Nikki: Baby Loss Awareness Week

I can still remember a night shift 15 years ago where I sat on my break making the first set of baby loss awareness ribbons to sell to raise money and awareness of those who had lost a baby. I felt I was channelling my grief into every one of those pink and blue ribbons I made, that I had a purpose, a goal and that was to make people aware that I, and many others like me had lost a child and a piece of us too.

15 years later the heartache remains, it's not as raw but it stops me in my tracks at times. Some people around me have forgotten about my first born son but I never will and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to remind people that I was made a Mum 15 years ago, not since my rainbow child was born but before him I loved and lost. I carried my first son for 9 months, I gave birth to him and held him for a few minutes, he was mine and I was happy. My life changed after that day, I changed. You may not see it but I lost a part of me and Baby Loss Awareness Week helps me to honour my son and let people know that I am a different me.

I use this week to let myself grieve again, to go back to the sites where I found comfort and courage all those years ago, to cry and remember how I felt. I don't allow myself back there often as I find myself going back to a dark place and I need to carry on for those still with me. I visit his grave and light a candle, not to show my son because he knows about my grief and how much I love and remember him, but to show the world.