Jo: Right Where I Am 2016: 1 year 2 weeks 4 days

I have tried to write this a few times over the last couple of weeks but it always seemed to be on a bad day, the days when it hurts to cry about them, what I produced was really bitter. In truth, on a bad day that is who I am the bitter person thinking "why me? Why my babies?"  With time I have realised it is fine to be that person. It is fine to be the person who wants to fill the house with their memory and ensure they aren't forgotten. I can be whoever I need to be to get through the day. Before the twins died I was level headed and it was commented how you always got me the same way.

As everyone who finds themselves on this site will know when your children die, it changes you. My life is now forever divided into before and after. My twins, Katie and Sophie, have taught me so much in the short time they were with us and even now as we come to terms with living without them. My girls made me a mum, the hardest kind of mum. Through being that mum I have made friends who have seen me at my very worst covered in tears and barely breathing as I have seen them the same way. Slowly those women picked me up and we all started walking forward. As hard as it is we all do keep moving forward often it's only when helping someone else we can see how far we have come and often how far we have left to go.

It has now been over year and on that day, the 9^th May 2015, life stopped for me. I didn't really grasp that life carried on. Every morning when I woke up I had the horrible realisation that the nightmare I had was actually my reality. I went numb, I got dressed every morning as I had that day. It was a very warm day so for months I was wearing maxi dresses which elected some strange looks when wearing summer clothes in October. In the first year after Katie and Sophie's life I found hard as I approached all the anniversaries of the milestones in my pregnancy. It made it slightly easier when my husband and I discussed this time last year on tough days.

Now into the second year without them it is harder, these days last year where filled with so much pain. My own life only seemed to start again in February of this year when my little take home baby was born, 8 weeks early and weighing just 3lb 2oz, but she was perfect. After months of worry and tears, I had a baby in my arms. But Olivia does bring a lovely contrast of light and happiness, she looks so much like her sisters it is lovely. She is now nearly 16 weeks old and I am coming to accept that she is benefiting from the mum Katie and Sophie created. I know how precious each milestone is, when she smiled for the first time it was as if she was smiling for all three of them, she has such a hearty giggle. When she wakes me in the early hours of the morning I love her even more as I remember the night crying over the babies I would never hold again.

I know how lucky I am to have my take home baby and while no-one will ever replace her sisters, she brings a beautiful ray of hope into the difficult days. I like to think that somehow Olivia has know her sisters and that she will always two guardian angels looking over her.

Charlotte: Right Where I Am 2014: 5 weeks 2 days

It’s been 5 weeks and 2 days since I lost my twin baby girls, Scarlette & Issabelle, it feels like it’s been 5 months instead of weeks. I’m in a hard place right now, I don’t cry as much and I’m not as sad but it’s not because it doesn’t hurt, it's just because I can’t physically cry any more and the sadness leaves me exhausted.

The pregnancy was exhausting and I was constantly making trips to the hospital and I was constantly worried, I guess I was always prepared for the worst, as at 16 weeks Issabelle was diagnosed with a heart condition and they told me she wasn’t going to make it. Around 20 weeks Scarlette was diagnosed with the same heart condition. Issabelle was an amazing fighter and made it to 23 weeks and Scarlette made it to 24 weeks, although I think if I hadn’t gone into early labour Scarlette may have stayed in there longer and I might still have her now, she lived for 7 minutes and then she passed away in my arms. They were both perfect and when I went back to get the forms and paperwork to register them the midwife gave me a small piece of paper that was pink and had their names on and it said ‘too beautiful for earth’ which was lovely and so true they were perfect, I couldn’t even believe I made 2 people so beautiful.

Every Wednesday I light 2 tea lights for my girls and I will sit till the tea lights go out, and this gives me some comfort, I have the blankets they were wrapped in when they were born and sometimes I just can’t let go of them.

The last time I held them was on the day of their cremation, I didn’t want to let go, and I sat with them for 3 hours and I just cried and cuddled them, it was really sad to leave them all alone, and sometimes I regret the decision to have them cremated but there is a lot of things I regret, sometimes I think if I had noticed my pains earlier and gone to the hospital they could of stopped the early labour, or sometimes I regret telling them not to help Scarlette when she was born but her heartbeat was low and slow, and it was most likely she would pass away and she needed heart surgery which she couldn’t have 'til she was 35 weeks at least and she was only 24 so I didn’t want her poked and prodded with needles and on a machine that would keep her alive, just wanted her to go in peace in my arms.

Sometimes I can’t even go to a supermarket to the shop, because I notice that everyone has a baby, and there’s always that dreaded baby aisle. I can’t even look at my best friend and I just want to snap at her when she complains about her 27 week pregnancy being hard and her back hurting, she doesn’t know how good she has it. She drinks and smokes and has a perfect unborn baby. I didn’t drink or smoke and I lost 2 of mine, not that I would ever wish her baby to be lost at all.

It feels like I lost everything at once, don’t have much to get up for in the mornings, but I’m learning to just survive and get through the day, and hopefully eventually it might start to get a little bit better. So I guess where I am now is at a stage of sadness, regret and jealousy and just missing my perfect little angels. I would do anything to just have them here even if it was just one day.

