Lianne: How I Came to Hold You (Eilidh)

Following Ben's post about the forthcoming publication of 'How I Came to Hold You', we asked people in the loss community if they would be interested in sharing their stories of how they 'came to hold' their own rainbow babies. This is the second of these stories...

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We could not believe it when we fell pregnant not long after our wedding. It was all I had ever wanted: to get married and have a family. We told our parents immediately and they were over the moon as it was going to be the first grandchild on both sides. We then shared our news with our friends after our 12 week scan which was on Hogmanay 2010. What a great way to start a new year! We believed that after 12 weeks everything would be ok, as many people do. How things have changed… I find it very difficult when people announce they are pregnant after their scan. I just want to scream ‘it doesn’t mean your baby will arrive healthy. I now know that it is not always the case, as we sadly discovered.

Our beautiful daughter Lara was born asleep on 9th June 2011 at 1.30 weighing 4lbs 7oz. Our world had come crashing down on 6th June as I started to worry about lack of movement. This had concerned me previously and I had been sent for a scan at 25 weeks and was reassured that all was well and I wasn’t feeling many movements due to my placenta being at the front. I called my midwife and was told to contact the hospital for a trace of the baby’s heartbeat. On the way to the hospital I said to my husband what if when we do this drive back home something has happened to our baby. My husband didn’t believe for one minute that we were about to hear the worst thing we would ever hear in our life.

At the hospital they connected me up to the monitor and they were struggling to hear a heartbeat: what we were hearing was mine. At this point, I knew that was it and the reality of something being wrong could be seen in David’s face. I was then taken to another room for a scan to confirm what we all knew and that is where we heard the most dreaded words, ‘I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby has died.’ I was then sent home for two days with our world shattered and would never be the same again.  We returned to hospital 2 days later where our perfect little girl was born.

Lara

The next few weeks and months are a blur. I could not believe what had happened and many thoughts ran through my head: What did I do wrong? Was it my fault? I must be a bad person. I just wanted to die and be with my baby. I was lucky to have a fantastic husband and supportive friends and family to help me through those dark days. I craved to find out more information about stillbirths and talk to someone who understood what I was going through and this is when I contacted Sands. I have made lifelong friends through Sands.

We had a 13 week wait for Post Mortem results which told us that there was no reason for Lara’s death. I find this very difficult. How can a perfectly healthy baby die for no reason? And with no reason, what could be done to prevent it from happening again?

On 1st of June 2012, our Rainbow Baby Eilidh was born. It had been an extremely difficult 8 months but at last she was here safely.  During my pregnancy I could not imagine giving birth to a healthy baby as I was convinced it would happen again. There was definitely no announcing our news to everyone after our 12 week scan.  We kept it to ourselves and close family until I was 5 months. This time there was no ante natal classes, pregnancy yoga or shopping for baby things.  I just couldn’t let myself believe everything would be ok. I had to prepare for it happening again.

The care I received this time was very different as I was monitored very closely with extra scans and heart traces. It was agreed that I could have a planned section as I didn’t feel I could cope emotionally with labour as I was worried it would be like reliving Lara’s birth so close to her first anniversary. I feel guilty that I could not allow myself to enjoy my pregnancy and do all the normal expected things. I don’t think it would matter how many times I was pregnant it would always be a very difficult time. I feel I have had the joy of pregnancy ripped away from me. I am thankful for the amazing 34 weeks I carried Lara.

Eilidh is in no way a replacement for Lara and I hate when people say ‘just think, you wouldn’t have Eilidh if that had not happened to Lara’ but I always wanted to have more than one child! Lara’s sister just arrived earlier than I would have thought. Eilidh has given us hope again and, for the first time in a year, I can look forward and see a positive future which Lara will always be a part of.

Eilidh

Tracy: How I Came to Hold You (Liam)

Following Ben's post about the forthcoming publication of 'How I Came to Hold You', we asked people in the loss community if they would be interested in sharing their stories of how they 'came to hold' their own rainbow babies. This is the first of these stories...

