Emma: Right Where I Am 2018: 5 years 2 months

The first time I wrote a 'right where I am' was just 1 month after we had Oscar. In some ways it feels like no time has passed but in others it feels oh so far away.  The death of Oscar has changed my world and my soul more than I can describe. I'm not that same person I was back when I was happily expecting Oscar, but I don't think who I am is a bad thing.

Since losing Oscar I very quickly got involved with our local branch of Sands. I couldn't dream of returning to my job in mental health but I needed my time to be filled. Then in January 2016 I became chair of that local group, a somewhat unwanted change but one I put my whole heart into. Then, just hours from it being 5 years since we discovered Oscar had died, I got a call that I'd been offered the job I'd wanted within the charity Sands. Just moments before that call I was sobbing on a train, wondering why on earth I hadn't remembered to take this day as leave. Then the call came that signalled to me Oscar was looking out for me.

I've always been on the spiritual side and losing Oscar didn't really strengthen or weaken this. Late last year I went to a show of a medium I had been to before who is just amazing. I have seen many mediums who have given people such weak random messages but this lady is undeniable. Strangely enough on the way there that evening I'd given a little request to the sky and wanted my Nana to come through if possible. The lady came onto the stage and within seconds said she had a baby with her who was born sleeping and his name is Oscar. The gasp of my friend next to me led her to me and she continued to described his garden (grave) and the differences of him and his sister. He made a request for a tractor toy and told me he loved me. And then she was done, I had to sit for another 90 minutes listening to others messages when all I wanted to do was sit and digest the messages from my boy.

That night on my drive home something shifted inside of me. I realised for the first time I'd been able to hear from my son, what he wanted and how he felt and that was incredible. Since that night something is different, my relationship with my son feels strengthened and I can cry less for him.

