Emma: Right Where I Am 2013: 1 month

At our 38 week regular check up, Oscar’s heartbeat couldn’t be found. I gave birth to Oscar two days later. My pregnancy had been completely normal and I had never in a million years imagined that my baby would be born asleep.

The month since Oscar was born has been spent arranging his funeral which took place three days ago. We decided to have a post mortem which takes three weeks/ For my husband, it felt like a long time before he could lay our son to rest but, for me, the time seemed right. I dreaded the thought of Oscar’s funeral even though we had promised Oscar to give him the best funeral ever, I just didn’t see how I would cope.

Oscar’s funeral, although extremely difficult, gave us the opportunity to give Oscar a resting place but for me it also made me feel like I had really had a baby. Although family and friends all knew of Oscar it was only by holding his funeral that I felt his birth was truly recognised and I could really be his mother.

The day after Oscar’s funeral I felt so much relief and peace that we had done him as much justice as possible in his funeral but by 10pm that night my thinking had changed. Yesterday was one of the hardest days so far because the feeling of emptiness just seems to be growing. What am I supposed to do now? Who and what is supposed to fill my time, my energy, and my love? I want to completely throw myself into something but yet my head is so scrambled that I can barely watch a tv programme.

So one month on and we’ve done the major hurdles, but the pain seems to get stronger as I realise I will never be able to hold my Oscar again.  I feel that I am waiting for someone to tell me some wisdom that will take the pain away but my head knows that won’t happen, I have to learn to survive.