Lauren: Right Where I Am 2015: 4 years 8 months

I don't feel like I've moved on much since last year. I could copy and paste my entry and it still be relevant now. I suppose that is where I am. I don't know if I will ever feel any different. I'm in a place that although I still cry I don't do so often and afterwards I'm so good at hiding it that no one would ever know I'd cried. Then sometimes I feel guilty for this. Like I'm wiping away her memory with my tears. It's not ok that she has gone but I'm ok. Bereaved but not broken.

I wish I knew how to move forward as it is a strange and somewhat (looking for the right word, bitter? no) begrudging and resentful acceptance I feel. Maybe next year will be different but I doubt it. Maybe how I feel it the end of the rollercoaster of emotions and I'll feel like this the rest of my life? The life of a loss mum is not one anyone wants or is even willing to think about in their happy world but I live it. Sometimes with a heavy heart or sometimes with happy memories depending on my mood.

I've come a long way since those early days. Life moves on,  the world keeps turning but a part of me longs to go back. As time goes on I feel like I'm leaving her behind. My baby died. But I've come so far that it surprises me. 4 years and 8 months feels like lifetime. I can't remember the early days of loss. Like I was a robot, the lights off and wandering through shadows. My brain adjusting to the pain.

Occasionally I have moments of 'what if ......?' But I try not to. My rainbow was born 5 days before my angels first birthday and I find it hard to wish for her back knowing that had she lived I wouldn't have my boy now 3. I wouldn't swap, I couldn't choose between them. My youngest boy, nearly 2, still looks like her. I want them all.

We've decided to try again next year and the thought of a little brother or sister joining her is putting me off ordering her headstone as I'd want them buried together. I'm not superstitious or usually so pessimistic but I can't shake the feel of dread. I've lost the naivety.

I hope some of that ramble made sense. I'm sorry for all your losses.

Hugs,

Lauren x

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You can read Lauren's previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2014: 3 years 8 months