Thursday, 15 August 2013

Nicole: Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful boy

I can't believe two years have passed since we lost you, since you were born.  The moment when we were told you had died remains the worst moment of my life.  Nothing that happened afterwards: not the induction and your silent birth the following day, not leaving you at the hospital, not the funeral - nothing is as bad as that moment.  I've been trying not to think about that moment today.  I'm sorry for that, my sweetheart, but I needed to get through the day.  I've busied myself with tasks, with going out and doing things, and with looking after your little brother. 

I wish you were here to see him.  I'm sure you'd switch between being helpful, and fighting with him, as brothers often do.  But then, he might not be here if you were.  That thought bothers me - as I wouldn't be without him for a moment, but then, I hate being without you.  I am greedy, and I want you both. 

Tomorrow should have been celebrating, and balloons, and trying to stop your brother grabbing a handful of cake.  It should have been you playing with your friends, Arthur and Matthew amongst them of course.  I love seeing them.  It was hard at first, but now I have your brother they allow me to imagine what you might have been like, just a little. 

So instead tomorrow we will celebrate for you.  No cake, no party, no balloons.    Instead we will wear robot t shirts, all three of us, as we think of that as your symbol.  We will do another New Thing in your honour, as we have been doing all week.  We are going to visit Northumberlandia.  We will be outdoors, on that sculpture in the earth, and I will imagine you running around, about how you might have been.  I will think of you as you were until that last day- safe and warm in my tummy, moving about, kicking your dad in the face. Giving us both such joy.       

We will visit your plaque in the cemetery, and see your name in the book of remembrance.  We'll take sunflowers for you, my beautiful first boy who lit up our lives. We will give thanks, to you, and to the universe, for the gift that was you and the love you brought us.  Happy birthday, my wonderful boy.  And thank you. xxx

1 comment:

  1. I cried reading this. What a beautiful post.

    I will light a candle for Xander tomorrow and send him floaty birthday wishes.

    Much love xx