Julz: Letter to Melody

Melody was born at 26 weeks due to her mum Julz's severe pre-eclampsia. Julz would like to raise awareness that Pre-Eclampsia can happen before 28 weeks.

Dear Melody,

Today is the 1st August, which means it has been a whole 4 months 1 hour and 5 minutes since you fell asleep. How different things were this time last year. Me and Daddy had just decided we wanted to try to see if we could make you possible. It was a few weeks before our blessing, and a few weeks after our wedding. We thought how lovely it would be to have a post blessing baby; we never in our wildest dreams thought you would grace us with your presence, so early in every way! 25th August was the magic moment you came to our lives. I became sicker as the months went by, though I found it hard to bond with you, which I will forever hate myself for, I knew as soon as you would be born I would love you forever. And that moment came sooner than expected. I'd said over and over again I couldn't feel you move, hence the limited bonding, I was so scared for you. Until 26th February 2012 the doctors and nurses thought it would be safer if you you were delivered.

At 26+6 1346 you squeaked into the world, kicking the doctors as she pulled you out from the warmth that you were used to. They showed mummy and daddy your face and the love surged through us both. Neither of us were allowed to go with you, for me I had to be stitched, but they wanted daddy to stay with me. I felt I'd already let you down by now being able to go with you.

It wasn't for another 6 or so hours that I was able to see you, daddy had gone to see you and taken a picture. The love I felt a washed over me.

When I was finally wheeled to see you I felt absolutely scared, scared on how you would look, how you would feel and whether we would be able to keep you.

Though your tiny little face was covered with a ventilator, you really looked so, so beautiful. In fact one of my favourite photos of you is one of your earlier ones.

Within 24 hours you were off your vent onto cpap, then quickly moved to vaportherm, which you remained on. Receiving O2 through it, nothing fazing you, you were always so feisty. You knew when you needed your bottom changed, you hated everyone poking and prodding you, putting your hand up across you face, to tell us you had enough. You used to love Kangaroo care, even showed you wanted a breast, but you were still too young to be trying. Mummy and daddy cuddles were the best.

You also enjoyed having your big sister and brother to visit you. Listening out for their voices, giving them huge windy smiles, and grabbing your sister's finger. They love you very much.

You were doing so so well, we were told your brain function was fine, no signs of disability, you had a slight murmur but that also cleared, you really were our miniature hero, waiting for you to grow, waiting for the discharge day that we had been given, to take you home a week before your would have been due date, 15th May, we began making plans as a family of 5 for the half term holiday, so excited to get you home.

31st March me, daddy and your big brother came to visit you as your sister was going to a birthday party. The nurses let us have a cuddle with you, it was the first time your brother had seen you outside your incubator. You had such a beautiful colour about you. Your brother was talking to to you, could see your eyes looking out for his voice, though we knew you couldn't see him, we knew you were trying. We had a photo of the four of us, and told the nurses it would be just mummy and your sister visiting the next day, us three girls together. The nurses agreed to wait to do your cares so your sister would watch too. 1st April, daddy phoned in as he did every day, to see if you had a better night, we were told they were about to ventilate you, to give you a rest. I knew then we had to be with you, a sinking feeling within my heart. We dropped your brother and sister off to their own dad, in the hope we would collect them later and me and your sister would go down again later.

In the 10 minutes it took us to get ready and to take them to their dads, we had a phone call to say we were needed to be with you. I drove at speed to the hospital, hoping that they were going to transfer you to another hospital an hour away and that we were needed to sign forms for permission and collect your belongings.The unit doors were closed, I felt sick, your doctor greeted us to tell us that she was afraid you weren't going to survive!! Pardon? I can't repeat what I said.

I felt my legs buckling, but knew they had to carry me to you. Your bed had been moved back to the most intensive part of the unit. This in itself was bad as you had been in the bottom end of HDU. I begged them to tell us this was a horrible April fools joke, why were you fighting for your life? They had restarted your heart 5 times, we asked them to stop, to leave you alone. We wanted none of this but to have your vent taken away was the most terrifying awful thing we have ever gone through. They passed you to me but I only held you for a moment daddy took over while you were christened in no less them a minute long.

Your vent was removed. This was then I knew I had to have you, to hold and kiss you, keep you warm, beg you to stay. Wondering if you could hear mummy and daddy's pleas, our sobs saying the word we had been so scared to use for the past 5 weeks. I really hope and wish you had heard us tell you we love you.

930am you left us.

I held you for as long as I could, but then your colour began to fade rather quickly, we made the heartbreaking decision to hand you back to the nurses to bath you and get you dressed, now this guilt will stay with me forever, we should have bathed you, we should have stayed with you, I'll always wonder if you would have stayed if we had left the vent in. Should we have fought more for you?

