Karen: Right Where I Am 2015: 4 years 3 months and more

Have been meaning to do this since I was first introduced to this blog.

Not having a good day today, so thought it would be a good idea to get it all down & "self counsel" myself.

So where I am today? June 1st 2015.

I am 4 years 3 months from Angel one, my wee boy Dinky.

I am 2 years 3 months from Angel two.

I am 1 year 4 months from my second known wee boy Angel three.

I am 7 months from Angel four and a few weeks away from what was my due date.

I think that is why I am feeling particularly 'blah' today.

It is now June, the month I should be excitedly preparing for my fourth rainbow pregnancy to end and to finally meet my rainbow baby. I say ‘finally’ because my trying to conceive journey for baby number two began in September 2010.

I am fed up. Fed up of all these months of just wanting my husband for his sperm. Fed up of two week waits and then the tantalising 'am I?' when Aunt Flo decides to torment me & come a few hours or days later than expected. I am fed up of getting that exciting BFP and the subsequent nervous breakdowns I feel wondering if it will continue. I am fed up of seeing my wee bean wriggling on the ultrasound screen only for it to be snatched away from me within weeks. I am fed up looking at countless announcements on Facebook of people I know & of celebrity pregnancies, and I am fed up by passing three due dates and nearing due date number four with no baby to show & no pregnancy underway. Anyone get the impression that I am 'fed up’?

I have been diagnosed as having an under active thyroid with antibodies in January and I am on treatment now for this. My body more than likely had been attacking my wee babies and this is horrible. I am totally to blame. Nobody else. I am piling on the weight which is probably a lot down to the fact my thyroid is screwed, but also because I am eating as I am sad. I need to get a grip. If I was pregnant I would be putting myself & my baby at risk of all sorts being so overweight.

I know how lucky I am to have my gorgeous daughter who is six. I hear all the time how I should appreciate how lucky I am. I DO!!! I would actually be lost without her. I hear should we not just give up & accept what we have.  My daughter has kept me from spiralling into despair, but it does not take away the need I have to extend my family. I am not ready to give up. I do not want to let this beat me. I have spent money getting a uterine biopsy to check I do not have high uterine killer cells and, as far as I know, the only issue I am dealing with now is my thyroid which is under control. The main problem now is getting my husband and I in the same place at the right time.

When is enough enough though??

I am not ready to give up! Should I? Should I accept I am only meant to be a mummy to one & four angels? I don't think so, but can I go through more heartache? Is my head going to be able to deal with another loss? I'm getting older now. Am I too old at 36? Physically I know it's possible. I am a midwife, I see it every day, but will it be possible for me?

So while this is a 'fed up' post & I am sorry for bringing anyone down, I feel I need to continue. I think I will know when enough is enough. I am hoping that I won't get to that stage though. Is my rainbow take home baby out there for me? I hope so. I need to believe it.

(written 1st June 2015)