had a beach theme this summer so we have changed it to an animal theme (mostly owls and butterflies). Being there made me realise this could be one of the last times that we go down and stay for a good amount of time if things do go well we will struggle to get there and spend an hour or two tidying up every few weeks. It has left me feeling very sad and like the only thing I can do for her I may no longer be able to do properly. I never realised before how complex the emotions of being pregnant again would be the constant swing of happiness and hope through to sadness and despair is very draining.

36 weeks

The final week before I am classed as full term! I have finally finished writing my birth plan; I didn’t particularly want to write one but my midwife pointed out that If I go in with nothing then I may find that I feel disappointed after if I don’t have some positive memories of the delivery. So this is my short birth plan obviously the choices I have made for things like pain relief and placenta delivery are only my choices there are no right or wrongs in how we get our babies here as long as they get here safely.

• I am very anxious and may need reassurance
• I understand that births do not always go to plan and am happy to do whatever is best for the baby and I
• I would really like to have as positive an experience as possible to balance the negative memories of my previous labour
• If possible I would like to use water during labour
• I would like to stay as active and upright as possible without compromising the need for monitoring and I am happy to take advice on positions for labour
• I would like to start with as little pain relief as possible and build up if needed
• I do not want pethidine or diamorphine; If needed I would rather have an epidural
• I do not want any form of pain relief that could have a negative effect on the baby
• I would like a managed placenta delivery
• If it is safe for the baby I would like delayed cord clamping
• I would like skin to skin as soon as possible
• I would like to try to breastfeed
• I would like the baby to have Vitamin K via injection

Sadly this week did not go completely smoothly; my midwife appointment this week left me feeling very frightened. I had felt the baby move all morning even right up to the minute the midwife asked me to get onto the bed so she could listen to the babies heartbeat I was sure everything was fine. When she got the Doppler out she put it onto my placenta and seemed to be struggling to find the babies heartbeat, her face went white and I really started to panic this couldn’t happen not now we were so close. She then said yes it sounds fine and turned the Doppler off. I am convinced she did not find the heartbeat. I left the appointment terrified, went out to the car and was about to call triage to go and get checked out when the baby started moving again. I have no idea what happened and why the midwife couldn’t find her heart beat but the baby was absolutely fine and routine CTG monitoring showed that there was nothing wrong at all. Unfortunately it left me very scared and the mental impact of the event has shown as I am now struggling to sleep, having nightmares and convincing myself every morning that the baby has died over night. I need these next few weeks to go quickly and to get this baby here alive in my arms!!

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To read Stacey’s next post, please click on the link below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 37 to 38