Katy: Happy 1st Birthday

A message to our boys on their first birthday...

Dear Matthew and Oliver,

Today you would have turned 1. If you were here, I'm sure that we would have had a really fun day with all your family. I would have made you each a cake (as soon as we found out that there were 2 of you we had decided that you shouldn't have to share a birthday cake!) We would have also had a little party and you would have had loads of pressies. I often wonder what you would be like now, what we would have brought you for your birthday, what you would be doing and little things like what colour your eyes would be.

But you aren't here, because you will always be 6 days old. However, that doesn't mean that we can't still have a special day for you. Me, Daddy and your Sisters are going to go in to town and see your special butterfly on the wall at the museum. After that we are going to plant a lovely tree we have brought for the garden. It is a Japanese Maple and the leaves go bright red every autumn. This means that it will look fabulous on your birthday every year. It also has a colourful sign so that everyone can see that it is in memory of two special boys.

We have also got a little present for your sisters. It is a book all about you so that they can grow up knowing all about their big brothers. They are a bit too small to understand it at the moment but I'm sure that they will love it when they are a bit bigger.

Me and your Dad still miss you both terribly and Emily and Sophie, your little sisters, would have loved to have met you. But we will try and make your birthday as happy as we can, a wonderful celebration of the two of you!

You can read more about Katy and her journey in her own blog 1 in 10 Thousand

Tasha: Forever Changed

My story like everyone else’s, is very unique. It also has a controversial topic related with it, abortion and selective reduction. My husband and I used a medication called Clomid in order to get pregnant. I do not ovulate on my own so we knew this was our first step in starting a family. We were shocked when I got pregnant the first month. My pregnancy started out quite normal, I was sick and tired but I was happy. When we had our first appointment at 8 weeks we were shocked to find out that I was pregnant with quadruplets. I remember laughing in the doctor’s office because I just couldn’t believe that I had four babies growing inside me. Then reality set in. How was I going to carry four babies? Would they survive? Would I survive?

We were faced with the absolute most difficult decision of our lives, try to carry quads or reduce to twins. We took a week to make our decision. It was the longest and most difficult week of my life (up until that point at least).  We were given so many statistics and hypotheticals that I probably couldn’t repeat any of them back to you if I tried. The bottom line was it was more likely that all the babies would die rather than all of them live. I would be hospitalized by 20ish weeks and the babies would be lucky to be born after 28 weeks. I knew that the chance of them surviving was little. Of course you hear of all the miracle stories where quads survive and everything is fine, but that is only half of it. Most people are not that lucky. Those are the exceptions, not the rules.  We made the seemingly impossible decision to end two of our babies’ lives in order to give the other two babies a better chance of survival.

I have so much guilt and I still wonder if we made the right decision. Of course I have had some judgment from others and honestly that is okay with me. I know that with the facts we had, we made the right choice. It is easy to judge from the outside but until you are faced with that kind of decision, you have no idea what you will do.

A week after the reduction we found out that one of the babies heart had stopped. I was devastated. At this point I was 13 weeks along and just hoped that everything would go smoothly from there. I kept thinking that we had already gone through so much that we could not possibly lose the last baby. That would just be too cruel. The only thing that was getting me through was the fact that we still had one baby to look forward too. We began planning like any other expecting parents. We planned the nursery, work, and picking out a name. I had been having other complications and was being closely monitored by my doctors. However, at exactly 19 weeks I began having contractions. This was not the first time so I was hoping it was just another false alarm. We went to the hospital just in case and just a few hours later we were informed that the placenta was detaching and the baby would be born and that he would not survive. I remember feeling like I was underwater when she said that. All I could think was “no!” This could not be happening. We had already been through so much, he couldn’t die too.

At 11:42 on October 5, 2012 I gave birth to our sweet angel baby Maddox Moore. He was absolutely perfect. He had my mouth and nose, and his dad’s beautiful shaped eyes. I am so proud to be his mom and I am so glad that I got the time with him that I did. I would go through it all again if that meant being able to hold him one more time.

I go through our decisions all the time and I wonder if we did the right thing. I know that many people will say that what we did was wrong or that they would have never been able to do what we did and others will agree that they would have done the same thing. I know that we will always wonder what would have happened had we not done the reduction. I also know that had we lost all four babies later in the pregnancy that would have been just as awful. I would have then wished we had done the reduction. I will never know what would have happened but I do know that I have to accept the decision we made and be thankful for the time we had with Maddox and the other babies we never got to meet.

You can read more about Tasha's story on her blog Forever Changed.

Katy: Two Little Boys - Oliver & Matthew's Story

I met my husband Chris at salsa classes 5 years ago. We got married in April 2011 and decided we were going to spend the rest of the year doing things we really wanted to do before we had a baby! We went on an all out luxury honeymoon to the Far East, travelled around India by train, moved house and upgraded our totally battered old car. When Christmas came we felt we were ready to try and start our own little family. I was just starting to worry after our 5^th cycle of trying to conceive when shortly after our first wedding anniversary I got the elusive BFP - we were thrilled and so excited.

