Gemma: Wave of Light

For a few years now I have followed the project capture your grief where for each day of October we have a topic to discuss about our loss. I wasn't able to do it this year; I didn't feel emotionally able to cope with it. I don't know why and not doing it has bought the usual worry and guilt about moving on and people thinking I had forgotten him but of course I have not and nor will I ever. I think if I'm honest it stems from my decision that we won't try again for any more babies and that means I will never have a straightforward pregnancy and go into labour like a normal everyday wife and mother and this has been tough. I have become practiced at saying "oh god no I'm done" and accept the usual well meant offered comfort of "well you have one of each now" but it has been a carefully thought out decision based on the fact that years of utter terror has taken its toll on me and also my husband who, shut outside the operating theatre when Ede was born, watching people running for more blood could only imagine the worst.

Today, Sunday 15th October, is international wave of light where it is asked that anyone who cares to, takes a moment to light a candle in memory of a little one who didn't get to stay; for an hour at 7pm.

You may wonder, what difference will this make ? I can't explain for everyone but I can explain for myself. (Here I am again bleating on).

I have a handful of pictures, a handful of memories of my pregnancy and of Isaac after he was born and that's all I can ever hope for. I'm lucky that I can display these in my home along with my other children's pictures; I know sadly not all mummies are able to do this.

As the years pass by there are times when the whole thing seems surreal, almost that I imagined another baby and I post the same photos and the same memories because I simply don't have any more to offer to keep him here.

When you take a moment to think about him or any other baby, to say their name and light them a candle it makes them real, it gives Isaac a momentary presence in your home, a new memory of him here and now and a momentary lightening of my heart that he is still real, he still matters to someone other than Andy and I when he barely got to visit for a moment.

With two bright and challenging rainbows I can often be found yelling "socks on" repeatedly or "get off her, put her down" like a deranged prison warden so it may not appear that I know how very lucky I am. I can assure you I do know and I am thankful for all three of my babies , and no matter who you are or how early your loss; your baby mattered and with every flying leap I make to stop Fletcher and Ede falling off the wall or sofa I remember how lucky I am to be able to do it and how much I wish I'd been able to do it the first time around.

It also very much means anyone currently suffering and so often in silence knows they are not alone.

Helen K: Baby Loss Awareness Week

“A life is a life, no matter how brief”

These words have stayed with me since the loss of my 4 babies. 2 lost early pregnancy. One lost at 20 weeks. An infant son at 15 weeks and 2 days.

I am a devoted mother to all of my babies, although now I fiercely guard their memory and their existence, instead of guarding their lives. Like a lioness protecting her cubs, I am theirs and they are mine, and nothing can alter that, not even time.

I am now 5 years, 6 months and 7 days from the last time I held my son. The day he had no choice but to leave. I live each day as best as I can, but he is still with me every single second of every single day. If I close my eyes I can still feel his skin, hear his soft breaths, and remember everything he was.

Hearing people say his name if like a piece of heaven in my heart. Seeing so many parents receive a gift from his charity is beautiful but yet conflicted, their hearts are broken too. This loss is so large and destructive, unless you are a parent of a lost child most people still have no words or can’t think of anything to say. This loss is the greatest, but yet still the least talked about. Knowing this pain and the long lasting depth of it, I am trying to be a heard voice. Our babies matter. They will always matter.

With ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week’ approaching, I am seeing more and more posts from heartbroken parents speaking their child’s name. Remembering them in the safety of a community that knows, that cares, that understand, that won’t tell us to stop. This community is the ‘Baby Loss Community’, sites and groups where parents can come together and speak loudly and openly, speak their child’s name clearly and proudly. We miss them. We will always miss them.

Minute after minute, more parents saying and showing their love for their child, so many names, so many lives, so many futures lost…

So many stars that will forever sparkle in the memories of those who knew them, however briefly.

I light candles for each of my lost babies on the 15th October each year, and I light an extra one too. I say the names aloud of all the children who should be here and present, the names all chosen with love, the names being missed for eternity, visualising the empty chair in a room where they should be seated, I shall remember them all.

Say their names loudly, and with pride.

They matter. They will always matter.

Gentle wishes and kisses to the skies,

Helen Kennan, Mummy to Haydon, Euan and 2 tiny little angels,

www.haydonkennan.co.uk

Nikki: Baby Loss Awareness Week

I can still remember a night shift 15 years ago where I sat on my break making the first set of baby loss awareness ribbons to sell to raise money and awareness of those who had lost a baby. I felt I was channelling my grief into every one of those pink and blue ribbons I made, that I had a purpose, a goal and that was to make people aware that I, and many others like me had lost a child and a piece of us too.

