Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Erin: No Expectations

This post comes from Erin's website and blog Will CarryOn. Erin started this site in 2011 following her 4th loss as a place to share miscarriage and loss resources and hope. You can find out more about Erin at the site and you can also access a wide variety of excellent support and resources. Thank you Erin for allowing us to share this post here.

The clock will soon hit midnight, and the calendar will flip to a new year. I’ve been trying to sum up my feelings about it and ironically, I’ve been all over the board. I saw this card and at first, I couldn’t agree more. Goodbye 2012 and good riddance. If I never had to think about you again, it’d be too soon. But then I realized that if we never spoke of this year again, then it would be as if Sarah Hana and Benjamin Samuel (and their triplet) never existed. But they did. And they do. So I can’t wipe out this year from my memory, no matter how awful it was. Not tonight. Not ever. Somehow, what I have to try to do is to reframe how I think about it. Somehow.

Right now when I think about 2012, some choice words come to mind. I’m sure I could string together a proliferation of profanity that would make a sailor blush (who am I kidding, I could do that on a good day), but what good would that do? Who would I be yelling at? No one can change what has happened. Life will continue moving, and who knows what’s ahead of us. I look back on this past year and am once again am amazed by Double A’s and my strength, courage and perseverance:

We didn’t think we could have a worse year. We did.

We didn’t think we could be faced with something even more horrific. We were.

We didn’t think we could survive more loss. We are.

I remember sitting here a year ago, counting down the seconds, thinking the worst year of our lives was behind us. There was so much hope in the air. So much promise. Last year, I talked about not knowing what 2012 would bring, but I had hoped it would be better. And yet here we are.

We have no expectations for 2013, but once again, we find ourselves hoping. And that in itself, says more than I can write.


  1. Thank you again Erin for allowing us to share this here. As I commented on your original blog post, this really resonated with my and I completely identified with it. I waved goodbye to 2011 thinking 2012 could not possibly be worse... it was. We have now waved another year goodbye (and gladly so) and like you, for 2013, we have no expectations. We are just going to try and move forward as best we can. Much love to you and wishing you health, happiness and peace for 2013 x

    1. Thank you for sharing my post, Clara. I'm so sorry about your losses, and the pain you've had to endure. No one should have to go through something like this. Just trying to move forward is a huge feat, and we'll be there alongside you. Wishing us all a healthy and happy year that is better than the last.