Claire: Right Where I Am 2013: 1 year 2 months 2 weeks 2 days

The world has moved on a quite a pace since we lost Laura. I’ve grown a lot, as has my older daughter Georgia, who in 2 months time will be a teenager. A year ago I feared that the heartache we suffered as a family when we lost Laura would mould her and shape her, but a year on I accept that it has already done this but in a positive way. As a family, we are closer than ever, stronger than ever. The tragedies Georgia has witnessed in the last few years are shaping her into the most wonderful human being (kind, considerate, loving and thoughtful).

Laura touched the lives of family and friends in her short time with us. Yet, no matter what anyone says, nobody will love her as much as I do. From the moment I knew she was inside me, I willed her to be healthy and strong, to arrive safely. Now I know that as much as I want things to happen, that’s not always possible. What I would give, to have the time over again, to hold and kiss her more than I did in the precious few hours we shared. I guess I’m beginning to accept that I can’t control this crazy universe. No matter how much bargaining I do, it won’t bring her back. No matter how much guilt I load on myself, it won’t change what happened. I’m coming to terms with being the mum of a dead baby.

Each and every day, as accepting as I’ve had to become, I mourn for Laura. I miss that I wasn’t able to care for her. I am so aware of what developmental stage she should be at, and also aware that she may not have even reached it if she had lived because of her birth problem. Every night, when I sneak a kiss from Georgia on my way to bed, I think of Laura and whisper a goodnight, I love you to her too. I mourn that Georgia could not be the wonderful big sister I know she would be.

The mum of a lost baby - it’s not a club I wanted to join, but I’m here nevertheless. In some strange, twisted way, it actually has perks. I am thankful for the friendship of the other Mums I have met that are in the same club as me. They always know what to say, they never judge and only offer support. I savour every moment I spend with Georgia. I hear the news of every safe delivery of a baby with such relief. I see the smiles of the parents of newborns and will them to realise how lucky they actually are. 8 months after losing Laura we were delighted to become pregnant again, but this happiness was short-lived as I miscarried at 8 weeks. Had that baby survived, I would be 35 weeks pregnant at the moment, but life isn’t always simple and clear cut. I know how fragile life can be. I am grateful that I was given the privilege of becoming a mother to two beautiful girls, although in the bottom of my heart, I wish that things could have been different. That I could have been talking about my two girls and seeing them both flourish and grow. I’ll never forget my lovely little Laura ❤