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I now find myself a member of a club, a club I don’t want to be part of and no-one else wants to join. Now that I’m a member, I can’t leave and very few people want to discuss this club with me. For my family and I have lost our son, or at least that’s what I hear people say. As if we lost him in the supermarket or shopping centre or forgot where we left him. If that was the case, we would simply go find him. We would travel to the end of the earth and never rest till he was found. However, we know he will not be found as, he’s not “lost”, we know exactly where he is.

In the early hours of Monday 17^th October 2011, our world came crashing down and was changed forever when our gorgeous Ethan died. He was a happy 7 month old who touched the hearts of so many with his beautiful big, blue eyes and heart melting smile.

He led a normal, happy, healthy life bringing joy to us all, but what no-one knew and what we couldn’t see was he was poorly on the inside. He had a very rare, undetectable heart tumour which, presented no symptoms. It just sat there like a ticking time bomb, growing and waiting for the day when it would destroy all our lives.

Our gorgeous Ethan, taken the day before he died

As I put him to bed that night I never imagined that it would be for the last time, I still wonder why it chose that day, that moment in time. There will always be questions Why? What if? If only?

The hours, days, weeks and months that followed consisted of getting through the day for the sake of our eldest child, she was our rock and our only reason for carrying on and getting out of bed in the morning. I found the best way to deal with my grief was to always have something to focus on, organising a charity night, planting a memorial garden etc. Then I had a new focus, I was pregnant with a “Rainbow Baby”.

Every pregnant woman has normal pregnancy worries but when you’ve a child who’s died this seams to magnify them and also bring a whole new set of worries. I didn’t enjoy this pregnancy and certainly didn’t plan or think about our future together. I had extra ultrasound scans, fetal heart scans, growth scans, hospital appointments but, still couldn’t accept that this baby would be healthy. After the first fetal heart scan I though I would feel the weight lifted from my shoulders when, the consultant said this baby had a normal, healthy heart but I didn’t. No matter how many people said this baby would be “fine” I still couldn’t believe it would be true.

One year exactly after we said our final goodbye to Ethan, I was sat in hospital waiting to be induced with our Rainbow baby boy. The next day we met our beautiful Liam.

I truly believe the only way to heal our hearts was to have another baby and would recommend this to any couple in the same situation. Its amazing how much joy, hope & healing a new baby brings.

On the other hand, it also brings all those emotions bubbling back to the surface and a whole load of new emotions. I look Liam and see Ethan, they have similar personalities and the same smile & expressions. When we are together as a family, it breaks my heart because Ethan should be here too.

The hardest thing of all, and I cannot get my head round this, is...

We would do anything to have Ethan back, but then we wouldn’t have had Liam. I would not be without Liam, but to have Liam we cannot have Ethan.

Ben: How I Came to Hold You

'How I Came to Hold You' is a book about becoming pregnant after the loss of a baby, whether it be through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. Describing the true stories of seventeen families,  it explores the challenges and emotions faced during a time which should be joyful, but for many parents - whose loss and grief is still so raw - becomes a time of anxiety, nervousness, and daring to hope.

But 'How I Came to Hold You' is about more than that, really. It's about bravery, courage, about how much the human spirit can endure when placed under the worst stress and grief imaginable. It looks at ways in which bereaved parents can find encouragement and comfort, and gives those who have not suffered a similar tragedy an insight into the mind of a grieving father or mother, so that they know how best to approach a friend or relative who has had their child taken away.

Most of all, 'How I Came to Hold You' is a book about love. It is about the imprint and impact that a baby has on a parent's life, regardless of how long they were held in their arms. It is a declaration of love to the baby lost, but also an explanation of the arrival of the baby who followed: this is the journey we endured, the grief we felt, the love we had, my child. This is how I came to hold you.

'How I Came to Hold You' will be published on 16th April 2013, and will be available from the Sands online shop or on Amazon. Every copy sold will raise vital funds for the charity Sands. You can read more about Ben and his journey in writing this book on the How I Came to Hold You website. You can read extracts from the book here, release a virtual balloon in memory of your little one and have a read through the blog.