Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: The Start

This is the first in a series of posts that Stacey is writing about her rainbow pregnancy. Thank you Stacey for choosing to share your journey on Loss Through the Looking Glass. We think lots of bereaved parents who are trying to conceive again and going through a rainbow pregnancy will identify with many of the thoughts and issues you are writing about.

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Before Conception

Our first child Maisie was born at 21+2 on 26th March 2013 at 5.55am. She lived for half an hour. The next 11 months of trying to conceive another baby were some of the hardest, saddest, most depressing days of our lives. There was little love, desire or passion. It was all pure baby making sex with military style organisation. Every time I got my period it was another month that I had to pick myself up and prepare to try again. We had 2 very early miscarriages along the way and it began to feel like we would never get pregnant. I saw other angel parents getting pregnant, getting further along, getting past their hurdle and bringing their rainbow baby home. I even had to go to my SANDS meetings and see a lady who lost on the exact same day as me get pregnant and have her rainbow before we had even passed the first anniversary. It hurt like hell, not only did I have the constant reminder that other people’s lives went on I now had a reminder that angel parents lives go on as well. I don’t say this to upset anyone. I say it because it’s honest; it is how I feel. I think many other angel parents who struggle to conceive after loss feel this way as well and are scared to say it for fear of being judged. They have another element of loss to deal with something that makes them so angry but they dare not say.

Big Fat Positive (BFP) Day

Finally after 11 long months on Monday 10th February 2014 I saw a tiny second line on a pregnancy test. I panicked; was it really there? It was so early my period wasn’t due for another 4 days. I took another, no second line, my heart sank. I had just imagined it. Or had I? I sent my husband out before work for some more tests and took a First Response Test (FRER). It was there, the second line, it was so faint but it was definitely there! This started my obsessive compulsion to take a pregnancy test every time I went to the toilet (I’m not joking!). The lines started to get darker over the next 3 days, it was starting to look good. My miscarriages had never got darker they had started out fairly dark and just got lighter and lighter. On Wednesday 12th February it was confirmed with a darker line on a FRER. For now at least I am pregnant.

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To read Stacey’s next post, please click on the link below:

Stacey: A Rainbow Pregnancy: Weeks 4 to 8

Stacey: Trying Again

Now we are approaching 8 months since Maisie died I am frequently getting more and more questions and comments about trying again. "Any exciting news? When are you going to try again? Are you ready for another baby yet?" I hope that this blog enlightens you all as to how complex and challenging trying again really is.

Trying again. Another baby. The next pregnancy. Your rainbow.

Such short sentences but they hold so much emotion: fear, anxiety, desperation, excitement and hope are just some of these. It is nearly 8 months since my first and only child Maisie was born and died. 8 months of should we try, shouldn’t we try, am I ovulating, where’s my period. It is exhausting but trying this time, it is different to the first time. I want to share with you how I have found the last 8 months and my feelings on trying again.

After Maisie was born I was desperate for another baby. I asked my husband how soon we could try again, he wanted to wait a few months and I was devastated.  I needed one it was a primal thing a desire deep inside me. But what I now recognise I wanted, was to replace Maisie because I didn’t want to be 4, 8, 12 weeks pregnant I wanted to be 21 weeks and I wanted it now. It was like I had pressed pause on my pregnancy with her and I wanted to be able to catch back up and press the play button.

The last 8 months have been hard physically, mentally and emotionally. I have only had 4 cycles. I have lasting physical effects from giving birth prematurely including new intense ovulation pains, long cycles of up to 3 months and incredible, excruciating periods. These are just some of the physical things for me to consider when it comes to trying again. The physical is the easy part. The emotional side is the stumbling block.

Fear and Anxiety

When you lose a baby your next pregnancy's path is already laid down before you, the story is already written, it will go wrong. You cannot imagine or envision it possibly going right and being able to come home from the hospital with a live, healthy baby. For me, with Maisie being my first child, I don’t know any different. I get pregnant, my baby dies. So why would I want to go through that again? Why would I want to give birth to my baby for them to die again? Why would I want another grave?

Trying again is not always about being ready for another baby.

Desperation

This is something I only felt at the beginning. Over time I have had this replaced with a peace and acceptance that, when the time is right, we will try again and it will happen. It may take many years for us to both be ready and to fall pregnant but I know that one day it will happen again.

Excitement and Hope

These are the emotions I struggle with. I have not felt these at all. I often compare trying again to a set of scales. On one side you have fear and on the other you have hope. When hope outweighs the fear I know I will be ready.

These emotions are all very complex and deep. I feel that I can only give a slight glimpse into what I go through each day in trying to decide when the right time is to try again.

So next time you see me don’t ask me about trying again. Don’t tell me you're ready for me to have another baby because it’s not about you. I am not ready. Talk to me about the baby I already have. Don’t brush her under the carpet and ignore her. One day I will tell you that we are having another baby but it will be just that: another baby, a different baby, not the same one, not the same pregnancy and not the same experience. Next time I will be different for I am changed, maybe next time I won’t tell you for months, maybe I won’t tell you until (IF!) the baby arrives alive and healthy, maybe I will pull you closer and lean on you more. Who knows? Not me. All I know is you have to let me do this in my own time. 

Trying again is part of the grieving process and this cannot be rushed. Don’t push me, support me.