Since losing Laura I've gone on to have twin boys who are now 2 and a half years old. They fill my days, often with tantrums and demands but just as often with laughter and squeals of fun. I talk to them about their older sister, although I know it will be years yet before they understand. They know where she is though. We visit her grave around once a week, often before I take them to playgroup, as the cemetery is on the same road as the Children's Centre. They say her name as we pull into the road. They say her name when I buy flowers. This much they understand.
Laura would be the age now that I was when I started school. She would have been starting primary school this September had she lived. I cannot help but wonder how she would have felt about this. Would she have be confident like her older sister, or would she have worried about being separated from me.
There is not a day that goes by without me thinking of her. Last thing at night especially I feel the need to think of her. Sort of like a mental 'tucking in'. I know nobody thinks of her like I do. I know people actually forget that she ever existed. I've come to terms with that now. That's their problem, not mine. I was lucky enough to have her. Lucky enough to feel her moving around inside me and lucky enough to cuddle her for those first precious hours before we realised she was so desperately unwell. She has changed me without a doubt. I have no idea whether anything exists beyond this life but I am actually ok about this. What else can I be?
On the days where my twins look at me and their faces are identical to their oldest sister, I wonder what my only dark haired child would have looked like. I miss her every day. I'm grateful for having had her, for the lessons loss has taught me and I'm grateful for the friendships I've made along the way with other mums that just 'get' me.
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You can read Claire’s previous posts here:
Right Where I Am 2013: 1 year 2 months 2 weeks 2 days
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