So I realise that this 'right where I am' has been rambling but the message I guess I want to pass on is that 5 years later I still miss and love my son dearly but I'm ok. I've been led onto a different path and now work for a charity that is making things better for babies and families. I'm ok.

~~~~~

You can read Emma’s previous post here:

Right Where I Am 2013: 1 month

Clara: Right Where I Am 2018: 7 years 3 months 3 days followed by 6 years 2 months 13 days

Every year I wonder whether to even write this. And every year I do, although I wonder where to start and I struggle to find the words.

We are more than 7 years into this 'loss journey' now. I can't believe that amount of time has gone past. In the space of just 2 and a half years, we lost 5 babies - 3 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, our precious girls Molly and Grace. Some days it feels like just yesterday that I held my girls for the first and last times. Those precious hours with them are so clear in my mind. It makes me smile as much as it makes me hurt.

The grief is still there. I don't think it every really goes away. But it changes all the time. It's both happy and sad. Days when it is raw, days when it just hovers on the edge, days when it's a little sign or a little reminder. It colours everything.

The grief will never go I don't think. How could it? How could anyone ever 'get over' the loss of a child? But life comes back in around it and time makes it easier to carry. Happiness comes back. Joy comes back. Life goes on. I remember talking to my gran after Molly died about her little girl who was stillborn in the late sixties. She was still grieving for that little baby. She was never allowed to see her or hold her or name her or bury her or talk about her. Although name her she did - baby Angela. I felt lucky that I had been able to hold my girls, cuddle them, dress them, name them, bury them. Molly's death gave us the impetus as a family to find out exactly where Angela had been buried by the hospital and we did. And 46 years after she was born, my grandparents were finally able to have her name added to the registry of stillbirths (at the time, stillbirths at full term - beyond 36 weeks - had to be registered, although they were rarely given names as it wasn't encouraged). They were also able to lay a stone at her grave. I know that brought my gran great comfort.

But back to me and my own personal journey...

I continue my involvement with Sands Lothians (albeit mostly behind the scenes dealing with their Twitter account), trying to give a little back in thanks to the lifeline they threw to me in those early years. I continue to dip in and out of online forums, trying to help and support others dealing with similar types of loss. I continue to research MPFD and passing on that research to all who contact me - it makes me so happy to know that others have gone on to carry healthy babies despite this awful condition.

My main battle over the past couple of years, however, has been living with the guilt that Cara will most likely never have a living sibling. And I am at the point where I have accepted this and it's okay. I used to find the 'is she an only one' and 'plans for more' questions really difficult, particularly when I didn't get a good response to telling people she will be an only child. Sometimes I explain why, sometimes I don't. Depends on the person and the moment. What I always make clear though is that she is such a blessing and a little miracle.

She is a happy and funny 4 year old who finds absolute joy in everything. She occasionally mentions Molly and Grace in conversation but she doesn't fully understand. And how could she? How do you process that at 4 years old? I don't want her to know that babies die. She has the usual childhood questions about death, particularly around her great-grandparents. We tell her people go to Heaven when they are very old as their bodies don't work any more. She has accepted this to a point. She will say that Molly and Grace are in Heaven. She knows that she couldn't grow in my tummy because 'it didn't work properly' and that is why her big sisters are not here with us. But I dread her asking me why did this happen if they weren't old but so far she hasn't asked that question. Yet.

(Cara checking out names written in the sand by big cousin Maia - Calgary Bay, Isle of Mull)

Ultimately though, we are surviving. We are living. We are happy. We have been lucky to have held and kissed all 3 of our girls and totally blessed to be able to kiss our youngest goodnight at every bedtime.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can read my previous Right Where I Am posts by clicking on the links below:

Right Where I Am 2017: 6 years 4 months 3 days followed by 5 years 3 months 13 days
Right Where I Am 2016: 5 years 4 months 3 days followed by 4 years 3 months 13 days
Right Where I Am 2015: 4 years 3 months 1 day followed by 3 years 2 months 11 days

Right Where I Am 2014: 3 years 3 months followed by 2 years 2 months 1 week

Right Where I Am 2013: 2 years 2 months 2 weeks followed by 1 year 2 months

Right Where I Am 2012: 1 year 2 months followed by 1 month 10 days

You can read more about my condition and my story here:

Massive Perivillous Fibrinoid Deposition

My Story

When loss keeps on happening...

Lynsey: Right Where I Am 2018: 7 years 6 months

It’s been 7 years and 6 months.

These last few months have been really difficult, facing grief again with the loss of my Granny.  But I’ve tried to take in comfort in thinking Lilly’s being looked after.

On the 21st January 2011 when we lost Lilly I felt it difficult to connect with people and it’s a very lonely feeling that you don’t really belong. Part of it I think was I put on a brave face and people couldn’t see I had changed. On the outside I looked the same but on the inside I was different.

Losing a child changes you and it takes time for you and others to accept that. You’re not the person you were before.  I believe for the better. Part of that is I feel that when you go through an experience of losing a child little things don’t matter, people who can’t accept you don’t matter and you naturally surround yourself with people who do matter and accept you for who you are.

This is a community nobody wants to be part of but I am so grateful to be part of this community not only on here but my local group Sands Lothians and world wide.

Sands was my lifeline. Finally, I could connect.

Connect with new people you share precious memories with and even grieve with them.

I am so grateful to the people I have met and still meet on this journey. So many inspirational people who are always there and understand.

You form friendships and share a special bond that will last a lifetime. It’s our loss that binds us.

I like to believe that Lilly is with us in everything we do, is in her princess castle in the palace of dreams yet to happen and that Lilly takes comfort to know that we always say her name and carry her with us always in our hearts where ever we go and everything we do. Lilly is in the centre of everything. From time to time she likes to send us little signs.She is the wind messing up my hair and the sun warming my face.

I imagine things were different

I imagine you hearing me say your name

I imagine reading you a story

I imagine you playing with your brother and sister

I imagine you playing a game

I imagine you being really cheeky

I imagine you dressing up

I still see your face

I still feel the pain

I still feel the ache in my heart

Forever that will remain

In my dreams I see you smiling

In the sky you will forever show us your sparkle

You are in everything we do

Everyday we are thankful

Thankful for you

Thankful for what you have taught us

Thankful for everything you continue to teach us everyday

You have made us better people

~~~~~

You can read Lynsey’s previous posts here:

Right Where I Am 2017: 6 years 7 months
Right Where I Am 2016: 5 years 6 months 28 days
Right Where I Am 2015: 4 years 4 months

Right Where I Am Writing Project 2018

Would anyone be interested in submitting a guest post to us on the theme of where you currently are in your loss journey?

We have been running the Right Where I Am project since 2012 and this is what gave us the initial impetus to set up the blog.

We are in the process of writing our posts for this year's project and will be publishing them over the coming weeks. As always, we would love to feature some more stories too.

Your post should be entitled 'Right Where I Am' followed by the time that has passed since your loss/es. Here is a link to our posts from previous years if that helps:

Right Where I Am

If anyone would like to contribute, please email us at lossthroughthelookingglass@gmail.com or please feel free to comment below with any questions.

Clara, Gemma & Nicole x