NUMB

What now? How do we possibly leave you? Leave you to be transferred somewhere cold. The days and weeks passed too quickly, the feeling of everyone forgetting you, people telling us to get over you? How are we ever going to do that?

As we approach your 6th month birthday, we wonder, would you have been crawling? What food would you have been pinching off our plates? Having to move things higher, or the sleepless nights through teething.

We miss you so so much. Life is so cruel. You were doing so well, we had so much hope that you would be home. To discover you had an infection similar to meningitis? Wondering if it should have been caught. Fed up with people telling me it's one of those things, or natures way. I just wish desperately that you are still here.

We love you so much, we will never ever forget you. You'll always be our daughter, baby number 3.

I just wish desperately that I could turn back time. To hear the words, "we made a mistake, Melody is in fact ok but she needed a rest" Why?

My heart aches, my arms feel heavy without you. Desperately clinging on to your scent.

Melody Caitlyn we will always always love you

Forever your Mummy

xxxxx

Gemma: Writing to you...

I still like to write to you Isaac as I have done since we set you up an email account when I found out that I was pregnant; I emailed stories of my excitement and of feeling ill; I remember emailing you after you started to make me ill after I had eaten cheese and cordially informed you that cheese was off limits to the sickness and would be eaten regardless; I no longer email you with a view to one day opening the account with you and reading through all the trials and tribulations which we may have forgotten years later; I have forgotten the address now and wouldn't like to bother Daddy with it right now.


So now I write to and save the letters on my computer and sometimes I write and write and delete them once they are written in a moment of despair; I like to imagine you sitting on your great grandparents knees as they read my letters to you; I have written many letters to you over the year that I have been without you; some pleading for a greater understanding of why you left me and a sign that you are still there somewhere and not lost to me forever, others angry that you didn't fight harder to stay with me and some simply telling you that you are still loved and still very much treasured; I don't know if you can hear me little one but I love you and I miss you every day.


Today is your first birthday Isaac; you should have been one whole year old; full of sleepless nights and mischief and giggles that made us laugh along with you, the day would have started early for you and I no doubt and we would have had to coax Daddy out of his slumber with big kisses and noise; we would have gathered together in our bed that would have been covered with presents from mommy and daddy; I of course would have stuck some horse themed gifts in and daddy would have bought far far too much; gifts that weren't exactly age appropriate but that he would have had as much fun playing with as you would when you were finally old enough to use them. We would have helped you to open your presents and I can imagine you sitting having more fun with the wrapping paper than with any of the gifts that you had received. I can hear your squeals of laughter as daddy grabs you and throws you up in the air and I tut and tell him to please be careful, while unable to hide a smile to watch the two of you play.


You would have had your first birthday party today and the house would have been decorated and filled with streamers and balloons; if I stop and close my eyes I can see just how it would have been, and the atmosphere would have been that of outright joy as I, along with my family delighted in watching you grow. You would have had silly football themed gifts from Pop and your uncles, and designer outfits of your Auntie Laura.


This time a year ago you were born sleeping and the final hope that I had slipped through my fingers; the labour was quick but not at all what I had hoped. I promised you Isaac, that I would be brave and try to stay positive but the last few weeks have been hard and I have relived the loss of you over and over again and Daddy and I have talked and cried and opened up to each other in ways we have been reluctant to do until now. I finally understand that he feels guilty to and I have tried to put his mind at rest about his fears, I don't want him to feel he was to blame, who can be blamed? Me? God? Mother Nature? You? There is no one to blame, you were a star than shone so brightly you didn’t need to burn for long.


Today I am sad; I feel the absence of you so strongly that it makes me want to fall down weeping; however I also still feel you with me and I feel I can celebrate all that you were to me; because above all else I am happy that you were part of us. If the option was to have never had you at all then I will take all this sadness gladly; for it shows that you were loved.


You were made out of such love; your Daddy and I - we had our bumpy rides over the years the loss of you the worst one of all but it is a love that has never given up; a love that knew how to fight to keep it strong and when the worse happened we were able to weather that storm together; to have been made out of such a love I can see meant that you will have only known that - for you there will never have been any worries or doubt or fear; you will have grown knowing that you are loved and perhaps that is all that you ever needed.


I want you to know little man that you are always with me; not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and know I needed you to have been even for a short time. I know that my longing for you is caught up in the need to have a healthy living child here with me, and my guilt at wanting another child makes me anxious that you do not feel you are to be replaced; you will never be replaced.


Today Daddy and I woke to the delivery of a balloon and flowers for your garden; you are still much loved and not just by me. We will go and select a new outfit for Isaac bear and loose a balloon where we walked together as a family and I will light a candle to show you the way home should you wish to look in on us.
Happy birthday Isaac and Thank You for having been part of our lives xx