Jo: Right Where I Am 2016: 1 year 2 weeks 4 days

I have tried to write this a few times over the last couple of weeks but it always seemed to be on a bad day, the days when it hurts to cry about them, what I produced was really bitter. In truth, on a bad day that is who I am the bitter person thinking "why me? Why my babies?"  With time I have realised it is fine to be that person. It is fine to be the person who wants to fill the house with their memory and ensure they aren't forgotten. I can be whoever I need to be to get through the day. Before the twins died I was level headed and it was commented how you always got me the same way.

As everyone who finds themselves on this site will know when your children die, it changes you. My life is now forever divided into before and after. My twins, Katie and Sophie, have taught me so much in the short time they were with us and even now as we come to terms with living without them. My girls made me a mum, the hardest kind of mum. Through being that mum I have made friends who have seen me at my very worst covered in tears and barely breathing as I have seen them the same way. Slowly those women picked me up and we all started walking forward. As hard as it is we all do keep moving forward often it's only when helping someone else we can see how far we have come and often how far we have left to go.

It has now been over year and on that day, the 9^th May 2015, life stopped for me. I didn't really grasp that life carried on. Every morning when I woke up I had the horrible realisation that the nightmare I had was actually my reality. I went numb, I got dressed every morning as I had that day. It was a very warm day so for months I was wearing maxi dresses which elected some strange looks when wearing summer clothes in October. In the first year after Katie and Sophie's life I found hard as I approached all the anniversaries of the milestones in my pregnancy. It made it slightly easier when my husband and I discussed this time last year on tough days.

Now into the second year without them it is harder, these days last year where filled with so much pain. My own life only seemed to start again in February of this year when my little take home baby was born, 8 weeks early and weighing just 3lb 2oz, but she was perfect. After months of worry and tears, I had a baby in my arms. But Olivia does bring a lovely contrast of light and happiness, she looks so much like her sisters it is lovely. She is now nearly 16 weeks old and I am coming to accept that she is benefiting from the mum Katie and Sophie created. I know how precious each milestone is, when she smiled for the first time it was as if she was smiling for all three of them, she has such a hearty giggle. When she wakes me in the early hours of the morning I love her even more as I remember the night crying over the babies I would never hold again.

I know how lucky I am to have my take home baby and while no-one will ever replace her sisters, she brings a beautiful ray of hope into the difficult days. I like to think that somehow Olivia has know her sisters and that she will always two guardian angels looking over her.