15 years later the heartache remains, it's not as raw but it stops me in my tracks at times. Some people around me have forgotten about my first born son but I never will and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to remind people that I was made a Mum 15 years ago, not since my rainbow child was born but before him I loved and lost. I carried my first son for 9 months, I gave birth to him and held him for a few minutes, he was mine and I was happy. My life changed after that day, I changed. You may not see it but I lost a part of me and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to honour my son and let people know that I am a different me.

I use this week to let myself grieve again, to go back to the sites where I found comfort and courage all those years ago, to cry and remember how I felt. I don't allow myself back there often as I find myself going back to a dark place and I need to carry on for those still with me. I visit his grave and light a candle, not to show my son because he knows about my grief and how much I love and remember him, but to show the world.

Lindsay: Baby Loss Awareness Week

Before I lost my first baby I didn't understand what real grief, real loss felt like. I could only imagine what it might feel like to lose a much longed for child.

I worried each day through my first pregnancy that something would go wrong. I was one of four friends who were pregnant at the same time, due a few weeks apart, one was even due on the same day as I. I had heard the statistic 1/4 and this played on my mind every day.

As the days ticked by I started to look forward and although the worry never left I started to get excited.

At 17+6 weeks I gave birth to my son.

Nothing could have prepared me for that experience. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional pain that lingered far longer than any of the physical pain. The emotional pain is much duller now, but it'll never fully go away and I'm ok with that.

After we lost our son friends and family didn't know what to say, but they tried. 'Everything happens for a reason.' 'At least you got pregnant quickly.' 'You can have another.' 'At least...' 'At least...' I quickly came to understand that there is no 'at least' when it comes to the loss of a baby. The deep feelings you experience can't be fixed or summed up in a few words.

I cringe thinking about it now, but I clearly remember saying the usual cliches to one of my friends, some years before, after she suffered a miscarriage. I didn't know any better. I had no frame of reference. I knew these things happened, but it's not something that I'd had the chance to openly discuss. I had no knowledge. I was unaware of what she was going through and how she was feeling.

When I lost my son I didn't know there was a Baby Loss Awareness week. I had no clue what the pink and blue ribbon signified and had never heard of the Wave of Light.

In the weeks following my loss I joined various online support groups and my understanding of how baby loss affects people grew. It grew beyond my own experience. There were people out there who were talking about their babies, just as I longed to do with anyone who wished to listen. There were many different reasons and the stages of the losses ranged from a few weeks to neonatal deaths, but regardless of the circumstances each baby mattered. It was truly terrifying to realise all the things that could go wrong, but having access to those who understood, who were walking the same path, helped me immensely.

Through these groups I learned first about the 'Wave of Light' and then how this marked the end of Baby Loss Awareness week. If I only found out about this week after experiencing my own loss, then others could be forgiven for not knowing about it. Being open about my experience was important to me and I wanted to help raise awareness.

Over the past 4 years raising awareness has become increasingly important to me. You see, just over a year after losing my son I had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. Eight months after that I lost my first daughter at 21+4 weeks, seven months later a second daughter at 13 weeks (we had to end my pregnancy with her due to a fatal fetal anomaly) and after a further seven months another early miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Five babies lost in less than three years. Each loss unrelated and unexpected.

It's important for me to keep the memory of my babies alive. It's important for me that my friends and family remember them. I share how I feel, I blog to express the jumble of emotions I tackle on a daily basis. I raise money in my babies' names for Baby Loss charities so others can access the much needed support I received and also to raise awareness.

This, for me, is still a work in progress. Baby loss is still a taboo subject, but when it affects so many of us, so many of our friends, family, colleagues etc. why is this still the case?

It's a subject which makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I have friends who have silently gone through miscarriages and don't feel comfortable openly talking about their own experience. I know my openness about my babies can make others feel uncomfortable, but with increased understanding this will hopefully change.

That is why having a week designated to raise Baby Loss Awareness is so vitally important. It's affects so many it's something we should all eventually feel comfortable talking about.

By talking about my babies, my experiences, my grief, I was able to keep going.

Last night I was fortunate enough to tuck my 6 month old daughter into bed. That is something I thought would only ever be a dream. Even on my better, more hopeful days, I could hardly imagine it.

