Steven: Father's Day

My little princess, Mia Rose Greenall, was born on 4th June 2012 via caesarean section due to a huge placental abruption. She was born terribly ill because of this and we had to say goodbye to her the following day. This short piece is about the feelings and emotions that Father's Day brings. I have my own blog where I talk about all of my experiences and feelings, please visit and share it:

www.miarosememory.blogspot.co.uk

Father's Day 2013 is my second since I lost my princess, Mia Rose. Last year, Father's Day was only 12 days after we said goodbye to Mia and the day before we laid her to rest so understandably it was not a time for celebration. I have never forgotten that I am Mia's daddy but it can sometimes be difficult when people see us with Kyran, our 3 year old and ask if we're having any more children, or if we've just got the one. The people that ask these questions don't know my situation but in the months after losing Mia, it was too easy and convenient for me to confirm that I've only got 1 child. This however, is so wrong and the guilt felt after telling someone this is unbearable. I'm now in a completely different frame of mind from those early days and can now confidently state that I have 2 children, one of which was too special for this earth. The biggest thing is now, I can say this (most of the time) without crying.

Father's Day has always been one of my favourite days of the year, certainly ranked higher than my birthday. We have never really splashed out on Father's Day, just little things like cups, glasses, key rings etc that say "To My Daddy" or "Worlds Greatest Daddy" on them is all we have ever done. The big difference this year is that these little gifts will be from both of my children, the 2 children that I am so proud of. Kyran, my 3 year old boy makes me proud on a daily basis, whether that be from his spelling and writing or from him coming out of his shy little shell on holiday and suddenly appearing on the stage in front of hundreds of people. Mia made me proud the way she fought for those 31 hours that she was with us. The doctor was surprised she made it through the night and it's that fighting spirit that she had that she has instilled in her mummy and daddy. There is no way that we could have got through this past 12 months without Mia's fighting spirit, and that is why I can now openly say that I am so proud to be Mia's Daddy.

What I like about Father's Day is the togetherness and family spirit. It's traditionally a day spent together, our own little family. The toughest thing about these special days is that our little princess isn't with us. Instead of her being here to join in, we have to go to her garden, the only place that we genuinely feel close to her, to involve her in our day. Children should visit their dads on Father's Day, shouldn't really be the other way round.

Mia may not be here with me like Kyran is, but does that mean that I'm not her daddy? Of course it doesn't, I'm every bit Mia's daddy as I am Kyran's. Mia is included in everything we do, on a daily basis. Mummy and I talk about her all the time, and Kyran is involved in that. He knows who his little sister is and he talks about her openly at will.

No one can ever take away from me that I am Mia's daddy, and I'm so glad that I can finally say to the world that I am proud of my little girl. I will always talk about Mia, she is just as much a part of me as every other part of my life. Anyone that can't handle that should probably give me a wide berth from now on. I will never forget my princess and anybody that thinks any differently is not worth having around.

I'm looking forward to Father's Day, it will be a nice day as it always is, but this and every one after this will always have that missing piece, Mia Rose.

Steven: The Mask

My little princess, Mia Rose Greenall, was born on 4th June 2012 via caesarean section due to a huge placental abruption. She was born terribly ill because of this and we had to say goodbye to her the following day. This short piece is about how I deal with day to day life since my life was shattered. I have my own blog where I talk about all of my experiences and feelings, please visit and share it:

Mia's Memory: A Dad's View

When I returned home from the hospital the day after saying goodbye to Mia, I was surprised to see something at the side of my bed. It wasn't there when I left 2 days before and I wasn't completely sure what it was for. I left it where it was for a while, still unsure if I should use it or not.

I finally decided to use it when I went back to work, this was a month after we said goodbye to Mia. I put it over my head and there it was, it was a mask that had been left by my bed. Only you can't see it when its on.

It's not easy wearing the mask, it takes a lot of effort but it protects me from the outside world, I feel safe when I've got it on. I put it on when I leave the house and keep it on until I return back home, it's not safe to take it off anywhere else. The mask is making every effort to free itself from my head, but I can't let it go. Its keeping my feelings in check, the world isn't ready to hear my feelings face to face yet, and I don't think I'm ready to share them yet.

The mask does have a weakness though. It doesn't cover my eyes. If I drop my guard for a second at all and you manage to make eye contact, you'll see. You'll see the pain, deep in my eyes. You'll be able to see how deep it goes, deep into my core, you'll see that there's something missing inside me. You'll see that there's a piece of my heart that's gone, my precious little Mia took it with her. I don't begrudge her that, she needs a piece of her daddy with her. This explains the emptiness I feel, but it also means that I'll feel the emptiness forever. The emptiness will only disappear when we meet again.

Until that day Mia, look after that piece of my heart, because I do want it back. But I know when I get it back, I get you back. So just remember this princess, your daddy loves you very much and is so proud of you so until we meet again, look down on us all and keep us all safe.