Claire: Right Where I Am 2014: 2 years 2 months 3 weeks

It's been 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks since we lost Laura. My life has changed immeasurably. As I wrote my entry last year I knew I was pregnant again but daren't mention it as I felt that something bad would happen yet again. Losing a baby does that to you... it makes you feel very vulnerable, like anything could happen. But the same is true for good things, and as I write this I'm nursing one of my 6 month old twin boys. The one that reminds me so much of his two big sisters (one here, one not).

Becoming a parent again has obviously shifted my focus. With twins I'm lucky to brush my hair on a daily basis let alone do much else, but one thing I always have time for in my thoughts is Laura.

I think of her often. Every day in fact, throughout the day. When I feed my boys I watch them and feel such sadness for her. She didn't have a chance to be tickled by us, be smothered in kisses, be smiled at and cuddled, but she is adored. I'm determined to tell my boys about their other big sister.

My older daughter (as I knew she would) is the best big sister to the boys. She dotes on them. We often talk about Laura and how it would be nice if she were here too running around and playing with the babies but the reality is that if she hadn't died, these two would most probably not be here. That's hard to reconcile in my mind. I hate the thought of being without them, I love them so dearly, but I also would love to have my girl here.

After all the heartache of the past four years (losing my Mum, my Father in Law, aunts, Mother in Law & my Dad's descent into Alzheimer's as well as losing Laura) I know I'm lucky to be here. I'm lucky to have my husband & a strong marriage, to have my older daughter & most of all to have these twin boys.

It was a difficult pregnancy that so very nearly ended badly at the last hurdle so I feel truly blessed to have them. I just miss Laura though. As much as anyone thinks or hopes that I will 'move on' from grieving her, I know I won't and nor would I want to. I don't ever want to forget her or stop talking about her. She was far too precious.

When you have a rainbow baby, people are relieved for you. Some even think that it fixes the pain of grief. I could see it in peoples faces when they saw I was pregnant. These babies are not Laura's 'replacements' though. No baby will ever take her place.

2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks ago my heart was smashed apart, now it's covered in scars but beating again.

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You can read Claire’s post from 2013 here:

Right Where I Am 2013: 1 years 2 months 2 weeks 2 days