Having one of my daughters with me changes nothing and everything all at the same time. It doesn't mean I will forget my other five babies, they cannot be replaced. It doesn't mean I will stop blogging about baby loss, sharing quotes and posts from Baby Loss charities. Having her here makes me even more determined to 'break the silence', to remember her big brother and sisters and to increase awareness amongst my friends and family. It is slow progress, but as always I'm hopeful.

This Baby Loss Awareness week I am blogging about my babies and encouraging my friends and family to join me in the Wave of Light at 7pm on Sunday evening. I hope they will share photos of their candles so awareness of baby loss can spread.

Lynne: Baby Loss Awareness Week

After losing Findlay in July 2013 I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my whole life. How could I possibly live again. At first people were understanding and happy to listen to me talk about my much loved, much wanted, forever missed, son. The son I longed to see, to hold, to cuddle, to kiss, just one more time. The son I would have taken my last breath for just to see him take his first.

I am blessed to be surrounded by supportive family and close friends who continue to remember Findlay and understand how important it is to recognise his existence and acknowledge that he is part of our family forever.

Some have been less understanding. Some have suggested I should move on, others have suggested I should distance myself from the friendships and support networks I've been so lucky to build up with other bereaved parents as they felt it was unhealthy that I kept talking about Findlay. That I was living in the past.

I don't know one single parent that would be prepared to not talk about their child, share their memories, say their name. Why should that be different for children lost during pregnancy, shortly after birth or later in life? We do not have the privilege of making endless memories with our babies, have the pleasure of celebrating their milestones or watching them grow. Death, and the grief that follows, is part of their lives, part of their parents lives. The part that leaves a void in the parents hearts forever more.

It may not be the easiest topic to talk about but to do so could mean the world to that baby's parents.  The parents who have to live every single day of their lives hiding their broken heart. Baby loss awareness week is such an important event in the calendar. It helps parents feel empowered to talk about their babies, share their experiences, be reminded they are not alone. Please if you know someone who has lost a child let them know you remember and you care. Join us in the wave of light by lighting a candle at 7pm on 15 October. A little understanding goes a long way.

Findlay

Every day I wish

That things were different

That you hadn't had such a cruel start

That you weren't so ill that you wouldn't survive

Every day I wish

I could hold you in my arms just one more time

To kiss your perfect little cheeks and lips

And to look at your little button nose for hours on end

Every day I wish

I was able to watch you grow

Have memories of all your firsts

See you smile, crawl, walk, hear you giggle, laugh and talk

Every day I wish

I could hear you call my name

That I could be there for you

To wipe your tears and hold you tight

Every day I wish

I could tuck you in at night

Read you a story

Kiss you goodnight

Every day I wish

You were here with me

Playing with your little brother

Going to nursery, watching you grow

Every day I wish

The pain would go away

The ache in my heart

The void in my life

Despite all of that

Every day I am thankful

That you are my son

My precious first born

You made me a mummy

Every day I am thankful

For all that you have taught me

For all that you continue to teach me

Thankful for you

Miss you Findlay. Love you to the moon and back forever and ever xxx

Stacey: Baby Loss Awareness Week

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. 1 in every 4 women will be directly affected by the death of a baby during their lifetime. Baby loss does not discriminate, sadly, it can happen to anyone at any time. It is time to start talking about our children because they deserve to be remembered.

Almost 5 years ago my first daughter died and baby loss wasn’t something I knew much about, I didn’t know anyone who had lost a baby, or so I thought. Turns out so many women and men have lost children, babies and pregnancies but we just don’t talk about it. After my daughter died it was like an open floodgate of friends and family telling me they knew what I was going through because they had experienced something similar. They, of course, didn’t know what I was going through as each person’s loss and grief is unique to them but sometimes it is helpful to not be alone in grief. To simply feel less isolated and to break the silence surrounding the taboo of baby loss.

That is what this week is all about, breaking the deafening silence that masks the horror of losing a child, reducing the feelings of isolation and, most importantly, celebrating our babies lives however short they were.

This week there are many local and national events but one I would invite everyone to join in on is The Wave Of Light. On Sunday 15^th at 7pm wherever you are in the world you light a candle which burns for an hour creating a global wave of light lasting 24 hours. Whether you have lost a baby or are simply supporting someone you know who has this is a beautiful way to break the silence and show the world that our babies have left their mark and will not be forgotten.

