Jennifer: Right Where I Am 2016: 1 year exactly

(written 9th June 2016)

I still can't believe it's been a whole year since my perfect little girl was stillborn at full term. Happy birthday Beth, I love you more with every passing day. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about you or stop and stare at your pictures around the house.

The pain hasn't eased - I never expected it to.

Where am I? Well I've decorated the house for Beth's first birthday celebrations, balloons, banners, and some cards and presents have come in the post. Cake iced and ready to eat… Everything is ready except my birthday girl is missing…

I never expected to be where I am right now this time last year. I've only managed to get through it because I have my rainbow baby in my arms. Beth's little sister is here, born on the 20th May… 2 babies less than a year apart… One in heaven and one in my arms.

I'm filled with so much happiness, yet so much pain and heartache. Violet looks so much like her big sister especially when she is sleeping. I'm scared of leaving her for too long incase she's taken from me too. I'm trying to grasp every single moment I have with her just incase. Every single nappy change and extreme tiredness I am embracing just incase. Plenty of photos and videos taken just incase.

So here I am… Realising just how much I'm missing out on with Beth and maybe over protecting my little Violet. Pain and joy at the same time. So very hard.

But… happy 1st birthday Beth, I hope wherever you are you can see how much we love you and wish you were here with us. Sweet dreams baby, another few items for your memory box until we meet again.

Love you more than I can ever possibly write or say X

~~~~~

You can read Jennifer’s previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2015: 6 weeks

Stacey: A Second Chance at a First Birthday

Birthdays: they should be full of cake, balloons, presents, laughter and nostalgia as to how another year has passed by so quickly.

What happens if you are invited to two birthdays and both are very different?

One is full of all these beautiful things. Friends, family, gifts, cards, a new party dress and a time that so many happy memories are created.

The other; gifts were a headstone and flowers. The birthday party is only attended by 2 people, the mother and father, who are desperately trying to make sense of how it could have been an entire year since they last held their baby who died.

What if the mother or father was you? What if there was no option to choose which party you go to, which birthday you want to be involved in? Both events must happen, for one child cannot live if the other survives.

However hard you may try, you desperately want to wish it wasn’t true, it is. One of your children would always have failed to live.  If your first child was alive and well you would never have had your second child. You only have your second child because your first child died. You cannot ever have both of your children.

But the latest party was a happy one, our rainbow turned One. An entire year of happiness and joy because she lived. Regardless of the circumstances, what we had to endure for her to exist and how different things could have been, we are forever thankful to have her in our lives.

To those who are currently travelling the lonely road in search of their rainbow, keep going. It’s hard, but they are worth every moment of pain.