Everyone thinks I'm doing well and being brave. They tell me I'm an inspiration, that I'm strong and how well I've handled all of this.
I think it's because my heart is so broken that I want to hide it away from everyone else and pretend I'm going to be ok.
But I'm not.
My arms ache for you so much. You may of been born sleeping at 21 weeks, but I can feel that you are missing from my life, my beautiful daughter Gabrielle.
Through the day, out of nowhere, it will suddenly feel like a hole has been punched through my chest and like my throat is closing up. I just want to fall to my knees and beg with the sky to give you back to me and to see you open your eyes.
Just to hold you again.
I've even thought about just walking for hours and hours like I might somehow find you. Or climbing hills so maybe I'm closer to you.
I know you're there watching over us, but right now that isn't enough for me and it doesn't stop my deep longing to have you in my arms.
I watch your big brother Logan playing and I feel so sad that you'll never meet him. That my body let us down.
I'm a mix of so many emotions and thoughts, but I have to lock them all away for the day as best as I can. If I cry Logan cries. So I have to hide everything until all those feelings creep up on me once I'm in bed at night.
I wish I could come and be with you, even just for a few minutes. I think you took a part of my heart with you the day you left me.
I know I'll learn to live broken hearted, Logan will keep my heart warm, but it will always be broken. But one day when I'm old and its my time, I'll finally be whole again when we are together.
Until then, I will do my best to be what everyone thinks I am; strong, brave. And I will carry on even when my heart is so broken and heavy, just for you.
xxx
(written 29th June 2015)
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