Lindsay: Baby Loss Awareness Week

Before I lost my first baby I didn't understand what real grief, real loss felt like. I could only imagine what it might feel like to lose a much longed for child.

I worried each day through my first pregnancy that something would go wrong. I was one of four friends who were pregnant at the same time, due a few weeks apart, one was even due on the same day as I. I had heard the statistic 1/4 and this played on my mind every day.

As the days ticked by I started to look forward and although the worry never left I started to get excited.

At 17+6 weeks I gave birth to my son.

Nothing could have prepared me for that experience. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional pain that lingered far longer than any of the physical pain. The emotional pain is much duller now, but it'll never fully go away and I'm ok with that.

After we lost our son friends and family didn't know what to say, but they tried. 'Everything happens for a reason.' 'At least you got pregnant quickly.' 'You can have another.' 'At least...' 'At least...' I quickly came to understand that there is no 'at least' when it comes to the loss of a baby. The deep feelings you experience can't be fixed or summed up in a few words.

I cringe thinking about it now, but I clearly remember saying the usual cliches to one of my friends, some years before, after she suffered a miscarriage. I didn't know any better. I had no frame of reference. I knew these things happened, but it's not something that I'd had the chance to openly discuss. I had no knowledge. I was unaware of what she was going through and how she was feeling.

When I lost my son I didn't know there was a Baby Loss Awareness week. I had no clue what the pink and blue ribbon signified and had never heard of the Wave of Light.

In the weeks following my loss I joined various online support groups and my understanding of how baby loss affects people grew. It grew beyond my own experience. There were people out there who were talking about their babies, just as I longed to do with anyone who wished to listen. There were many different reasons and the stages of the losses ranged from a few weeks to neonatal deaths, but regardless of the circumstances each baby mattered. It was truly terrifying to realise all the things that could go wrong, but having access to those who understood, who were walking the same path, helped me immensely.

Through these groups I learned first about the 'Wave of Light' and then how this marked the end of Baby Loss Awareness week. If I only found out about this week after experiencing my own loss, then others could be forgiven for not knowing about it. Being open about my experience was important to me and I wanted to help raise awareness.

Over the past 4 years raising awareness has become increasingly important to me. You see, just over a year after losing my son I had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. Eight months after that I lost my first daughter at 21+4 weeks, seven months later a second daughter at 13 weeks (we had to end my pregnancy with her due to a fatal fetal anomaly) and after a further seven months another early miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Five babies lost in less than three years. Each loss unrelated and unexpected.

It's important for me to keep the memory of my babies alive. It's important for me that my friends and family remember them. I share how I feel, I blog to express the jumble of emotions I tackle on a daily basis. I raise money in my babies' names for Baby Loss charities so others can access the much needed support I received and also to raise awareness.

This, for me, is still a work in progress. Baby loss is still a taboo subject, but when it affects so many of us, so many of our friends, family, colleagues etc. why is this still the case?

It's a subject which makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I have friends who have silently gone through miscarriages and don't feel comfortable openly talking about their own experience. I know my openness about my babies can make others feel uncomfortable, but with increased understanding this will hopefully change.

That is why having a week designated to raise Baby Loss Awareness is so vitally important. It's affects so many it's something we should all eventually feel comfortable talking about.

By talking about my babies, my experiences, my grief, I was able to keep going.

Last night I was fortunate enough to tuck my 6 month old daughter into bed. That is something I thought would only ever be a dream. Even on my better, more hopeful days, I could hardly imagine it.

Having one of my daughters with me changes nothing and everything all at the same time. It doesn't mean I will forget my other five babies, they cannot be replaced. It doesn't mean I will stop blogging about baby loss, sharing quotes and posts from Baby Loss charities. Having her here makes me even more determined to 'break the silence', to remember her big brother and sisters and to increase awareness amongst my friends and family. It is slow progress, but as always I'm hopeful.

This Baby Loss Awareness week I am blogging about my babies and encouraging my friends and family to join me in the Wave of Light at 7pm on Sunday evening. I hope they will share photos of their candles so awareness of baby loss can spread.

Lynne: Baby Loss Awareness Week

After losing Findlay in July 2013 I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my whole life. How could I possibly live again. At first people were understanding and happy to listen to me talk about my much loved, much wanted, forever missed, son. The son I longed to see, to hold, to cuddle, to kiss, just one more time. The son I would have taken my last breath for just to see him take his first.

I am blessed to be surrounded by supportive family and close friends who continue to remember Findlay and understand how important it is to recognise his existence and acknowledge that he is part of our family forever.