Wave of Light 2013 Memorial Photos

For our little girls Molly & Grace whom we held in our arms for only a few hours but who are always in our hearts. Also remembering 3 little stars we never got to meet and all the little ones gone too soon from our lives. xxx

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Candles lit in memory of Isaac and all the other babies that were too precious to stay with us. Forever missed and always loved and remembered. x

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For our baby girl Ayla Hope Reading 1/2/12 - 4/2/12 and for all the babies that should be in our arms but instead will stay forever in our hearts x

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For my precious Louie and all his little angel companions. Forever in my heart xxx

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A candle burning brightly for Dinky and all the angels, lighting up the sky x

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Our candle shining brightly for our beautiful Imogen, all the other precious babies taken to soon and especially for baby lavelle who we laid to rest just this morning. May the world light up for you all. Love you to the moon and back Imi pops.

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Lighting a candle for Polly Skelton and all her other little angel friends

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International Wave of Light - for our little man, & all the tiny angels not with their mummies & daddies xxx

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 For our little princess Amelia-Mae Floaty kisses to all our little ones xxxx

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For Chloe and all our precious angels x

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My beautiful boy Oliver. Always in our hearts. Xxx

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A beautiful photo from Melody's mummy, Julz, who held a very special event tonight in her local Church. You can read more about this wonderful event here:
Capture Your Grief Day 15: Wave of Light

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For our baby boys x x

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For my baby boy Angel xx

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In memory of Katie 17/03/10, Taylor 27/07/97 and Max 20/01/07.

Beautiful angels playing among the stars. x

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For Seren Evelyn Jones 31/05/13

And for Bobby, Beatrice, Archie, and Kyle and all the other angels I am saddened but honoured to know about. Xxx

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Candles for my angels

Olivia Shorrock 02-04-2012 39+3 weeks pregnant

And Ben Johnson lost at 22 weeks pregnant x

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Thinking of all those beautiful angels gone too soon.  X x x

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xx Laura xx

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In memory of my forever sleeping son James x

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Thinking of my girls Emily and Beth and all the other little angels x

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xx Joseph xx

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For Seren 05.11.12-29.01.13 and Bean 2 30.09.11 and Bean 4 lost today xxxx

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Jessica and all the Angels x

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xx Baby Amison xx

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xx Maison xx

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For Max Charles and all the other babies who's amazing parents I have met in the last year and a half. We remember you little ones. xxxx

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All the angel babies in my thoughts tonight xxx

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xx Lucas xx

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For my sweet sweet angel, Grace. 23.9.13

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xx Olivia xx

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In memory of our beautiful baby boy Lucas. X

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For Laura and all the other little ones gone too soon x

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For Charlotte Sofia Hannah, 01/02/13, forever 42 minutes old, forever loved xxxx

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My candles for my beautiful daughter Rosalee Grace and all the precious babies and children taken too soon  xx

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xx Lola xx

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In loving memory of Georgie Currie, loved always xxx

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In loving memory of Riley & Reece Jnr.

Thank you to their mummy Aidean for remembering lots of little ones along with her boys xx

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For Nathaniel James list 17.12.11 and  beanie 24.11.10.

Always and forever in my heart until we meet again x

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For Lily xxx

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xx Maisie Rose xx

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My beautiful Frankie, forever my angel xx

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Bradley & Tyler's Wave of Light candles for them and their angel friends.
Think of them every day x

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Clara: Wave of Light 2013

For the third year in a row, I will be taking part in the Wave of Light to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

For those who would like to take part, October 15th is the designated day of remembrance during Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. The Wave of Light is an international event where people around the globe are asked to light candles at 7pm and leave them burning for one hour. The hope is that, as different timezones hit the 7pm mark, a continuous wave of light will move around the world. This also coincides with CarlyMarie's 'Capture Your Grief' photography project where Day 15's subject matter is this event.

This year I will be remembering my little girls and 3 little stars we never got to meet. We will also be asking family and friends to light a candle for them and send us the photo or post it on Facebook and tag us in it. I will add some of the photos here tonight.

In the meantime, you can read my post from last year by clicking on 'Wave of Light 2012' and here are some of our photos from that event also:

If you would like me to include your photos in memory of your own little ones, please email me at lossthroughthelookingglass@gmail.com and I will include them here tonight also.

Much love to all the bereaved families. I hope that tomorrow brings a little bit of light and peace into your homes.

Clara xxx

EDIT: I HAVE CREATED A SEPARATE POST FOR ALL THE MEMORIAL PHOTOS SUBMITTED TO THE BLOG. YOU CAN FIND THIS POST BY CLICKING HERE:

WAVE OF LIGHT 2013 MEMORIAL PHOTOS