Courteney: My Story

I'm Courteney and today I am telling my story.

In August 2013 I decided I was ready for a baby. In October I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed, excited and happy. I started to think about names and looking at what I could buy my baby. It didn't even cross my mind what was to happen next. It was the following month and it was time for my first scan. I went into the room and got ready. It took about five minutes and then I was sent into another room to speak to another midwife, she told me maybe I got the dates slightly wrong, she said that happens all the time.

I remember her telling me to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

She booked me in for a week later for another scan. The next week came and I went for my second scan... my baby wasn't growing, there was no change from last week. I was sent into a waiting room and I was left there for what felt like forever. Finally a nurse came and I followed into her room, she explained everything to me and told me what would happen, she told me there was several things I could do.

I was blank. I was then simply sent home, I was going to have my baby naturally as the other two options just weren't right for me. It was now December, Christmas was going to be here soon... one night this excruciating pain just came over me and I couldn't move. I was rushed to hospital. I had no idea what was going on, the nurse I seen at the end told me there wouldn't be much pain so I was terrified. I was having my baby.

The rest was such a blur as I was given morphine for the pain. I was in the hospital for about 7 hours. Before I left the hospital a nurse came to talk to me and all she had to say to me was that I could now get on with my life and I was still young. I was shocked and heartbroken. I was in a small room by myself and I came across these two very small baby hats in a cupboard next to me and I kept one and took it home with me, I don't know why but I did and it kind of helped looking at it and holding it because I didn't have my baby to hold.

I am so happy to have shared my story, I hope many other women can do the same. I want to break the silence on this taboo there is with pregnancy loss. I want to change this and I hope in the future no one will have to feel ashamed, guilty or anything like that, it is something we should be able to talk about. Thank you for letting me share my story.

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Courteney currently has a petition running asking parliament to recognise October 15th as an official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can sign the petition here:

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/105303

Clara: Wave of Light 2012

As part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, October 15th saw an international Wave of Light around the globe in memory of all the little ones gone too soon from our lives. People were asked to light candles at 7pm and leave them burning for one hour in the hope that, as different timezones hit the 7pm mark, a continuous wave of light would move around the world. This also coincided with CarlyMarie's 'Capture Your Grief' photography project where Day 15's subject was this event.

We took part in this event last year in memory of Molly and had a lovely night with our family, lighting candles and trying (but spectacularly failing) to set off a lantern.

Wave of Light 2012 has completely blew me away. Hundreds of people advertised the event on social networking sites and the response was fantastic.

This year we remembered both Molly and Grace and also two little stars we never got to meet. I change my profile picture and cover photo on Facebook. The amount of family and friends who also shared these pictures and used them as their own profile/cover photos for the event was overwhelming. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful support network who continue to keep the memory of our girls alive.

We bought personalised Wave of Light candle holders from The Memory Tree and lit these out in the garden at my parents' house along with a numerous collection of tea-lights spelling out the girls' names (thankfully the wind all but disappeared and we managed to get them all lit for photos). My dad and niece also made homemade butterflies which had a candle attached to the back.

This year we also managed to successfully release some lanterns. One of the lanterns did not just have Molly and Grace's names on but the names of lots of other little ones gone too soon. I felt so sad writing all these names - far too many, and yet only a tiny tiny number of them. These names included those of my Aunt who was stillborn at 40 weeks over 50 years ago and children and babies of friends new and old.

As we released the lantern, shooting stars appeared in the sky. A wee sign perhaps? I like to think so.

Later on that night, we returned home and I logged onto Facebook. I was faced with over 100 notifications! So many of our friends and family had lit candles for the girls and posted these pictures for us to see. The girls were also remembered by lots of other mummies who were lighting candles in honour of their own children.

The response to Wave of Light this year has been amazing and overwhelming and I am grateful to everyone who took the time to think of our girls.

I have shared many of our photos in this post and I would now like to share some more from some of the girls I have met on this journey…

In memory of Melody Caitlyn and her friends:

In memory of Ayla Tia Baker:

Dedicated to Ayla Hope Reading:

In memory of Emily Smith born sleeping 14/2/11 and Beth Smith born sleeping 5/9/11 and remembering all our angels:

In memory of Ruaridh:

In memory of Holly:

In memory of Max Charles:

In memory of Olivia Louise Million,
Mummy & Daddy miss you so much princess,
What we would give for just one more kiss and cuddle,
Love you always & forever xxxxxx

In memory of our lovely little Laura, 20/04/2012-22/04/2012:

If anyone else would like to submit their photos for inclusion in this post, please email them to lossthroughthelookingglass@gmail.com and I will update the post to include them.

Helen: Missing

Driving this morning to my best friends house, a voice on the radio spoke of October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I did not know. How lucky I had the radio on. It stopped me in my tracks, as these things will always do - and for a short time shook again the settled peace of mind and positive demeanour of a normal day. She spoke of lighting a candle - at 7pm - to place in your window as a gesture of love and remembrance, for lost babes the world over. I will certainly do so. Five candles - and a time of our lives which became a recurring nightmare and hopeless situation for all involved.

My story is one of many, thousands, millions the globe around. A form of loss so cruel and commonplace, yet so taboo - even in today's open and liberal world - that there is no conventional way to grieve. Loss is a terrible thing, whenever it occurs - but the loss of a child, who we will never know, is the loss of a hope and a future. It is devastating in the cruelest possible way. My story has a happy end. I have a healthy boy and girl and I am luckier than many. But I know what loss is.

There are children who will not join me on the beach, who will not hear bedtime stories and who will never go to school. I love them none the less. A votive in my friends house bears the inscription, "Hope is eternal - all the darkness in the world can never extinguish the light of one small candle". If this story is your own, then October 15th will mean something special to you. Never lose hope of a happy end for it was precisely on the point of giving up that our luck changed. We have a son and a daughter who are strong, who are growing up.

Life moves on. But I will not forget. And neither will the rest. In your thousands - I extend my hand to you. Because you are not alone. Your neighbour, your friend or the woman on the street, knows a little of your pain. She knows loss of her own, and today I light a candle for you all - heartbroken families, missing babes and the healthy, living children you are yet to love and enjoy... x

You can read more about Helen via her blog All At Sea