Some have been less understanding. Some have suggested I should move on, others have suggested I should distance myself from the friendships and support networks I've been so lucky to build up with other bereaved parents as they felt it was unhealthy that I kept talking about Findlay. That I was living in the past.

I don't know one single parent that would be prepared to not talk about their child, share their memories, say their name. Why should that be different for children lost during pregnancy, shortly after birth or later in life? We do not have the privilege of making endless memories with our babies, have the pleasure of celebrating their milestones or watching them grow. Death, and the grief that follows, is part of their lives, part of their parents lives. The part that leaves a void in the parents hearts forever more.

It may not be the easiest topic to talk about but to do so could mean the world to that baby's parents.  The parents who have to live every single day of their lives hiding their broken heart. Baby loss awareness week is such an important event in the calendar. It helps parents feel empowered to talk about their babies, share their experiences, be reminded they are not alone. Please if you know someone who has lost a child let them know you remember and you care. Join us in the wave of light by lighting a candle at 7pm on 15 October. A little understanding goes a long way.

Findlay

Every day I wish

That things were different

That you hadn't had such a cruel start

That you weren't so ill that you wouldn't survive

Every day I wish

I could hold you in my arms just one more time

To kiss your perfect little cheeks and lips

And to look at your little button nose for hours on end

Every day I wish

I was able to watch you grow

Have memories of all your firsts

See you smile, crawl, walk, hear you giggle, laugh and talk

Every day I wish

I could hear you call my name

That I could be there for you

To wipe your tears and hold you tight

Every day I wish

I could tuck you in at night

Read you a story

Kiss you goodnight

Every day I wish

You were here with me

Playing with your little brother

Going to nursery, watching you grow

Every day I wish

The pain would go away

The ache in my heart

The void in my life

Despite all of that

Every day I am thankful

That you are my son

My precious first born

You made me a mummy

Every day I am thankful

For all that you have taught me

For all that you continue to teach me

Thankful for you

Miss you Findlay. Love you to the moon and back forever and ever xxx

Stacey: Baby Loss Awareness Week

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. 1 in every 4 women will be directly affected by the death of a baby during their lifetime. Baby loss does not discriminate, sadly, it can happen to anyone at any time. It is time to start talking about our children because they deserve to be remembered.

Almost 5 years ago my first daughter died and baby loss wasn’t something I knew much about, I didn’t know anyone who had lost a baby, or so I thought. Turns out so many women and men have lost children, babies and pregnancies but we just don’t talk about it. After my daughter died it was like an open floodgate of friends and family telling me they knew what I was going through because they had experienced something similar. They, of course, didn’t know what I was going through as each person’s loss and grief is unique to them but sometimes it is helpful to not be alone in grief. To simply feel less isolated and to break the silence surrounding the taboo of baby loss.

That is what this week is all about, breaking the deafening silence that masks the horror of losing a child, reducing the feelings of isolation and, most importantly, celebrating our babies lives however short they were.

This week there are many local and national events but one I would invite everyone to join in on is The Wave Of Light. On Sunday 15^th at 7pm wherever you are in the world you light a candle which burns for an hour creating a global wave of light lasting 24 hours. Whether you have lost a baby or are simply supporting someone you know who has this is a beautiful way to break the silence and show the world that our babies have left their mark and will not be forgotten.

Lynsey: Baby Loss Awareness Week

Baby Loss Awareness Week is a opportunity I feel for people to come together to share stories and stand together, united as one to help raise awareness of baby loss.

For the last few years I have taken part in a project called Capture your Grief which lasts the full month of October. I use this as a way to help raise awareness, bring support to others and it brings some healing in my grief journey as well.  Below is a piece of writing I wrote for day 4 of the project.

Belonging

When I lost Lilly I felt it difficult to connect with people and it’s a very lonely feeling that you don’t really belong. Part of it I think was I put on a brave face and people couldn’t see I had changed. On the outside I looked the same but on the inside I was different.

Losing a child changes you and it takes time for you and others to accept that. You’re not the person you were before. I believe for the better. Part of that is I feel that when you go through an experience of losing a child little things don’t matter, people who can’t accept you don’t matter and you naturally surround yourself with people who do matter and accept you for who you are.

This is a community nobody wants to be part of but I am so grateful to be part of this community not only on the event page but my local group Sands Lothians and world wide.

Sands Lothians was my lifeline, finally I could connect.

Connect with new people you share precious memories with and even grieve with them.

I am so grateful to the people I have met and still meet on this journey. So many inspirational people who are always there and understand.

You form friendships and share a special bond that will last a lifetime.

It’s through our loss that binds us.