At the end of July came our first BIG surprise. I was massively worried about the 12 week scan as my close friend had had a missed miscarriage. So, when the sonographer said “Ahhh OK,” I convinced myself something was up until she turned round the screen and said “Well there's your baby..and there's the other one!” TWINS! We were totally shocked but really pleased. I was 29, Hubbie 32 ,no history of twins in either family, no fertility treatment, all in all no risk factors for twins. We told all our family the news that weekend. Everyone was ecstatic. A week later we saw the consultant who reassured us that they were DCDA twins (the lowest risk type).

My pregnancy was pretty text book and our 20 week scan showed 2 perfectly formed babies kicking each other! The only real problem I had was that I got very huge, very quickly, I'm naturally quite skinny so it really showed. I started to struggle with back pain and had to go for phsyio (off a gorgeous Irish guy unfortunately!) By 24 weeks I measured 35 and had put on 2 ½ stone, more or less only on my bump.

Therefore I didn't worry too much when after a busy day pram shopping at 24 weeks I started to get a crampy pain in my back. It wasn't dreadful but it was nagging and on Monday morning I rang maternity assessment to get it checked out as I had a busy day at work. They said that all sounded fine, that I wasn't leaking fluid or bleeding and the babies were still moving but If I wanted to come in for reassurance then I could. So I did feeling like a paranoid first time mother! Once there all looked fine, the midwives were all ready to send me home or rather back to work for an afternoon of teaching 8 year olds PE (!) but as a matter of procedure a Dr came in to check me out. This was then I was found to be 3cm dilated... then everything went crazy.

The hospital I was booked in to had Special Care but now NICU so I was put in an ambulance (blue lights sirens the whole lot) to go to the nearest place with 2 NICU cots that was about 40 miles away. I still felt O.K, everyone had told me labour was really painful, this couldn't possible be it, I was given drugs to stop the contractions with a view to having a rescue cervical stitch put in but they didn't work (I have since found out from my parents who are both Drs that these drugs have a very low success rate).

After a scarily short labour (with 15 medics in the room not what I had ever imagined!) Oliver Thomas (1lb8oz) and his younger brother Matthew Daniel (1lb9oz) arrived in to this world kicking and screaming, surprisingly loudly, at 8:55 and 9:16pm- They were perfect, I instantly fell in love with them and I glanced across the room to see them being taken over to the NICU.

I visited them twice that night, they were bigger than I thought they'd be and over the next few days they remained stable. I spent almost all day and night going from incubator to incubator. Their odds of survival were never great at around 25% but they made small amounts of progress. They were able to be feed  on my breast milk through a tube, have little cuddles in their incubators and hold our fingers. Their brain scans and blood tests all came back clear. They each had their own little personalities. Matthew was more chilled and Oliver a lot more boisterous!  The staff there were all amazing. My father in law used to be a neonatal- paediatrician and was so impressed by the standard of care which was really reassuring.

On day 5, Matthew took a sudden turn for the worse, his tummy swelled and he lost his colour, he was diagnosed with necrotising enterocolitis (a disease of the bowel common and often deadly in premmie babies) He was immediately put on high strength antibiotics and the head consultant rushed in from home. Despite the best attempts of the medical team he was taken off his ventilator in the early hours. We held him as he passed away and told him how much we loved him. He looked so peaceful as we gave him a wash, dressed him in some new clothes and tucked him up in a Moses basket.

The next morning and Oliver was still doing O.K but the staff were slightly worried as his temperature was varying slightly, as a precaution he was started on antibiotics and transferred to another hospital where they can operate on tiny babies with NEC. Sadly he got worse very quickly and that evening they had to operate. 

We followed his incubator down to the theatre where we told him what was happening and he squeezed my finger- It was as if he already knew. We waited for the longest hour of my life until the surgeon came out and said he had tried his best but that it wasn't enough.

Less than 24 hours after we said goodbye to his brother we said good bye to Oliver and gave him the same respectful death as we gave Matthew. Then all his grandparents came in and gave him a goodbye cuddle. Without his wires in he looked just like his Daddy.

I wanted to tell my boys story for a few reasons-

Firstly to highlight the risks of multiple pregnancy. So far they think they were premature just because they were twins. That I was carrying around the same amount of extra weight as a woman at term, that my body was tricked in to thinking it was time they were out and my cervix gave way. They were perfectly formed and big for dates. I'm fit and healthy and had no sign of any medical condition. If you are, or know someone who is carrying more than one.. make sure that you listen to your body extra carefully.

 I also wanted to say how hard it is being a mum of multiples on a neonatal unit. I still wonder if I spent the same amount of time at each incubator, did I hold them the same amount of times? It was very hard after Matthew had died walking past the incubator he had been in to see Oliver and stay strong for him. As well as the guilt of feeling that I have let them and everyone around me down I also have the guilt this brings with it.

But most of all I wanted to tell the story of my gorgeous sons and how, even for just a short week, they brightened my life and the lives of all those around them.  

Sleep tight my handsome chaps!