Stacey: Right Where I Am 2017: 4 years 3 months 3 weeks 1 day

Lucky.

4 years ago I went to travelling across Italy for a few weeks with my husband. Heartbroken and inconsolable, I should have been 38 weeks pregnant. Instead my baby had died.

When I think back to those days my heart aches for the person I used to be, the emptiness I felt and the inability to see any future where I could ever be happy. The day we should have been bringing our baby into the world we were in fact in Milan. We went to Church and tried to seek some comfort but none could be found.

That evening we decided to do something to try and mark our daughter’s short life on earth, we went for a meal on a tram across the city. A tiny little thing it was designed to only fit 8 people on, we were all set ready to go and see the sights, drink wine and try to distract ourselves from the terror of our own lives. Typically, though things didn’t work out quite as we planned and a heavily pregnant woman boarded at the last minute.

We spent our evening seething with rage and jealousy watching her. Both of us desperately holding back tears as she drank glass after glass of wine and even requested several stops to smoke. Oh how I hated her. Now I merely pray her and her baby are both safe and well.

Today I have two rainbows, my daughter Florence will be 3 this year and my son Albert is 18 months. Life is busy, crazy busy in fact. Some days I forget to breathe let alone reflect on how lucky I truly am. Sometimes I need to think back, to those dark days of hell just to be able to pause and appreciate what I have now.

I know there are women out there right now going through the worst thing imaginable, the death of their baby. There are men out there desperate to be able to support their partner but silently weeping at night. I know because I’ve been there.

I am so very lucky. The days aren’t always easy but we get by and I try to remember to appreciate every moment.

Yes, I am so very lucky.

~~~~~

You can read Stacey’s previous posts here:

Right Where I Am 2016: 3 years 3 months 2 weeks 2 days
Right Where I Am 2015: 2 years 4 months 3 weeks 5 days
Right Where I Am 2014: 1 year 13 weeks 6 days
Right Where I Am 2013: 15 weeks