Julz: A Mayflower's Rainbow

I began writing a journal not long after Melody was born, I wanted something for her and her brother and sisters to be able to read back, our journey as a family dealing with life in the NICU and life with a premature baby, a micro preemie.

I have always loved writing for fun and since Melody passed away I have focussed my new life in using my unclear head space for imagination.

I was confident that my journal was going to have a beautiful happy ending, the journal would come out at birthdays and special occasions, on meeting Melody’s first boyfriend, show him how tiny her little bottom was, to pooing every time daddy changed her nappy. A journal of happy, wonderful memories.

And it was for the beginning days.

“That sudden rush of love you’re supposed to get in the delivery room, suddenly hit and the realisation that I didn’t know just how long we would be able to keep her but I knew how much I loved her and I wanted to do everything I could to protect her.”

The days progressed into weeks, and I really enjoyed writing in my little book, even now looking back there are little things I can’t remember, but the book is there to help me remember, how old she was, how we felt.

Then out of nowhere, she left us.

The journal became my haven; I could write the pain the shock. Admittedly it took me a long time to go back to the day before and the day after, reading through it deems as painful as living it. Of course it is its Melody’s story.

I was going to stop after her funeral, then I came to realise the funeral was really only the beginning. So with encouragement, I carried on, discovering my rainbow pregnancy, the fears that come with a rainbow pregnancy, most certainly far away from a normal pregnancy, right to her birth.

Where I paused the journey.

The grief journey will never, ever end but I felt comfortable at ending it at this point.

I want to be able to share her story and to raise awareness on parts of pregnancy that is so rare, there just is not a lot of information on.

The title come from a birth board I was on when I was pregnant with Melody.

With thanks to blogs like Loss through the looking glass.

Thank you for reading.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julz book is available to buy on Amazon:

A Mayflower's Rainbow

Ben: How I Came to Hold You

'How I Came to Hold You' is a book about becoming pregnant after the loss of a baby, whether it be through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. Describing the true stories of seventeen families,  it explores the challenges and emotions faced during a time which should be joyful, but for many parents - whose loss and grief is still so raw - becomes a time of anxiety, nervousness, and daring to hope.

But 'How I Came to Hold You' is about more than that, really. It's about bravery, courage, about how much the human spirit can endure when placed under the worst stress and grief imaginable. It looks at ways in which bereaved parents can find encouragement and comfort, and gives those who have not suffered a similar tragedy an insight into the mind of a grieving father or mother, so that they know how best to approach a friend or relative who has had their child taken away.

Most of all, 'How I Came to Hold You' is a book about love. It is about the imprint and impact that a baby has on a parent's life, regardless of how long they were held in their arms. It is a declaration of love to the baby lost, but also an explanation of the arrival of the baby who followed: this is the journey we endured, the grief we felt, the love we had, my child. This is how I came to hold you.

'How I Came to Hold You' will be published on 16th April 2013, and will be available from the Sands online shop or on Amazon. Every copy sold will raise vital funds for the charity Sands. You can read more about Ben and his journey in writing this book on the How I Came to Hold You website. You can read extracts from the book here, release a virtual balloon in memory of your little one and have a read through the blog.